Orientalism

The western world's aspect of the east. I mean the east in the eyes of west. Ok I am not gonna mention my literary criticism classes :DDDDD

Everything began like that;

My eye is on you

I took this picture to send a friend to kid with her then I got an idea to tease.. Why dont I cover my head totally by leaving my eyes visible at all?? LOL.. So I was gonna pretend to be an arab but I am not sure if I look like ninja or arabic women :D

Stay there.. I am gonna upload the picture: 

Here, my aim was to cover head at all but it brought more  ideas.

Such like this.. I know I am crazy, there are some moments nothing can hold me.. Suppose that I wake M. up such like that. I swear she never be able to sleep back again LOL.

And of course a ninja is supposed to have ninja sword.. But I have dagger instead haha

It tastes good xD

Anddddd a bit overal one even though I look ridiculous..

I had so much fun indeed..

Basic Lyrics #1

Broken - Evanescence ft. Seether

I love listening to this song when I am alone
I love singing when I am feeling lonely
I love the lyrics as they are meaningful
This song sometimes makes me feel crying
The first time I saw the video, I was 14

Ay, Ay Kahroldum

Gökyüzüne yazdım adını binlerce yıldızla
Aldırmadı, gülüp geçti çağrıma.

Göze aldım, dağları deldim
Çölleri, denizleri aştım geldim
Ama nafile, bakmadı gözyaşıma

Ay, ay kahroldum
Düşe kalka peşinde maskara oldum.

Ay, ay unutuldum
Karda kışta kurda kuşa yem oldum


[I wrote your name up above the sky
with hundred of stars
You didnt care, but laughed at my call

I dared everything, ripped mountains
I came by your side by crossing the deserts and seas
But in vain, you didnt care my tears

Ay, ay I am damned
I became a fool stumbling behind you

Ay, ay I am forgotten
I became a prey for wolf and birds in winter]

Biiiiiyuuutuuufuuulll Fiiiiiiliiiiinnnngggg

Morning !!!
I woke up to a new day with hope. I want today to be very peaceful and relax because it is sunday. Even if I am sick physically I am fine mentally I guess but I dont really know what is waiting for me at the end of the day. I dont want to give in easily because it is not late for anything.. I dont wanna spend today in hospital too like I did yesterday, my blood pressure was low in the evening though 9/4 and normal one is supposed to be 13/8.. It constantly made me feel like passing out anywhere I found :/ but well I did was to sit my bro in law and my niece/nephew in sitting room by putting my head on the edge of the armchair by acting like I am okay.. Something is really weird with me.. My niece studies science-maths and I swear she is really smart, I asked her a maths question to teach me the shortest method of it and she couldnt solve it xD so I did somehow in a short time which surprised her. She said that "auntie, your brain is really wasted, you could have studied medicine, it is not late yet as universities began to be full with people who are over 24 years old." I just mocked her that "yeah you wanna me have my 2nd diploma at the age of 30s right?" and we giggled.. Hope she studies medicine as she wishes.. I just recognized something that made me happy, for the first time someone in my family is proud of me and it is that 16 years old girl [my niece].. And she will be the 2nd member of the family who is slightly open minded and who will follow my way by getting rid of these bigots..I saw the light in her ^^
Texting with my ex also made me feel alright yesterday.. He knew I was sick few days ago and called to ask how I am.. Then said "you are the smartest girl as far as I know, could you give me some advice?" I helped him on something very complex.. I know we could never be the same again but I swear I cannot hate any person anymore.. I forgave him but I wont involve him in my life ever again because I am not inlove with him, maybe I love someone but that is not exactly my ex and maybe I think I feel I am crushed again.. I really dont know but I swear I will suffer again by keeping it inside.. But I am also afraid of runing the things. Anyway the matter of love always sucks..
One more thing.. What the hell is wrong with some people?? I used to have two good friends from highschool and I introduced both of them to each other. We three were good friends but then they left me out lolol and they began to get closer to each other.. So they gave up calling or texting me.Yeah it always happens I dont mind, but the thing is that , why still people love gossiping about the others who dont even keep in touch?? Let me tell you the story, one of them texted me few days ago by saying I was in urgency because of my face.. Duhhh -_- I told her her yeah I was in urgency but not cuz of my face, your news resourse is half wrong.. She was like that: ohhh please tell me what happened then??.. I just told her how could she know I was in urgency as long as we dont keep in touch for a long time?? .. One of the nurse was her friend and told her my name.. Whao the fuck that nurse is? and how does she know me even while I dont know her..I told my friend that I have problem with my period regularity.. Yeah she doesnt need to know the triths and she was satisfied with my answer, pfff.. It really made me.go craxy because she is fucking damn curious and has no shame to ask what is wrong with me at all although they cut the connection few months ago, yeah she can ask but she even didnt tell get better soon.. She just learnt what she wanted and never texted back lololol.. Yeah we will have all kind of friends in our lives..From gossip types to curious ones, from liars to fake ones..All kinds :) that is why experiences prevent us to have new friends I guess.. I say myself that Beyza it is an another experience to keep in your archieve..I just try to figure the things out... So nobody knows me that deep inside but surface except my two best friends ♥♥ [they are painted in blue] and they are living in another countries, I wish we could live closer but someday we will meet in person, I really hope that...
Besides I wont let this annoying thing to ruin my day :) I dont need many friends.. I need friends who understand and accept me as the way I am..With my mistakes,with my worst fucking moody manners, with my bad sense of humour and with my insanity...
Andddd I cannot skip this !!!
I spent the whole night with M... Night? xD almost sun was gonna rise haha.. Girl sorry to let you down but I think I am at the beginner phase for migraine.. Massive headaches and I cant stand the light and noise and ffff I feel like crazy and pills do not wotk but I spent few hours to download your damn word games until I find the true one  and kik with you :DDD maybe now I have the game.. Our eyes were hurting but we were still kidding and teasing each other.. That is the best part of the friendship and a good sacrifice.. I thank you so much, I owe you and I am.really glad that you got rid of the bad mood for a while.. I know you did it for me that is why I adore you bottom of my heart..

