My New Step Father

[Önemli bir not: Lütfen babanızın kıymetini bilin...]

Most of the time people are asking about my parents whether I resemble my mom or dad..Besides my foreign friends sometimes get curious when I tell I am muslim because muslim oriented women are supposed to wear hejab/scarf/eşarp to cover their hair as it is taken as sin..But it depends on person to person because Turkey isnt a strict religious country unlike Iran and we are not ruled by the religion although there are many bigots over here. Teens are corrupted, i just mean that teens bacame more and more far away from the religion itself because of the influence of western and european culture.. I can say that new generation has link between modernism and islam religion..

So here is the answer: I resemble my mom I think,because many people say so.. And I really hope that you guys like my new step father as he is too famous all over the world LOL.. I believe that he will get on well with me :D

Honestly I cant put my dad's picture as I dont have any in my mobile and he passed away 3 years ago.. I just wanna mention him as i really felt like.. Since my 11s my relationship with my dad began to be based on hatred... Dont ask why because there were many reasons which I cant tell as it is a long life story... He used to love me a lot because i was the youngest member of the family although i am 22 now and he always wanted me to have good education, succeed in anything I want.. Briefly he used to encourage me to do things whenever I feel weak enough to give up.. Although we didnt have good relations I never behaved him disrespectful.. He was the strongest authority at home and whenever I did something wrong to freak mom out all I did was to hide behind him LOL...

On the day he died I was home alone, things happened so suddenly that I was thinking it could be a joke.. Nobody let me know till midnight.. Just my eldest sister came home first to tell me the evil news and i felt so numb for a while, motionless as if something was broken in me and I burst into tears... It was the first time I lost someone close in my family..

When they heard, other family members began to came also neighbours and of course my friends too.. Tuğba,  Ayşegül,Merve, Aysun, Gözde etc ( sorry guys if i forgot your names to add as I really dont remember much because of the shock) I am really grateful that you guys were with me on our sorrowful day..

Recently some teens really hate their parents enough to wish them not to exist.. My mom used to tell me that "even if you dont like your father, his shade is enough for you"... Till he passed away I didnt get this shade term by thinking what she meant... I am such a fool right?

Shade: she meant his presence, blessing and protection... I think dad concept is an umbrella element for kids to protect them from most of the things...

Never ever think that I am doing good without him... The first time when I understood that "shade" thing was like that;
I was applying for something
X: I need your information to fill this form
Me: okay
X: Name, surname?
Me: Beyza Kargın
X: Your father's name?
Me: Ahmet
X: What is your father's job?
Me: (dang) ... well he is not alive..
X: I am sorry for your loss, may god rest him in peace

Actually I learnt how to define a person who died, such as telling he is dead, he is not alive, he passed away and so on.. And it is really hard to admit because you think that you lack of something..But you keep living with that...

With friends: they sometimes like talking about their fathers and I just dont want to mention but there is always someone
to open up the topic.
X: how did your dad pass away?
Me: well ...
Y: wait! Is her dad is not alive? I didnt know sorry
Me: it is okay, no problem...

Some nights whenever I cry because of some reasons or whenever I lose my faith and courage I feel that he is with me somehow and consoles me that I should be strong to go on my way... That is what he always wanted from me.

I am inherited some features from him:
1. My height, he was such a tall man
2. My blood disgust, lol he used to faint when he saw blood and he would go pale whenever something bad happens..
3. He taught me how to play backgammon, we used to play everyday so that I improve myself that is why I can cheat with dices by throwing the number what I need :D so I play better than most of the female backgammon players :))))

       R.I.P Ahmet Kargın

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Like I Promised

Actually i have many favourite bands but one of them is flyleaf. My dear Canadian friend Brittany likes them as well.. Last time we were talking about flyleaf and she asked me if i listened to "so i thought".. I couldnt remember for a while as i havent been listening to them for a long time. As my pc was broken down I was thinking how could i find that song and listen to but I checked my mobile whether i have it and hell yeah i have ^^ after listening to it I remembered :3 also remembered my teenhood lol..

Music is connecting people no matter how much you could deny...

In Flames < My Estonian friend Katja just introduced such a nice band... My favourite song by them is Metaphor... I am very glad that I see her online after 5 months silence.. And her obsession with John Petrucci :D I really hope someday she plays like him. 

Another story.. In 2008 i just met a girl named Jenni from Sweden (so called Sweden cuz I was terribly fooled by her hehe) she used to like *system of a down* and we exchanged almost what we have in our archives. To my surprise i got that she was a Turkish girl after 4 years..Anyway that is a long story which doesnt concern us anymore...

