When You Call My Name

Haaaaiiiiiii

I am just speechless right now

Because I recognized/I was recognized again that simple little things make me the happiest person in the world.

Yeah I hate this life mostly somehow

But if I didnt exist
then how would I taste some

 colours and beauties of this life?
Yeah I would be a ghost.
Such a sad ghost then
spinning around so that people feel me
just for once.
But hell, I had the greatest day ever
People around me were out of expectation.
I dont know if you know how to make a good turkish coffee or do you know the difference between turkish coffee and coffee?
Turkish coffee has layer that consists of bubbles like latte..
So my neighbour was here and I really hate
the tradition that I make coffee whenever she comes -_-
Otherwise mom freaks out
hahaha..

By the way it was my first trial to sing in Croatian. It turned out to be so hard when i had to face with "srca" word..
"Pismo moja" was a good song maybe but well hard to sing as well.. Especially for me because of some consonants.


vocaroo.com/i/s18MooTX8gCk

And Cashew
OMG
Thank you for "Kauas Pois"
instead of singing but talking all around
LOL kidding, I am very glad that you
made that speech :)
With "Snuff" and "Choose to be me"
you are wondersome my dear
I love your voice
♥♥♥
Niteee Niteee
:*

Damn Cold Night

Last night I just had nervous breakdown.

I stuck on my table and lay there for hours 

because I had no power to move myself

I was not functional briefly. Besides

I dropped a bottle of water on me.

From my neck to tummy 

I soaked up and got frozen.

I needed to change my clothes but 

omg I was really numb that

I could hardly reach to the bed

then I fell asleep like that wet.

When I woke up I felt like I am listening to

Soilwork - Distance 

hehehe

You will never face conclusions

You will get what you want

Am I really an exception?

Imaginary Body

How can I pretend that I don't see
What you hide so carelessly? 
I saw her bleed
You heard me breathe
And I froze inside myself
And turned away
I must be dreaming

We all live
We all die
That does not begin to justify you

It's not what it seems
Not what you think
No I must be dreaming
It's only in my mind
Not in real life
No I must be dreaming

Help you know I've got to tell someone
Tell them what I know you've done
I fear you but spoken fears can come true.

It was such a weird day that I told myself 'I must be dreaming' at all. It started good. Pretty good and then turned into garbage at all. So just a question:

If you woke and you were told whatever you had as memory is series of lies then what would you do?

Probably you wouldnt wait for tomorrow to come.
I dont wanna fall to pieces ever again. I just wanna know everything. Everything.

Probably, people sometimes sense the stormy  things before they happen or I dont know.

Some sweet things might turn out to be bitter nightmares. Perhaps it is for measuring how strong could a palm tree stand still against the invincible storms.

Well, maybe I am just tired at all. By the way I receieved an email from my Estonian friend whom I havent seen more than 5 months. She sent me her pictures and I was like that: wow she grew up a lot..I am really glad.

And of course I didnt forget to mention my evening.. 

Firstly I hope that I didnt ruin your happy evening time. I was feeling horrible you know.. But our closure was wondersome. Girl, you are insane :D Thank you Cashew ♥

Yeah that is why I love and adore our friendship. Because it consists of everything we could share without hesitation. It could never been that easy to reach for the peak by falling down. But everything has some sort of "Rise and Fall". 

It will be a bit metaphoric but;

Eventually, you and I - "we" could make the most delicious chocolate cake even though we were lack of some important ingredient e.g chocolate.

Darling, with this creativity and insanity, we dont need to purchase chocolate from the market for our chocolate cake :DDD Hell wait, chocolate is my recipe. Now it is your turn marvellous and magnificent chef, you can bake it with your warmth.. ♥

Bon Appetit !!!

Tattoosome

In islam it is forbidden to have tattoo. 

So I can only watch them all around instead of having one for myself but well it is also troublesome to remove it if you dont like or you dont want it anymore.

Well anyway,

 I just share some good ones for my taste.

Of course I wouldnt have large one

but small one so that I can hide

if i dont want it to be seen

by the people.

The head of Medusa always takes my attention

This one is very creative

And this one is very professional

This one is also awesome

Achilles Heel

Sometimes I just want to be all alone.

Today was one of those days

Because I am just mad.

Yeah I had rest enough and my soul is getting older by losing the hildish cheer at all.

Whole day I got bored and bored

But it wasnt a kind of simple boredom.

I just suffered because of nothing.