It is unrelated but suddenly I remembered the parody of "as long as you love me" that I watched on youtube yesterday.. hihihihi..
But I am gonna share the original one.

Baby I know this is our song LOL.

I love you guys.. I really love you ^^
How happy to have such brilliant best friends in my life..

Omg, It is biiiiiyuuuuuuutuuuuufuuuullll

Heavenly.. Who says that there is no heaven on earth?

Resource: Potato

Hey moron, special thanx for the pictures ^^
Omg sorry for this disorganized entry as I should have said bye bye after the part "How happy ... " but well my mind is like garbage can so I share whatever I think of..

So the true and the best friendship is like this:
>> Peeling orange continuously when the other one desires quietness
>> Giving banana when the other one is freaking moody
>> Hiding into fireplace and stay there till the things settle down so as not to be killed by the other
>> Crying, doing nothing together, leading a warm conversation, playing games, kiss/ kick/ hammer/ hug each other when one or both of the sides are down..BASICLY SHARING WHATEVER YOU HAVE..

I know we are insane :3333 

That is best damn thing that makes the friendship
          Biiiiiiiyuuuuuutuuuuufuuuuuulll

xoxo

The Worst Will Be Over And We Will Breath Again

Goodnight..
I dont really know how I feel right now. Maybe a bit complicated, maybe sad because my friend is sad and she needs silence. But I am sure she will be alright because she is a strong girl. She is the master of riddles. So life picked some people yesterday to be burden and today she was chosen to be put the sorrow. Tomorrow it will be another person, the next day me, the next day any random person..But I know that somehow we will handle and ease the pain by time. I cant talk to her now as she will get mad at me but even she is mad, she is the sweetest caring person ever.. I adore her, I adore her strength and maybe she is aware of it.. I envy her because she has the features that I wanted to have but it is not jealousy, it is admiration.. if I wish something for myself then I always wish something the best for the people whom I adore because when they share their success or happiness with me I feel proud of them by being the happiest...

And I know that someday if I cannot walk to her, she will run to me because she is that type of merciful generous and kind person.. I know her caring heart now.. She proved me maybe many times but I was fool enough not to recognize. But I know now and it is not late to learn..