System of a down ♥ i think i will never forget this band as it has many stories.. Last May 4, 2012 when i was a new member on INTERPALS almost for a month, I was searching Finnish speakers as I had special interests to Northern countries and Scandinavia then I clicked on a profile randomly. I was just checking the profile and System of a down took my attention again.. And I decided to mail her.. Now Kaisa is my best friend and probably reading my blog...

So music... Music is the greatest thing we could ever have... 

Thank you guys for being with me whenever I need... :*

♥♥ (Bx2).(Kx2) ♥♥
《 Let the music play 》    |>

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Weak Week

Gosh, I cant find any reason to keep this. this= thinking about what is going to happen. I am just bored and tired at all.. I need to hold something so tight in order to survive. something= patience maybe but i really dont have patience anymore.. I cant stand as i am on my weak week mood. so i should activate number 2 plan. number 2= just leaving online world for a year.. i really have some reasons for that. reasons= making up my mind, having rest and making some changes in my life...

lets see then...

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

What would happen if ...

These days i am trying hard to make up my mind and go on my way.. but it is getting harder because there are many people around me whom I care too much.. I just ruin my life by myself so i need to help this girl to come over things in order to let her survive.. it feels too cold and sharp but sometimes a person should utter NO whenever s/he wants to refuse something so as not to be hurt. It doesnt mean that person has no feelings but it means s/he is determined and knows what they want and dont want, right? Too much affirmation also brings bad news as it might make the other people think that person is naive enough to be put in a mold to shape...

Besides it is also suffering to insist someone who says no, so let it go.. the ones would already be with you if they wanted. As we really dont need the people who dont want us because they will never be beneficial for us and instead they will bring so much pain through the life... therefore willingness is the mainstone of the theme. Sorry as i dont care punctuation anymore although i am supposed to begin with Capital letters after full stop. be thankful at least i use comma lol anyway...

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9

Taurus - May 7

(by the way this is my necklace)

Stone: Emerald
Planet: Venus
Element: Soil ( steady, feminine, receiver, protective )
The most obvious feature: Strength
The most wanted ambition: Fame
The most deadly mistake: Obsinate

Venus is the closest planet to earth and it represents love and justice. Harmony, value, charm, attractiveness, appreciation, interaction, friendship, beauty, music, fine arts are under the control of Venus.
Venus is the symbol of feminine in science and arts. Venus gives pleasure to people through sexual life and Venus is the source of inspiration of beauty and fine arts.
Venus people are generous and liked by the opposite genders and they are lovely and affectionate.

Soil element: practical, trustworthy, cautious, emitional, bodily strong.

Steady: determined, when they decide to do something they never give up. They posses whatever they want by taking advance of all the given opportunity.

Feminine: they are patient and enduring. They are creative and practical as well.

Protective: they are interactive and loyal to people whom they love. They like to help therefore they would become a good friend. Taurus people would never leave their friends alone whenever they are having hard times. But they would expect trust and security in everything. They are always warm people.
Taurus people dont get angry so easily but they are like volcanos whenever they get angry. Besides they are obsinate creatures. You could be their friend and you can advice but never ever try to command them as you can get anything from them.

Relations with some star signs:
Taurus and ....
Virgo: great match
Gemini, Cancer, Pisces: good
Leo: very dictator
Libra, Sagittarius: so so
Scorpio: very cunning

OMG !!! The best part <3
Taurus celebrities:
@Salvadore Dali
@Cher
@Karl Marks
@Sigmund Freud ( lol )
@Asil Nadir
@Nükhet Duru ( turkish singer )
@Süleyman the magnificent ( sultan of the ottoman empire when the empire reached its largest borders )
@Ayhan Işık
@Erol Büyükburç ( singer and actor)
@Öztürk Serengil ( comedian and actor)
@Queen Elizabeth II ( wow )
@Lenin
@Barbra Streisand
@Evita Feron
@Honore de Balzac
@Johannes Brahms
@Gary Cooper
@Henry Fonda
@Jehudi Menu hin ( who the hell he is? )
@Bertrand Russell
@William SHAKESPEARE ^^ <3
@Stevie Wonder
@Adolf Hitler ( O_O )
@Saddam Hussein ( no wonder, as sometimes I wanna be killer but killing bad people )

Social Enough?

Goodnight.. I think I wouldnt be able to live if I couldnt download those applications from app store and of course they dont fulfil the function of computer but it is okay as my pc is broken down. By the way I decided to buy an ultrabook on tuesday.. And I am still in between Samsung Galaxy S3 and iphone5. Maybe I should wait a bit to see which one to decide.. Anyway I am gonna bed now maybe I would see in my dream :D night night

Why Does It Have To Be So Hard?