It is not nothing but it is something that I couldnt explore what was it.

Sadness covered my sky and it rained heavily to soak me up. As being a rain lover I began to hate that rain too.

I am just loosing my way.

Silence take over my kingdom and rule.

Endless arrows are hitting me and 

obviously I am shot by my heel.

I am very weak now because

I faint to pass away.

In The Arms Of Heretic

I was supposed to add this picture many many days ago but I was really lazy.

So here you gooooooooo.. 

I just had fun after taking shower.

My hair is not straight as it seems unles I straighten it. I really hate being curly but it is cool sometimes. What would happen if i had such type of hair that is never curled up? O_O

Yeah thanx god.

At least I can shape it somehow even if it takes my hours to do something good.

I know I am so wicked hahah.

All I need is more wickedness I guess.

See you.

You Say You Dream Of My Face But You Dont Like Me

"I would cry when you are sleeping

I always hid in my own feeling.

Forgive me for my being

Because

I hated you from the beginning."

Well these lines poured out of my lips.

I dont know I havent written any single  poem for a long time either.

So goodmorning fellas.

I had a sweet dream but naaa

I wont tell about but it.

I have no proper word to describe today.

It was such a weird day at all

To check my feelings indeed if I still have them or not. I was not me for sure.

So I just let it go, i spent the day outburst of laughter. My God, hope I am not going

insane hahaha.

I went for a walk a bit..

Weather was freezing

Yeah snow

SNOW.

Snowflakes on my forehead

Well I began my day with Justin

I know it is very old but dont know it made my day. Because it reminds me of my 17s.

Intro sounds like a Turkish song.

I mean the musical instrument

sounded me like Blacksea

region one.

Anyway my nephew made me sick the rest of the day.. Oh why this little guy is that shit head. He is only 7 but he is professional enough to get on my nerves. He makes noise, jumps on my bed..He is ultra hyper
 LITTLE STUPID BASTARD.

That is mom and my nephew.

I took yesterday and mom will be spending her monday at dentist for her tooth.
Hahahah little bastard also pulled out his first baby tooth xD
It is surprising that both of them have the same teeth missing ahahaha

That is it. 

It Just Feels So Right

Look, If you had

One shot

Or

One opportunity

To seize everything 

you ever wanted in one moment

Would you capture it 

Or

Just let it slip?

So I just captured. It is how I would wake my friends up in a sweet way :DDD

I hope that I didnt turn your sweet morning into some kind of scary nightmare.

Wejjjkkk Apppp..

vocaroo.com/i/s0KFtVHsO8xr

You And Me Bubbling

Tell me it is not a nightmare again..

Ohh my nose began to bleed early in the morning. It's a new kind of sign because my nose never bled for years maybe 12 years in my life :D ohh it is made of steel [this just reminds me of Cashew's video - I NEVER GET SICK, NEVERRRRR NEVEERRR, IT IS NOT NORMAL] hahah. And I was at my cousin's  until the afternoon we had breakfast. Oh that girl makes me crazy. Anyway I am glad that I came back to home.. 

By the way 

I had my record singing in Finnish. I guess I really fucked the song by myself :DDD because some parts are really hard for me.

vocaroo.com/i/s1TduKTMczKz

Never mind ;) 

Cashew also shared the video of her "survival in bare cold Finland while going school" ... I never get sick, neverrr nevverrr *coughs* :DDD ohh you are killing me here. 

Well I just spent rest of my day at home by trying to find my bookmarkers.. Fuckkk yeah I am already late. Then shower shower shower .. I cant even find peace in shower. I cut my ankle and it made me feel like passing out. I am sick of this blood phobia at all.. I also had voice chat with Theo.. She was sad, we share the same problem somehow. GIRL it will be fine at all.. 

Ohhhh insomnia but I need to sleep now.

Goodnight.

Login Failed

Last night I was very depressed and I had nobody else to talk. Actually I have but I dont want anyone to involve in my problem because it makes them upset as well. I dont want to disturb people around me nor depress them as they never understand the things. Well so early in the morning I visited my cousin and left her my stuff.
Mobile as well so that she can handle and I just wanted to be alone and meditate. Because I really need it. I need to think over the situation I am currently in.
I spent the day outside for 7 hours and of course she got worried and argued with my friends by urging them if they know something where could I be.