All I know is that she has a bright future with full of bliss. She will ask how do I know that while reading this entry.. [I am not medium you know, but I didnt share some of my dreams with you] That most of the time in my dream I see her in a green garden/ park/ field while sitting peacefully..

One more thing, she has fear and anxiety but she will be a great mother.. We can never know the prospective husband/daddy but of course he will be a nice man who will make her glad as the way she deserves for the rest of her life.. Omg I wish I could be godmother or how do you guys say, baptise mother? lol I forgot it anyway but well I wish I could be that thing for the kids but but but I am not a christian so :( but in my tradition we give gold to the mother for new born babies, so maybe you guys would let me go jewellery store and offer a special gold bracelet for the little baby.. omg I guess you will really have a baby girl first because I mentioned bracelet first.. But if it is a baby boy then you mother will have such a gold jewellery from auntie Beyza.. I really dont know if you have that kind of tradition.. And I ask for permission to teach them their first, second and third swearing words "fuck" "asshole" "your mom".  LOL you will kill me but you will have little assholes who will curse like me in the end. :DDDDDDD I guess I talked too much..

So bye for now.
*Steals a sweet kiss from your cheek and runs away*
Stupid, I peeled some orange for you by the way. :*

Omfg You Are So Damn Whimsy

Duhhh -_- 

Even today's bots are so mean

As it didnt even ask who I am inlove with.

Damn whore bbleeehhh..

LOL

Life Looks Better In Spring

I still remember that December like yesterday :(

No, please dont wish it from me as I can never forget

Because, no matter what the feelings always remain ...

Anywhere

I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason

Forget this life 
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Stay Here Tonight

I know it's late and you're tired
And we'd been talking for hours here
You don't have to tell me

I see that look in your eyes
And I know soon we'll say our goodbyes oh yeah
I feel it coming

And I hear you take a deep breath
And my hands are starting to sweat
I don't want you to
I don't want you to leave yeah

Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
'cause when you're around me everything's right, don't go
Oh, don't leave me alone
Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
I wanna hold you in my arms show you what that's like, don't go
I need you, I need you

You grab your coat and I'm dying
But I know you're still deciding, yeah
'cause nobody's moving
Time stops and everything's quiet
I'm hanging on for my life and you
You don't even see it

And then you come in closer
And baby it's not over
Till I hear you say, till I hear you say
Goodnight oh yeah

Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
'cause when you're around me everything's right, don't go
Oh, don't leave me alone
Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
I wanna hold you in my arms show you what that's like, don't go
I need you, I need you

Something about you saves me
Something about you makes me feel like I'm alive

I Know The Truth Now

All I need to look inside of people in some circumstances. Because they dont show their real face until the very last second. I am just disappointed because I'm stabbed in the back one more time. They are taking sides even if they act like they never do and it makes me feel like laughing at their face :D There is a saying in Turkish: "Denize düşen yılana sarılır" means "the one who falls into the sea, hugs the snake" .. I think its meaning is clear enough.. Anyway..

These days I miss Cash a lot, her pc is fucking broken down grrrrr.. But thanx God we still have connection ♥ Baby, hope that it works properly or I will kick it.. Ohh it will almost be a year within 2months since we met.. Darling you are the best damn thing that has ever happened to me :DDD You are my pain in the ass :* And I dont know if you still remember my tree adventures for the high connection.. This summer I expect it to be the same hahaha.. And ice hockey matches on TV.. Go Finland... Goooo... Thanx for being in my life darling, hope to meet you and then take you Amsterdam LOLOL..
Bye for now.

Complicated

I know there's no one next to me
I'm staring trough tears at my heart
I keep my own thoughts deep in me
Vivid my certain stucked in past
There are no memories to hold on
You are watching me fall on my own

Why?