Feel me in your heart
It's another way to apart
From the cruel love
Just a sweet move
I know it's so hard
Leaving everything behind

But if you intend to stay
Then keep your tears away
Put your soul in a cage
Never expect for change
As there's no other option
To flee away for salvation

Or free your heart from pain
Don't return to him again
Forget the sweet memories
Burn all the written stories
It will be hellish tough
But you will be strong enough.

So I'm Back, Maybe

Ohh my god, it has been ages that i couldnt access my blog. I still dont have a laptop but soon I will have whenever i decide. From here all i can do is to give damn to my HP as it left me half on the way... I miss many things and it is really hard to write on my blog with an iphone though.. But for sure i will come back like a storm and tremble you guys but i need to leave now. Things should settle down first.. Kisses <3

Ran-dO_om

Today I don't know but I just recalled that I have been keeping a diary for a long time... I decided to take it from its place where I put it a year ago.. It was time to blow the dust away and open up the cover somehow to face the reality.. I noticed that the things are not as same as before.. Great deal of change on me, change on him, change on people around me.. I think I reached for the maturity although it was the saddest experience. But I learnt that nothing can hurt me anymore and life is going on. Everything is temporary, so is the pain itself..

I feel like I cannot think about anything anymore, don't know!! Probably I feel so confused again. I cannot describe how I feel but whatever happens I love the way I am.

Shooting Star

         Running tears just dry, I know it because I can't cry anymore. It wouldn't be cruelty.My not shedding tears wouldn't mean everything is alright and I never cry. I just cry inside. I wish you could see how deep ocean I carry inside of me made of my precious tears. Just for the worthless people ever in my life. It wouldn't mean I'm so dumb. I just loved the way of following my heart which requires courage and strength. I knocked at the wrong doors which were open but while I was stepping in they closed and I left my some pieces inside. The wind sometimes flew me over like a leaf here to there but I still didn't hit the ground, and I am here standing still beside you. Your eyes don't see, your heart doesn't feel me but I'm here to be hurt over again and again. So instead of leaving you sorrowful with my hopless heart matter, I'd love to be a shooting star then..While giving beloved you the reason and chance to make a wish of your life, I'd fall over the sky and die !!

P.S. I love pun (playing on words) and I had really strange feelings something like I'm confused, I hate, I love, I mourn, I am sad and I am glad.. Combination of emotional outburst and stream of consciousness technique just created this one.. Therefore, I wrote it for 5 important people in my life.. Rich in metaphors, symbolism, synecdoche, pun, allusion (for myself) and so on...

                                                                                                                   GOOD  NIGHT

Life Without PC

       Sweet blog, I'm feeling terribly sorry that I've neglected you such a long time as my PC is broken down and I didn't bring my ipad over here.. I feel so fool !

       We have been getting on well for about 3 years and I don't really know what is wrong with you. I remember the first day we met. You were shining with your black cover and when I first saw you I couldn't take my eyes off you and just said 'I should have you'. Now you are standing by my side and keeping my almost everthing inside. I am really mourning as I couldn't recognize how much you mean to me early before you're broken down.. Somehow you should come back to me as I feel naked :DDDD

Today's Poem

While I am trying to find you, I am tired of losing myself.
It will be a bit weird but wherever I go, you're just with me.
Should I hold on the sweetest memories and walk away?
Say yes, but I just don't know where to go from here.

Tell me, what am I? Small pieces of a thorn paper?
Last baccy of your cigar or a reckless passer-by?
While being together how could we have come this far?
Now, are we the strangers sitting on a bank side by side?

We were like moon and sun, you would give me light
And shine to blind my eyes, I'd not dare to look at you.
You would run everyday and behind I would chase you.
If I could touch you, I would burn that is what I know.

But it'd worth to touch for once, even the cost is too much.
It's the love's most beautiful side and the sweetest sacrifice,
Whatever happens it is time not to give up right now because
I am the phoenix, I'll reborn from my ashes to be with you.
                                                                         *Your Phoenix*

           One of my friend asked me to share my poems on my blog too. Thank you for the nice idea!!