I saw what they texted. I never knew my cousin's opinions about me.That I am a slut.
Just my opinions are far different than my family and nobody understands it..
I cannot tell about rest of the day.
Because it is some more shit.
I just hate my culture and tradition.
Maybe I dont hate anything
but it is people around me who
 to make me hate.. I was just thinking that
nobody really cares nothing about me.
But I just felt relieved a bit because I have 2 wondersome best friends who care me.
I am sorry to worry you guys.
♥ I love you both ♥
And I swear that if someday we offend each other and dont keep in touch or die
I will always remember both of you good
and just tell I had the greatest bliss of my life
with you two shining stars.
Here my writing is done for today.
Keep calm and get ready for one another adventurous story of tomorrow.
Ja Kiitos Cashew
Und Danke Theo
Night Night. 

When We First Kissed

Well to admit that

it was such a bad beginning to the first light of the day. Baby I know sometimes it is gonna rain as it cannot be sunny all the time but I dont feel alright.. I had my ex bf in my dream. We were really happy, hand to hand and then he hugged me so tight that I felt his warmth. He was kissing my lips saying that he missed me a lot.

Omg then I woke up.. Why these dreams dont  keep that long? Fufufufu..

I never got any news from him because the last time we really argued that we cant even make friends. It was more than 3 months ago when I last talked to him. I wouldnt want my relationship to turn into mess but people change by time.. But still I am thankful that I had happy and good memories.

Anyway..
I am pissed off again. Fuck this sudden mood change. I need to handle with it but I really dont know how to fix it. I am pretty tense and I try to control it at all. I am just bored and upset.. Sometimes people really dont understand me. Especially my mom.. She pisses me off at all because we are svery different. She doesnt want to understand my world and I really dont wanna be involve in her world.

Night Night.

The Awakening

Hello Guysss!!

I have many things to mention ^^
But let me talk about
previous day
Because
I have some stuff to do today
But dont worry I will
type about it too.

January 8, 2013

In the morning I woke up with backpain again. Fuck that shit as it doesnt heal over

as it is all because of my ovaries. I have been taking those pills for almost 3 months and nothing has changed except my period regularity.. 

But thanks God I am not bleeding randomly at least. That is the only good thing I guess.

By the way

I am eating orange while typing.

You know I like fruits a lot.

And it is healthy.

So guyssss

DO EAT FRUITS.

Anyway

I was just expecting such a terrible day at all because all I did was to study and I was

freaking bored.

In the evening I chatted with Theo

She was fucking moody as well.

It is because of that Daley girl. Maybe I cant be shared. I would never think that

I will be precious LOL.

Yeah I know sometimes things suck.

But it made me laugh a bit.

I need to handle with this 

Then a ring ^^

Whooaa 

My dearest Cashew 

got Whatsapp.

♥♥♥

[Hey you, I am very glad that you had]

It was much more fun after we exchanged some files.. Especially voice records.

LOL

[Man your voice was like HOOOO]
I enjoyed a lot..

And Cashew came back to skype world.
It has been ages that she hasnt signed in ohh maybe since summer..
So I am proud of presenting this:

Yea, It is a legend :D

The meaning of today in history
Hehehe we will always remember
As long as you dont forget your password.
Naaaaa, never ever again.
[By the way that one you currently have on your profile is my most favourite.
I needed to emphasize]
Girl you are amazing !!!

And maybe you guys know that I collect bookmarkers.. Uhh ohh but my friends and my niece took many of them and they didnt bring back.. Lets say they stole them. xD
Theo just showed me her collection.
Ohh they areeeeeeeee
WONDERSOME
♥♥

And few more pictures of them..
Wait a second because I need to upload.

Here they go now.
My God they are pretty..
Theo you made me jelous at all LOL.

Need to go now. I have many things to do indeed right now..
I am grateful that you guys made my day.
Love you and I emphasize again that
I am the luckiest person to have
such brilliant and insane
friends like you.
♥♥♥
T & C

Illuminati

Bildiklerin gördüklerinden ibaret. Ama herşeyi görüyor musun?
İşte sana görmediklerini vaat ediyorum. İyice düşün, gerçekten istiyor musun?

Whatever you know consists of only what you see. But do you think you see everything?
Here, I am promising you to show whatever you dont see. Think over carefully, do you really want?

Up On The Floor

Poor me !!!

Yeah poor me as I fell asleep on my floor last night that my ear folded and squeezed between my head and floor.. It was pretty red early in the morning.

It hurts a lot and cruel people because nobody woke me up so that I climb up on my bed and sleep in it.. I wont forgive you for that at all LOL.