My God,
Why not me but my cousin??
2 Deaths in 14days..
And why do such good people die?
They never deserved that sudden.
It shouldnt be like that, no way.
They were too young :'(
Like newly blossoms of a tree.
Then they fell under the ground.
They just slip over the sky one by one
Like shooting stars, I hate it.
Many people love watching stars
But I hate shooting stars..
It reminds me of my ex bf.
He once told me he hates them.
I asked "why? It is amazing"
He told, he was watching
the sky from the balcony at night.
Suddenly he saw a shooting star
and felt crushed as if something very
bad happened.. Yeah the next day his
father was killed in a conflict. He was a
brave person and a good soldier.
Shooting stars remind me of my dad too.
When I was a little kid we used to stay
in our vineyard. I was watching the sky
with my dad and suddenly I saw
a shooting star, it was very close that
I thought a real star fell under a tree.
It was dark and I was very scared to
go there alone,but I still persisted my
dad by saying "dad, there is a shooting
star under that tree, lets go and I wanna
take it." I never desired to have
something that much, besides I was
excited.. He knew it, he knew how
innocent my thoughts were, so he held
my hand and didnt say anything
to break my dreams but took me to
the tree, I was naive, I was fool but
I was a kid who is not aware of it.
I sought for the star but I couldnt find
I got sad and he noticed it so he
told me these: "the shooting star
flew over the sky again, it never fell
because it would be broken if it hit
the ground and you wouldnt want it
right?"... I nodded and I was not sad
at least..
I left that fool kid under the tree..
Because I am at an age to be aware of
everything, everything around..
Maybe for 4 years I hate
shooting stars too, hah they are not
amazing as they seem. They just
remind me of the worst memories.
They are nothing but shit at all..

Now
How much can I take of this?
How long can I live with this?
People think that I am very brave
But me?? Noo, I am surrounded by
the power of the cowardice..
NO SHOOTING STARS
No, No, NOOOOOOOOOO
NEVER EVER AGAIN !!!!
Because ...
I am scared to face with the reality.

You Always Make My Life Upside Down

I swear I feel like that shit today

Noble Tears Counter

Hello,
Maybe I don't feel alright right now.
Because of sudden sore throat..
I'm burning outside,freezing inside.
I think I am getting flu as well.
The matter is not the physical pain.
How about the mental/emotional one?
My mind is blowing so bad.
My feelings are so heavy to carry.
Irresistable pain waits for me to take.
But I know somehow I will handle.
People think nothing hurts me
and I am always fucking happy.
Yes I am because I need to be,
I try so hard to survive in this life.
But I always walk on the edge at all.
I am afraid to lose balance and fall.
Nobody understands, nobody can.
So please dont ever try hard on me.
Some friends but not the peace of mind
Everyday there is someone to hurt inside
I'm dying already with my own wounds
Am I that bad? Am I that wrong?
I wonder what is wrong with me.
One drop of tear brings the waterfall
Now I will tell you what I've done for you,
Fifty thousand tears I have cried.
And you werent there, you'll never be...

Everybody's Fool

You think I dont know

You think I dont understand

Yeah, you are right. I am such a fool

But not only me, everybody's fool

Different From Me

I'm not afraid of anything
I just need to know that i can breathe
I don't need much of anything
But suddenly, suddenly

I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
But suddenly, suddenly

How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel?

I'm young, and I am free
But I get tired, and I get weak
I get lost, and I can't sleep
But suddenly, suddenly

"Would you comfort me
Would you cry with me? "


I am small and the world is big
But I'm not afraid of anything

Child In Time

LOL I remembered this video in the middle of the day and I wonder why indians are that funny with their music and dances.