Never Faking

    Today was like yayyyy, the first time I spent almost 2 hours in bathroom..Yeah very peaceful.. But I hate that I am curly again and have to straighten my hair which takes time..These days I leave it curly and nobody used to see me curly because I dont like it.. I think there are only 2 people in the world who are yelling about their hair..One of them is Justin Timberlake and the other is of course me !! :D Many years ago I just read that he cannot shape his hair :D and yeah it is hard for me too mostly... I try to find few ways which would make me seem older than this one as three of my friends said that I look 16 years old in the picture ( I shared below) so should I smile or cry for that.. I took that picture approximately 13 days ago and I will keep my age as a secret (no matter it is not a secret though)  :DDDD

      In the afternoon my neighbour visited me which was surprising, as we haven't seen each other such a long time..She was my childhood friend though..We played guitar and talked about guys.. Guys are always the topic to talk about, especially how careless/mean/offensive they could be most of the time.. 

       By the way tomorrow is a big day.. KPSS exam. Millions of university graduates take the exam so as to be appointed as a teacher...I don't really want to talk about Turkey's education/exam system as it is a bit of shit.. So, what am I thinking about? Nothing at all.. I will just go and sleep and then wake up early in the morning to slap this exam!!! We will see...

                                                                                                                                               xXoOoXx

Deliver Us From Sorrow's Hold

WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS ...

    It always goes bitchy like that.. First begins like the sweetest dream to live with and then it turns out to be the most  sorrowful burden to make your soul to weep. One of my Canadian friend just said this someday: ''The ones we love hurt us the most''. I was just confused by thinking how could this ever happen? How can a person leave us so much in pain if we love enough to blink at little bit of mistakes ?? But you never recognize till you hit a wall and wake up from the pretty dreams.. Little mistakes? They are now huge as a mountain that you cannot move with them anymore. In the end you even don't understand how you have come this far.. Just feeling in dilemma '' is it either way to go or stay and struggle? ''. Picking up the choice of 'staying' with a little bit hope of something may change for the sake of love, because when we love we are blinded enough to have great expectations and we never want to fall down.. Extreme love gives it place to habitude. As if you have to take this nicotine to numb your soul, as if you cannot do without and the burst of some kind of feelings..
*feeling so lost*miss of the past*crying much*long for that person*waiting for so long*feeling so hopeless* and so on.. Yeah I felt them all somehow. I believe many of us experienced the same.. But life is going on.. We have to learn not to stay somewhere where we are not glad/pleased. Just for once '' be strong '' 


'' Tanrım, bana değiştiremeyeceğim şeyleri kabul etme gücü, değiştirebileceğim şeyler değiştirme cesareti ve bu ikisi arasındaki farkı anlayabilme sağduyusu ver...''

Goes Down The Sun, Rises Again !!

      

 '' Spent one more day from the rest of my life.. I am glad that I fill every inch of my mind and every second of my time with you piece by piece. I am even slowing down the breath I take in so that I catch up with the time that is flowing when you are with me. Just let it be as it is out of control and my heart is kneeling before you to serve the best of everything. We can never know what life brings and of course I know how cruel life is while taking the ones we love but it always gives another ones to start up from the beginning... Life is trying us to see how patient and strong we could be.. The ones who give up easily are never awarded..''
                                                                                       

                                                                                               A Little Bit Of Inspiration

I Said Goodbye This Time, I Want No More

SO SING WITH ME   

I was so high and I was fool not to recognize 

The lies hiding in his eyes

His features that controlled my mind

I kissed last time, wont come again as I got on the bus 

I never wished to return again

But I saw him crying behind

This love has taught me many things so far

He said goodbye too many times before 

And his heart was full of garbage of his own

I made my mind, there was no chance for him, anymore

I tried my best to please his appetite

Sacrificed my each night 

To make him pleased by my side 

He kept playing my love as if a ball

I said, I should do the same

But in the end I was the fool again

Now I never wanna fix the things he broke

I' ll go on my way

Convince him that I am never the same

My presence is on his mind, I know

But no chance, no more

As I don't want him anymore

Cause I said goodbye last time my own,for sure

Tips Of the Day

( 1 ) Don't cry to me, if you love me you will be with me

( 2 ) Get out of my sight if you are telling me pack of lies

( 3 ) My each smile doesn't mean that I like the way you act all the time

( 4 ) Don't wase my time with the stuff I don't care about

( 5 ) Utter me sweet and kind words so as to get the same in return and it is the best way to convince me to do something you may wish

( 6 ) If I am gone ... I never come (so don't hurt me)

( 7 ) Don't be enemy with me for your own sake as I have cruel and wild wolf inside

( 8 ) I never let you go unless you want me so

( 9 ) The heaven is where you are

( 10 ) Hug me in silence when I lose my temper, I swear I smile, whenever you do it I will always smile

Remember When It Rained !!

             Rain, rain and rain...

       I am the girl of gloomy weather. Who knows, maybe because I was born on a rainy day of beautiful spring ?? So let the rain over me !!!