Oh I was damn tired yesterday because I had voice chat with 3 friends in a row.

Omigod,

Theodora has a sweet voice that I never expected from her and she is very beautiful.

We had a lot to talk, especially gossip about the formspringers which made me laugh a lot indeed.. She is crazy.. Uhm not crazy, as crazy word is not enough to describe her personality but lets say she is insane.

Funny things are going around

but maybe I cannot mention

over here that nuch

anyways.

The Voice

Hello
Well just added the link that I sing "she will be loved" by maroon 5
I like that song since my 15s and I sang as solo many times.. But well it was hard for me to find the song in karaoke format so I decided to sing with the solist lol.. Hope you like it


vocaroo.com/i/s1XToGUlnGul

The Waves

Hello

Actually I had to change the content of this entry from top to bottom because of the breaking news.. I am just tired of this scandal family at all and they drown me in dark deep ocean because they would never understand me, my ideas are always nonsense to them and their ideas are always primitive for me.
My sisters, mom, relatives, kinsmen.. All of them, really all of them.

Like the scholasticism in medieval period and stupid superstitions..
My God I am dying at all as I have been applied sympathetic magic for thousand years.

I need to split up from Vatican* and set up my own Chuch of England.*
You know what I mean but how could I do that without excommunication?*
That's all I have been thinking of..
They force me to practise their own religion*
I am Martin Luther* to my family and they try to set fire on my belief because they are really blinded by their own worshipping way*
As I am tired of their selling the land pieces of Heaven.*
But you know even Henry VIII covert his citizen to protestant, he was a catholic by himself.
So I could be Henry VIII as well.
All I need is mustache and crown then so let me find them from somewhere else

And my sister.
I dont know if I am being a bit cruel but but but "what goes around, comes back around" so maybe you deserve what you face with right now. Anyway I dont want to talk about it.

SOME METAPHORIC TERMS

Vatican: My family

Church of England: My own freedom

Excommunication: Being disowned

Religion: Lifestyle, tradition, culture, ideas

Worshippig way: Superstitions, their own ideas

Selling  the land pieces of Heaven: Forcing me their ideas so as to have good deeds

It's Nice To Meet You Sir.

Bad me... Baddddd meeeee..

As I couldnt be able to write something interesting. My life is boring already but well maybe I can tell you this:

It is snowing !!! 

♥♥♥♥♥

But it is even boring because there is still no snow on the ground as it snows and stops then snows again then stops.

I try to finish my letters that I have been writing, well so many people to write and less time to sit and check.

Never mind, my friends wouldnt mind that much as we are chatting daily ^^

Well Night Night

I Can Love You More Than They Hate

You have always been laughed at
Unattached in all you do
In the end descending into the rain,
“My favorite umbrella has been blown away” you say
With appreciation for your efforts,
I’ve been treading upon that field
As always you are a disliked person
People keeping their distance without reason
Even though you’ve put in much effort
Thinking “It must be for some reason or another”
You’re at a loss and have fallen into sadness
So it’s fine to use my voice!
Not able to be understood by humans,
A painful, terrible voice
Even if it’s called such things
I’ll surely become your strength
So let me sing and you’ll see
Yes, let me sing your very own words
Compose them and join them together
I’ll cry out those words and feelings
Lay out your ideals
I won’t let anyone touch those feelings
And then the voice of the Odds & Ends will ring out
Clumsily connecting the truth together
Raising a big voice with all my might
Together we thought of so many words to say, haven’t we?
And yet, right now a single one doesn’t come to mind
But still everything is understood
“I see, surely this is a dream. Never waking up, coming to know you, that kind of dream.”
The Odds & Ends keeping a smiling face like that
No matter how much I call out, it still won’t move
At your desired conclusion, crying and screaming
It’s a lie right? It’s not true!
Yes, cry and scream
“I’m powerless”
I could not rescue even a single neglected item
Those feeling, through your tears,
Stain your cheeks one by one
At that time,
The world will change that color in a grand way
Sadness and joy
All will be felt together as one
When I begin to sing
The world will once again go around for your sake
That voice entrusted with your intentions
Right now those feelings will ring out

Call Me When You Are Sober

I have been willing to type for few days but I was again haunted by laziness and there are still many things on my mind to worry me.

Ohh why?? Tell me why??

 It is so fucking that nobody understands.

I had a huge fight last night with mom and my elder sister that I couldnt help crying.