It Is Just The Beginning, Not The End

You were like my childhood friend.. We were sitting on this wall between that 2 trees and swinging our legs .. This wall is high and seperates two apartment's entrance so we were around 12s and giggling.. So my mom called me to home as she used to.. I was very sad and sorry and told you "I have to go".. So you hugged me and said you have a surprise for me.. I jumped off the wall and looked up to wave you but you disappeared like a fairy.. So I entered to the apartment thoughtful then I pressed to the button of elevator while i was lifting up something fell on my head.. A paper, your hand writing on it.. You wrote "stupid" and one more paper fell.. "Pssstt I am here".. One more paper fell "you silly" written on it. I looked up to the root of elevator.. There were many many papers syou sticked and you wrote something on them.. I looked around.. Many papers too.. You drowned me in papers.. I took them back and gather in my hands but they were so many that i couldnt collect more in my hands.. I was reading at the same time because I was feeling as if you tell them with your voice :D and they were sparkling while i was reading so I stopped the elevator and decided to lift down because there were papers on the floor saying that I should check my mailbox as well. I get off and walked through the corridors... There were sticked papers on the floors that I kneeled down and tried to gather them too but you sticked them so hard that some of them were thorn apart but i was crazily happy to take them off from the floor one by one.. You made a long track with papers for me to follow... Like footsteps. They directly took me to my mailbox. I checked and many papers there too and letters... Many many letters.. I said "girl you are crazy.. " I thought it was endless... I was totally drowned in papers.. Big, small, shining, colorful, white ... So I had a big bag and put them inside.. Pressed the papers inside randomly to gather others.. Then I reached to the main entrance.. But i wasnt 12 anymore.. I didnt notice I was ageing while gathering the papers. I was living for ages but it felt like some minutes to me at all.. I got sad cuz I got old around my 50s in a sudden.. Not sudden but it was me who didnt recognize.. I looked out of the entrance and saw you shining and waving at me.. Like little childs do it to older people.. Yeah you were still like 12 even less than 12, maybe 9 .. I called you "Hello M. from distance and you asked how do i know ur name? I said I am your childhood friend.. You were surprised by saying how can an old lady be your friend. I said this is me.. But you said you dont know who I am.

Omfg No Shiki Miki !!

Goodmorning fellasssss...
Actually I woke up early today and I was studying [I am gonna continue to study LOL] but I wanted to share this one:
While one of my friend was hanging around tumblr early in the morning she saw a picture and thought it was me
She said: "aww B. why would you go for dat, girl?"
She texted me the link.. So I am gonna share the picture:

LOL, the girl on the top

Yea she looks like me but for sure it is not me in the picture lololol.. However just for a while I thought that if one of my picture was stolen and photoshopped xD it is something striking though. Anyway bye for now..

Shocky Mocky Sucky Monday

It was a good start for a day but well it didnt last that long.. I had my 8th suitor for arranged marriage which pissed me off..The same woman, although we refused, she came again.. I dont even know her but I guess she liked me and she will be persistent.. I am expecting her 3rd time too.. The thing I got angry was my granny.. She was in bedroom and she shouted my name on purpose so that suitor's mom hears and learns.. I try to hide my identity and features so that the news isnt spreaded out. I wanna mention my granny first.. She is around 82 years old and she talks too much, she talks even much more than me :D and she tells everything to everyone that I really hate.. Oh come on woman, please keep our secrets a little bit inside so that people do not involve in nor use them against us. I believe in evil eye, so whenever granny praises me or my good features to others, I quickly get sick or something bad happens.. I am easily and quickly get influenced by the evilish powers.. I know that you might not believe such a thing but for sure something goes wrong at a time when I am praised.. Actually I dont have anything to be praised as well LOL but even the day whenever I do my hair something good or wear make up becomes a good subject for my granny to press the buttons of her mobile and call someone random to tell what did I exactly do.. FFFF it is very depressing to have such a granny indeed..Besides, she is very curious, she tries to invole in everything and wants everyone to do whatever she wants.. If you dont do what she exactly wants she tells it hundred times until you freak out to do that thing to shut her up. She is a selfish person, she always likes whoever religious but she doesnt recognizes if that religious person has a good or bad personality..My mom says she is old and naive but fuck thay shit my granny is not naive, she is fucking aware of everything, even she has a better memory than me..She calls me "princess" at home and I swear I really hate to be called princess..Mostly I dont respond her if she calls me like that so she leads a monologue in a volume as if we both are having dialogue, she tells the things loud if she wants me to hear and persists to freak me out..
[Omfg sorry for the rant but I swear I am very full so I need to pour it out..Btw she is my mom's mom.. My dad's mom passed away a year after my dad's death..]
Anyway, she can hardly walk because of her legs and it is normal.. Yeah we mostly turkish people are not able to walk properly approximately after our 60s.
I think this post explains everything,
Just a second as I will upload soon

Yeah Loading .......