                       Rain is one of my inspiration
                   Rain washes away every dirty things
                         Rain is good to walk under

                           Rain drops are so cute 

                   We owe the fresh soil scent to rain

                             Rain is falling in love
                              Rain is art of God
                    Rain is the purest tears of nature  

Rain is the most beautiful weather event that we could ever have !!!

                

      There is a story about rain which I heard when I was a child.. I had to be told because I used to get scared of rain storms.. I am really bad at telling a story but  let me try :)))

''Once upon a time there are 3 clouds in the shape of prince, villain and a princess.. Prince and princess are inlove with each other such a long and of course villain cloud is inlove with the princess but he knows that princess loves the prince.. While prince and princess are together over the sky, villain challenges the prince, so the sound of thunder we hear is the hit of their armor and shield..

And the lightening we see is the halo of the gorgeous prince..Villain thinks that he cannot beat the prince down on his own so he plays trick on prince by asking for help from the other bad hearted clouds. After all dark clouds surround the prince and the villain cloud stabs the prince by his heart..The prince dies in the arms of princess cloud. The falling rain drops from the sky are the tears of the princess who is shedding them by the side of her lover's lifeless body..''

                

                 

That is exactly the way I love to do !!! <3 

The moment when all the words are spent... THE END

                        (My blog is the only place to reach the closure of the story with a happy ending)

So guys!! Wish you have a rainy day with full of love ;)

Why Do I Love Playing Taboo??

            I don't actually know why, but I love playing 'taboo' as a board game.. There is always something to burst into laughter.. It is funnier if your partner is someone whom you know very well such as your close friend... Time is always running out but there are monents that you expect the rival team to fail but in a sudden moment like this they succeed..Here are some samples...

      

 

The word: Erdem (Virtue)

Almost all the related words are taboo and it is really hard to explain abstract things, and time is about to run out

A: the name of xxx's bf ??

B: Erdeemmmm (virtue) 

The word: Contact Lens

Ahahaha I think it was the best memory I could ever have.. One of my friend who was also playing with us was just wearing contact lenses at that time..

A: What does xxx take off every night before sleeping??

B: What, I don't know?

XXX: (thinks that it might be her bra) I don't take it off

B: Her clothes??
XXX: I swear I don't take it off at nights before sleeping..
A: Geezzz I hand in !!! (to xxx) Don't you take off your lenses before you go sleeping ha??

The word: Parachute

This time one of my friend has to draw it as we were playing big taboo..

Basic: Mountain??

He: Nope

Basic: Does it have strings too??

He: Yes, but hurry up time is running out !!!!

Basic: (aside: is it a bra or g-string sth??)

          And here is my dude... XD The most ridiculous thing :D as during play we throw it at each other.. ''poor plush''

The word: Push-up
It was time of plush...My friend was making it push-up in the air..
A: Dancing??
B: Praying??
this time my friend lay it down on the table and keep it pushing up 
A: Knocking the table??
B: Omfg, What the hell this pervert plush doing??? :DDDDDD

The word: Haircut
It was my turn with the plush..I sat the plush legs crossed before me and acting like I cut its hair :D
A: Hairstyling??
B: Shaving??
Basic: almost close B
C: Where is the shampoo?? Are you bathing little purple thing??
Basic: hurry up guys, no time for kidding??
A: Look at those legs, swagger !!!

My partners couldn't guess the simple thing..I wanted to die as If I knew that they are going to focus on legs instead of the head, I would never sit it legs crossed :DDDDDD



If English Language and Literature 

department students played 
              ''Taboo''          ------------>
Of course there are many options !!!


1. Geofrey Chauser: Mainstone of the English Literature
    Victoria Woolf: Shakespeare

2. Jane Austen: The writer of the longest sonnets
    Thomas Wyatt: of course Shakespeare

3. Thomas Hardy: Venus and Adonis, Othello
    Sylvia Plath: Shakespeare

etc etc.. And how ridiculous that they forgot to add ''Romeo and Juliet'' but anyway !!!
 