Why I am the one always blamed.

Nooo I cant bear anymore.

I am so sick of this life and fuck this shit that I wont go job interview tomorrow..

Because I am really pissed off.

Nobody asks what I really want from the life

but they are always trying to impose what they want me to be.

Come on I am not a sculpture to be shaped as much as they want.. I have my own ideas and my own feelings and I will be glad if they just set me free.

And 

This is my life..

If i wanna ruin then I will ruin it.

I am tired of being controlled and pressured.

Everybody is stupid around me to follow every second of my actions.

Prejudiced, judgemental, they think it is the easiest way to be me without knowing the thoughts in my mind..

Fuck my life is not easy, nobody's life is easy

but why the hell you feel jealous of my life?

Nothing to feel envious too much

So why do people just say:

 "I wish I could be in your shoes"

Really?

You would kill yourself in a second if you were in my shoes, asshole. Because I know that you wouldnt be able to stand one more second to keep my life..

So shut up

Shut up forever and mind your own business

because you have no idea about what I am fighting with in my mind..

Yeah I am being rude right now

So what?

You can never know unless you are me.

So stop judging me as long as you know nothing about me.

Get your own life instead of involving in mine alright?

I know it is madness

Paradoxical Nightmares

:'( Morning..Nightmare again and i missed your hugs..I am just trembling trembling all over :(((( My face hurts especially my eyes because in my dream I saw that i was in a hospital and having operation from my eyes.. It hurt a lot :'( I was scraming because of the pain.. They poked sharp things into my eyes and I was tied up on a sickbed.. My hands were tied that I couldnt move and something stratched my eyes so deep that it made me cry out so loud. And hearing my own scream awoke me.. Someone gouged my eyes and I got blinded to darkness.. It was painful.. Painful like hell :'(

Omg I still feel like crying..I dont know if it is subconscious but my eyes really hurt as if soneone fingered my eyes :(

I dont really know if we really live in dreams sometimes or dreams are reflection of our pains while we are sleeping.

My best friend also saw same kind of dream  Oh I really got scared too much :((

Hope that we dont have evil news !!!

That summarizes the event I guess. LOL

Sweet Dreams

onkkk 12pm I fewl aswwiip för 10 minuten and I haff yew in ma dream..  it wuz sö cuwtt dat wi were in a gawden, everywhee wuz gween and sum buttaflies and sum daisiess, wi were switting on a bank side by side.. yew were tewling mi sumfing and then wi giwggled. I tod yew I miwssed yew a lot sö yew geyv mi a warm hug.. I rewly sensed hoe wam it wuz aws if it wuz reawl.. i wuz sö heppiiii and rwaxed..

Then Shit I woke up.. :( fuck it, i thought it was real :( and I felt sad when i woke up cuz the dream was gone.

Turkkilainen Onni ja Amerikkalainen Georgie

Previously on Desperate-life !!!

Well I was gonna post the picture of these two important figures in my life but I couldnt have time especially on xmas day.

As I mentioned before that we turkish people do not celebrate xmas. How pity but well I gave myself a gift :D

This is Onni.

Oh my God. I really love polar bears so much. They are very cute ^^

Onni means luck in Finnish and thanx for Cashew to give idea about names to find for him. It suits him as well.

These are Georgie and Onni

Georgie is now a big brother and he takes care of his little brother Onni lololol.

This is Georgie

He was very lonely before his little brother Onni was born. So he was extremely excited and clapping when he first saw Onni lol.

Dont ever ask why their colors are different, it is because they are biracial hahah..

Moral: No Racism, Yes Brotherhood.

We Could Be The Same

LoL.. It is not an elevator but my spaceship :D Wtf, why the elevators always have dim light as if somehing mysterious will happen inside?

I hate this camera especially when I am about to take night time pictures..

Hello world !! This is a friendly alien that landed on Earth from Venus :D

I dunno but I liked the picture somehow.

Previously On DesperateLife

Well I am really sorry that I havent been able to post  these silly stuffs before as I really didnt have much time and I dont think I will  have much time to keep being online following days as well so I try to post as much as I can whenever I am free.

Last time I just wrote my arm something with an invisible pen and lololol I coulsnt remove it for a long time but thanx God it was invisible unless I put a purple light on it ahahah damn, it was very silly..

I guess it was better in the darkness :)
So I had to take shower 3 times till it remived lololol
All the crazy stuff find me at all.