LOL whenever I read I feel like laughing.. Indeed I am not such a bad person to swear nor treat bad to old people but grrrr my granny freaks me out at all..
Hope that she moves to my aunt soon.. Because she has been here for a month and she will stay few months too..

Yeah I forgot to mention Turkish customs.. We Turks have strong family ties, we are supposed to be respectful our elderly people and need to take care of them ... Especially a child is raised to take care of their parents when they get older which is both good and bad.. You can guess why.. So it is not ethic to leave your parents to a nursing house, but for me it is ridiculous because children do not have to take care of their parents.. I wouldnt mind to be left in a nursing house when I get older.. I dont know, I dont need anyone indeed..
Anyway, bye for now

I Can't Breathe Easy

Ohh please dont frown, I know I havent been able to write for few days.. I didnt feel like to because of many sad things..
I just remembered a song that I used to listen when I was 15.

Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye
Watching him hold what used to be mine
.....
....
I cant breathe easy
Cant sleep at night
Till you are by my side

I cant breathe easy
I cant dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There is no air

Curse me inside
For every word I caused you to cry
Curse me inside
I wont forget , no baby
I dont know why
I left the one I was looking to find
Ohhh why, ohhh whyyy???


Well I am just feeling disappointed and sad.. I just watcing people how they break and hurt me.. It was once them who asked me tobe in their lives and now I am thrown away as if an used tissue..

People who are kind turned so rude

People who are familiar became so strangers.

It is better to apologize and then leave them alone then because anger, selfishness, their benefits just erase the good deeds and the struggle I show them. However they judge me with little mistakes while their faults are as big as the world. I keep a blind eye so that we can fix the things but no, they just torture me with every single stuff by forgetting that I effort and they should forgive me for the sake of me for once...

But nooo, that is my fate to bear such pain.. However I learn, I learn how to give up, I learn not to give much of myself who doesnt deserve.. I know someday I will cool off too.. Like the stupid people all around me and at that time you will miss the precious things what you are given.. 

It will be too late.. 

Thoughts will be replaced by repentance ...

Requiem will not work to resurrect me ...

I will be the sorrowful knot in your throat.

More Time

Hope you could someday understand
That is not something I have planned
No,dont worry, everything will be fine
Fate will lose, darkness will hide away
Because everything's in the hands of God
Sun will rise, days will follow each other
Just this soul doesnt get used to silence
So please tell me what's on your mind
As I could never figure out by myself
I can never find what is hidden inside
We need much more time, few hours
Promised no matter how much it takes
I will wait for it with my all patience.

Would You Wait For Me Forever?

Sometimes ...

I wish ...

"I Wishes" are getting collected in my small box where I keep them locked..

I write them down on paper so that I read back and dont lose ever again.

Especially the things I couldnt do even if I wanted to achieve/have.

I wish ...

I wish ...

I really wish

I could go back in time

and fix the things that I couldnt

I am sorry for blaming people for the things I wish I couldnt do by myself and I will learn how to live with them whole through my life.

Now, taking action doesnt seem useful.

It will never work even if I try hard.

So it is too late to love and 

too early to lose..

Somewhere beyond the pain

there should be something to believe in

To live, to achieve, to bear.

I still live

I still breathe

I still continue to believe

~~~

My heart still beats

even if how much half I am.

Despite the dark hole deep inside my heart

So I will let the things undone.

I dont exactly know how and when but 

For sure there will be time span to 

be done. All done !!

Either here or there afterlife.

Now farewell thee.

Sincerely wish that someday

our paths cross again.

.......

Losing My Grip

This aint a "writing" for the broken hearted!!

No silent prayer for the faith departed