20 Crazy Things To Do Before Dying

1. Bungee Jumping
2. Travelling all over the world
3. Singing with Amy Lee
4. Walking on the streets naked
5. Crashing a car
6. Swimming in bathtube filled with blood
7. Composing the best love song ever
8. Kicking a guy from unmentioned place
9. Performing one of the Shakespeare's plays
10. Drug (sssshhh)
11. Learning sirtaki dance to break all the plates
12. Jumping out of 5th floor
13. Writing a harsh satire for the person whom I hate
14. Throwing my Pc out of window
15. Wearing like a Lolita
16. Shaving my hair
17. Spending three days on a wheelchair
18. Watching a building to collapse
19. Hacking a person
20. Breaking someone's nose

Far From The Madding Crowd

     

       These days I have been thinking so much about the question 'why people are prejudiced?'. Is it because nobody is similiar with them?? The world is going nut obviously and I feel drowned in narrow-minded, prejudiced and double faced people..But I think I have found the Formula of Peace= Avoid of 3Ps+2Rs and people who always want to talk about them...
                             

                                                                          

                Politics,                                              

                Patriarchal system,

                   Prejudice,

                       Religion,

                            Racism.

ANALYZE
Even the colors symbolize the situation perfectly.. 

• Red for politics; because people shed blood for the sake of their political ideas..
• Blue for patriarchal system; because phallic images are always identified with blue but not with red color nor pink.. ( I find it somehow ridiculous )
• Pink goes to prejudice; as why would be a normal man called as 'homo' if he wore a pink shirt?? That is the prejudice. Have you ever asked why he is wearing pink shirt before categorizing him in the frame of homo ?? Hell yeah, didn't I mention above that  the world is going nut before?? 
• Religion with green; either you have one or not, it is something holy.. People are in need of believing in something even if it is Cow, Evolution of the Species, Idolatry etc etc .. As being humankind, we have tendency to feel secure in peace..
• Black and white go tooooo Racism; the world does not only consist of black and white skin colored people actually... Heard of ''The Yellow Race'' and ''Sinophobia'' ???
  
  All I want is to have peace of mind !!!!

What Do You Think You Know All About Me??

1. COURAGE

       Sometimes having the thing 'courage' costs you too much which may result in terrible events, it is fun though.I do not complain, of course it is not the end of world but whatever goes wrong with me mostly is just because of my being extremely courageous..

       Please do NOT utter anyone around you the sentence '' YOU CANNOT DO THIS !! '' as it is one of the chief leading factor to trigger the most coward person.. Keep the kids out and do NOT let them read the following part... 

        

       For instance; once I was 3..We were having BBQ and I set my hand on fire and burnt it after hearing the sentence I mentioned above !!!

       Besides I jumped out of my dorm room window (1st floor) when I was around my 17s because of  so-called courage after all my roommate said ''it is not possible to jump''... hehehe

We just listened to our hearts with my bro in law...

Heading for the craziest thing ! Exciting and Excited !!!!

 

     Helllllll !!! it was too extreme that we were like MOMMMMM !!!!

   Briefly I am so glad that I am courageous although I am in toruble with it from time to time !!!

2. BLOOD

         Yeah, as you may guess that I have blood disgust.. I am not sure if I should call it blood phobia? But I am not scared, I just pass out when I see blood which causes the people all around me laugh out...Because I am tall and very strong,at the first sight people think I am enduring... But here is a kind of achilles heel.

         How I feel when I see blood?? First, some thoughts flow in my mind and I begin to visualise cutting my wrists.. It makes me feel dizzy, and then I sweat.. My face goes pale so my lips go reddish and then I remember anything (probably passed out). Here is a novel named 'The Surgeon' by Tess Gerritsen.. I couldn't read the book as I passed out when I was 19th page :DDDD so pity and I still keep this book on my shelf...

         Not over yet...Besides I hate hospitals and hygienic smell of them as well..So I really don't know what is going to happen when I might need to have surgery someday...I am just f*cked up.. Anyway !!!

3. FRIENDSHIP

        My frienship concept is a bit different.. Everybody nice could be my friend, but not everybody could be closer to me because I don't open up my heart's doors that easy.. 

     

   As being a Taurus girl (taurus is protective) , my friendship is very strong.. I am a type of person who protects her friends even if it may make me fall from their grace or unwanted..I am an extremely caring person which makes me feel let down from time to time...

         

          Friends easy go and come, therefore I am not worried about it that much, because some people should really go so as to open me some vacancy to fill with the new ones, in real life especially the people who hurt us need to go because a person who hurts the other one can never be that person's friend, but enemy... So please don't try so hard to say them GOOBYE.. Don't hesitate, make up your mind and just let them go...

          

         When it comes to me, I call the person ''near whom I act the way as I am, whom I can trust everlasting, with whom I can share my (secrets, happiness, grief) everything, '' as my best friend. So I only have one best friend. She is my soul because she knows/understands the real person laying in the depth of my core. As I feel her somehow, I am lighter than the clouds over the sky... I cry with her and laugh.. Because she is closer me than my heart !!!

                                       Special thanks to ''Cash''

I Like The Reason Why I Should Be So Confused..

Well, there are billions of different people in the world who can ever ask you the questions which you never expect whole through your life..Today I felt like writing about the most weirdo questions I have ever been asked which made my face exactly like that    (O_O)   (-_-)   (O_o)  LOL  >_<  XD

Which One Is Your Favourite, You Decide

1. Once, I sent one of my friend eurovision song of Bulgaria and she turned the volume up and began to listen to it.Actually it was a weird song.. At that time her roommate was taking a shower, she suddenly went out of shower with bathrobe on her and asked what the hell is she doing, she answered that she is listening to a music from Bulgaria.. and she asked ''Who is Bulgaria??'' LOL, I answered her that Bulgaria is a cool and handsome man then we burst into laughter....

2. When I was in highschool, one of my classmate looked into my eyes and asked ''Beyza, how do you think I can make you inlove with me??'' well it was a girl so ı couldn't answer it all...

3. Last night I asked my elder sister to ask me a question at all and the first thing came to her mind that Who kissed your mother?? '' what the hell??? lol Isn't she her mother as well ?? :D

4. I was going course with one of my friend when I was around 17,so the manager of the course was someone religious, we were lifting up with elevator and there was a weird ♪ sign on one of the bottoms. So my friend asked ''If I push the button then would it play a hymn/psalm?? '' which made me laugh out till I reached the class..

5. I was 8 and playing in the yard and my friend asked ''Beyza, did you go WC before tomorrow happens??'' I still cannot give it a certain meaning but I think she meant that she waited me outside so much.. hahahaha

6. Actually I have urinary tract infection... So I used to see a doctor so often when I was around my 16s.. once the doctor asked ''If I have ever had an affair with a guy??'' it was not a weird question but he asked about it near my mom :DDDDDDDDDD

7. Again I was in doctor's place :D and before me there was a patient..I heard some voices like 'yeah baby, yeah yeah yeah :D' from ultrasound room!! so I thought for a while that the doctor is raping someone over there etc :D and it was my ultrasound turn ... I hesitated to come in but I felt relieved when I noticed the paitent was a little baby at all :D I lay on the sickbed and he asked 'are you gonna unzip your jean?'..that is not the weird question but after all he pressed the ultrasound device on my belly so hard that caused a lot of pain... and then he smiled and asked ''Can you speak English so count back from 10, Does it hurt?''.. Actually I couldnt relate two questions but I answered in English ''yeah fuck you, you hurt''


8. A girl from facebook ''Can I add you?? As my brother liked your look so much''.. I answered like that: ''then why don't you brother add me himself??'' :D NO answer back :DDDDDD

9. In optician's, I was holding my broken spectacles by telling one of the staff that it is broken and I doubt that someone stepped on it.. he asked ''Is it really broken??'' ( I actually wanted to answer him ' nah it is not broken, I am just here to drink a cup of tea ) ehehehehe..When I came back home, mom was like that '' Are you back??'' Nah mom I am not back, this is just a ghost !!!

10. My niece when she was around 9 ( at that time I was 13) just asked ''Auntie, what would happen if you were born later than me, so were you gonna call me auntie this time then??'' I couldn't exactly answer because I was a kid myself too... but I asked mom for the answer... ahahah you can never guess how did she answer but I am not gonna mention it....

                                                                                            TO BE CONTINUED  :))))

If I Could Change Your Mind

            Every single day I open my eyes with the first light of the sun.. I am glad and grateful that I breathe, you breathe and the rest... Peace surrounds my soul and bliss embraces my heart...But from time to time I feel so down, I am unable to help, sorry..I try to cheer myself up.. It is not jealousy, it is the fear of not being able to change your mind !! You seem so unreachable, untouchable.. Is it because I don't have capability to hold or you are such priceless ?? I really don't know.. But probably the second option because in history, who has ever seen a slave holding a gold ?? You are more than gold...More than goddess in myths, More than the beautiful sculpture of Pygmalion.. Therefore I am anxious because I wouldn't want to share, but you know I am still glad, glad as you are okay probably with someone anyway...

A Moment To Always Remember

Well of course like other people I have had some moments I could never forget, I am so grateful to be with me somehow guys to share !!! Here some of them are,

Ayşe's Birthday.. who is Ayşe?? The one with green.. It was a perfect birthday party that we had much fun with the most crazy person ever (the one sitting by my side with light blue jean) :D 

 Here we go.. how pure we were while giving a pose but how about Cenno?? She could spoil it in a second .. but where the hell she was looking at???