 ~~~ 

 It is my life,

 It is now or never 

 I aint gonna live forever 

 I just wanna live while I am alive.

 ~~~~~~ 

 My heart is like the open highway 

 Like B. said i did it my way 

 I just wanna live 

 while I am 

 alive. 

Red Road

Sorry for my existence

I give you your peace back!

How Perfect Everything Could Be

Here we go again..
Without the words you utter at all.
I couldnt sleep whole through the night..
And I dont know Why!!!!
Maybe I am just haunted
Or maybe cursed by the people.
Silence 
Silence 
Silence at all.
But nothing to gain.
That I cannot bear, but I can shed tears
For nothing.. Nothing serious.
I never understand how it helps.
You say you need me
and then push me with the back of your hand
Pity, pity that I cannot help
But at least I could share the sorrow.
Cuz I need you now and tomorrow.
But you are never there
Or hiding as you do well.
If I could change your mind.
If I could teach, if you could learn
Not to escape but to face.
Of course you cant fake,
Nobody can smile while crying inside
That is not I wanted, that is not what I intended..
Just sharing and caring,
I know I am useless..
I know I cant help
But I can be right over there to share
And you cant even share that.. 
You say you dont wanna lose me
and you cry but you push me.
You take it all away with you,
You wanna be hurt and
you wanna cry all alone
but that is what I cannot allow
that is me
that is my friendship
that is how i dont leave people alone
and I cant wake you from your nightmares
You wanna hit them alone 
but ever seen a person who can handle them alone??

Hep Saklandım Ben Kendi Dünyama

Bu ilk ve son Türkçe yazım sanırım.. Nereden esti diye hiç sorma, işte öylesine.. Bazen insanın kendi dilinde de deşarj olması gerekiyor. Ben de içimdekileri dökmeye karar verdim, iyi de ettim.
Affet, nefret ettim senden, diye söze giriyorum:
Hislerimi cümlelerle anlatamam, çünkü yetersiz kelimeler.. Ama yine de bir umut, neylersin durmuyor insanın içinde, patlayıp çıkıveriyor birden. O halde,
"Şu araların" bir listesini yapalım bakalım..
* Kördüğüm olmuş düşünceler
* Hayal kırıkları
* Yorgunluk
* Yalnızlık
* Korku
Kısacası, karmakarışığım.. Düşüncelerimde boğuluyorum.. Peki neden? Aslında pek çok nedeni var bunun ama;
Anlatsam dinler misin?
Dinlesen anlayabilir misin?
Anlasan yardım edebilir misin?
En iyisi boşvermek, hayatı eskisinden daha da fazla hafife almak..
Farkettiysen, takmayan insanlar daha da mutlu diğerlerine kıyasla. Evet daha mutlular çünkü düşüncelerinde ölmüyorlar benim gibi.. Bir de bana bak, ömrümden eksildi teker teker ve bunları oturupta paylaşabileceğim tek bir insan bile yok yer yüzünde...
Boşver artık, ben aramıyorum.
Çok istiyorsa o kişi gelip beni bulsun..

Big Girls Don't Cry

For readers information:
I am not sure if you noticed that most of the time my titles are picked up song lyrics or song names because I am deprived of imagination. Mostly they are related to the content. Some titles are of course have nothing to do with content as well because they are out of my poor imagination...
And you can ask me anything through comments.

I am sorry that I hurt you

It is something I almost live with everyday.

Feelingless Feelinglessness Of Feelings

So damn and damn, I could never be a good friend..

I try, I swear I try to do my best, I tear apart myself. 

Then dont you ever recognize that you should let it go.

And I am the one put the blame, but I dont care

Just let it go, dont follow, and dont chase me anymore.

Because I am complicated I could never be that easy at all.

Maybe a bit sweet and mostly bitter but I love the way I am.

I dont need to prove myself to anyone, I dont beg for mercy.

As I saw by myself nothing is eternal, nothing is forever.

Words are erased,promises are taken back easily.

I dreamt so long but they are gone in a short time.

No looking back, no looking forward but just now.

I am bored of feeling scared of losing what I have gained.

So no more gaining to lessen the pain of losing.

Yeaaaaa, yeaaaaaa

Just hurry up and

Stop the time

...

Cold, We Are So Cold, We Are.

I made my mind up.. These days I am in between most of the things, I didnt know I could turn out to be such a mess who cannot decide a thing.. Maybe my psychology got fucked up and I need to fix it.. Just few months more studying and everything will be alright and I will be so far away from here.. Please God help me for that because I dont really know what I am gonna face with.. Hope that it doesnt turn out to be such nightmare that I always have at nights.. I need to sleep peacefully from now on if i can..
Last 5months..
We will see what is gonna happen.

It's Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies

Goodevening