The surprise visit of my sisters when I was in university.. I took this picture early before we burst into laughter... But still some clues of the explosion that is on their faces :D

My 20th birthday !!! Thank you ''Tuğba'' for being with me on that day, that is how strong the friendship is.. We had to come over many thing after all.. But strong friendship never ever fails, that is what I have had experienced !!!

 Who wants to have some cake?? 2 candles :D cuz I became 20, so I think I can interpret it like that.. as zero means nothing itself so 20 is symbolized with 2 candles and nonexistent candle :D
by the way I look so lame here :D

Still don't know why I have that kind of picture.. but my sister and mom were crazy cuz oy my hair style.. Mom was like that ' either straighten them all or do it all curly as u look like hippie all around ' ahahahaha... MOM MOM MOM.. Well you can never know how it looks unless you see your own after few years....You were right somehow but I don't feel regret :D It was still cool somehow...

The main exit of the dormitory area.... Non-stop rain just screwed all of us outside but we are still living :D well I miss you guys.. :(((((((

Another rainy day and I am out again... But I wonder why people say that I look like moon-walk dancing in this picture??? Me, myself and Moon-walk under the rain?? :D But thanks God as my nose doesn't fall !!

 Do you believe that it was one of the poetry class that I took?? with my classmates.. We just convinced the lecturer as the weather was great in spring time.. We are supposed to seek for the poetry in nature, are not we?? :D

I don't really know whom I was texting with at that time but it was Buket's birthday..I think someone wanted to send it mom to threaten me by saying '' your daughter will die and be buried with her mobile'' ... But don't worry guys, it is under my control :DDDDDDDD

Betül and I, traditional '' Erzurum Evleri (Houses) '' dresses... And the date is great 10.10.2010 but I wish the time was 19:19 too...Betül was my best friend within first 3 years of University and then something went wrong between us that I still don't know what it exactly is and our frienship failed somehow.. But that doesn't mean I will never remember her !!!

My diary.. The first time, Justina,my Lithuanian friend since 2006 wrote me an acrostic poem.. actually it is the first poem I was written..I was so glad cuz nobody ever wrote me a poem even though I wrote many people poems !!! 

There was still 1 year left for my graduation but it feels cool when you take the gown of your roommate's graduation gown and act like you are the one who is going to graduate..Well my graduation gown was dark red lined... I don't like green but isn't it still good???

 Here are the girls and shopping in winter time... It is like ''top boot'' commercial... But hell yeah we are the best models ever !!!

Football on ice !! year 2007 and I am the number 1 ( of course the goal keeper) I have to admit that I enjoyed a lot, everything was in a sudden that we were playing football in school's garden and my english teacher ( technical director ) asked me to stay on goal area... He noticed the talent that I have quick reflex as I can grab everything while falling or moving.. So the story of woman football team began like that.. Many teams are founded after all but We were the winners all the time, Although I played for about 2 years, I visited 2 different cities and had more than 8 matches..Penalty was the worst thing I come across... Briefly we had great time !!! 

Another picture when we were training !!! LOL the one who s holding the ball on the left is Tuğba ... Years have changed us in a great deal !!!!

Here in the class...spring time with my friend Betül !!! Whether friends or not currently, there is always a moment to remember, for sure !!!

Either Fuck Off Or Love Eternal !!

When we first begin to write a love letter we never know what to write at all and when we end the love letter we never realise what we have written...

It begins like that all the time: ( early before they turn out to be lovers ) 

* The guy asks for going out

* The guy makes the decision if he likes the girl

* The guy tells the girl that he loves her

* The guy buys her flowers or gifts to convince
* The guy promises her that nothing will separate them

And then ! ( few days after dating )

* The guy repeats he loves the girl

* The guy says the girl everything will be wonderful

* The guy makes girl to have pretty dreams based on marriage

* The guy convinces the girl that he is the right man her dreams are made of

Andd thenn !! ( few months/years later 'depends on the relationship's life span )

* The guy begins to yell at girl because of jealousy

* The guy gets mad at little things

* The guy forgets the special days like anniversaries, birthdays, first meeting dates etc

* The guy makes up excuses to put the blame on girl

* The guy feels that he is drowned in everything she does

Anddd thennn !!! ( time to break up )

* The guy sheds crocodile tears when the girl really cries out

* The guy says the girl he will always love her

* The guy disappears in a sudden 

WHERE THE HELL THE GUY WHO IS WRITTEN IN BOLD IS ?????

Here he is... He is just dick-minded ass... Majority of the guys lack of mind, intelligence, emotion and love etc etc.. Who can ever tell the opposite then?? Isnt it totally right???