Actually I dont know how I am feeling right now.. Just drowned in my thoughts and someone needs to take me out of my mind for a little while. I cant find peace.. I cannot get the taste of anything.. The rooms are getting smaller, my bed is getting colder, everything familiar to me becomes stranger.. Yeah I lost my life appetite.. I pretend to laugh and enjoy my life as much as I can but then suddenly my throat is knotted and I have a silent scream deep inside that want to come out.. As if I am paying all of these, as if everything is my fault.. As if I am the one who is supposed to be executed.. Cheerful moments and my youth are gone by replacing themself with such a sulking and disappointed face and a broken heart with hatred. So why? Everything is in vain? Have I wasted myself that much? You never got me, you never wanted to understand.. Or you did but you pretended.. Yeah you made a joke, our lives' best joke, it was the funniest one but I cannot laugh at it.. I can never laugh nor smile. Because you took them all away with you.. And there is nothing left for me.. Now I am such a bad timing girl.. I cant smile on time, I cant cry whenever I want.. You ruined my perfect balance.. I dont know if it was your secret mission or on purpose.. I never wanna know, because you pomped my kind heart with grief, sorrow and hate. But you will never hear me say I hate you, nor see me cry. Those planted hatred will poison and kill only me. Not you. So even if I live then whatever doesnt kill me will come back to me as strength.. Strength to beat you down.. After all i killed you in my mind hundred times, what is the use of heart? Nothing can save you, nothing..
But some broken pieces stabbed and they keep me bleeding constantly.. I wont forget, I wont forgive.. Sometimes those wounds dont heal over no matter how much time I spend on it..They also pretend, they also pretend to be healed over at all hah.. Some permanent scars I cannot get rid of, soul to heart, feet to head that I am struggling.. But I promise that you will never see my fall...

Have So Much To Give

I cant wait the chance to come and go... Time steals everything we have like a little thief and then consumes. I know you are more afraid but arent we created to taste every feelings? Dont look at me like that as it hurts, dont curve your lower lip down for God's sake as I cant stand. Here, I made you a circlet from my courage to embrace your soul with .. And here my partnership is for better or worse, so preserve your heart by holding on it..
Am I rock or a rose or  fist
Or the breath at the end of kiss?
How deep do you wanna go
I will go there if I can..
Night Night

Holding Last Breath

:'( 

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

It Doesnt Matter Anyway

Such a wondersome start to a new day.. Even if my health is getting worse.. I had backpain whole through the night that kept me awake..But emotionally I am still strong no matter what happens.. So you still have chance to get on my nerves by trying hard LOL. Ok it was kinda weird wish to talk about right now.. I am gonna have a breakfast as I am hungry.. I lost my appetite and lost few kilos again.. I dont know.if I should feel glad or upset, I dont have fat to burn..Last night I also noticed that my hair strings fall.. Am I getting older or something? LOL .. I dont really care.. Maybe too much stress to bear.. But well everything will change as I will never be standing at the same point now I am... So I need to go and get some life outside of here, I need to earn my life again.. It is not still late.

One Hundred Years Of Solitude

Hello,

I dont really know what to write right now. Because my mind is empty, empty like hell.. I cannot think of anything but let me explain.

Current mood: annoyed/ pissed off

Head: Cant stand even to a single sound

Mind: Distracted

Desire: kiling someone quickly

Body: backpain, headache, stomach ache

Look, i cannot write stories now it is because I feel like something happened to my ears and I hear every single sound three times louder tsss.. Omg, I wanna die so much

True Lovers Are Always Protected

It felt like the greatest rain after a huge storm. Warm and peaceful. I just waited to rain over me because I love that feeling. It is like purification, how blessing how holy it is because it rests my each pieces. I thought I was really lost this time in the storm, i was dragged here and there, my mind was damaged and my hands got hurt to help me to stand up, because I fell many times.. I began to feel scared because no one to help me to reach for the sun shine.. Wild leaves of the trees just covered it and I cant see the sun yet but I feel it..Because it was going to rise somewhow. Something I really forgot to do for a while. "Watching over the sky" .. Billions of stars, sparkling, fading, shooting.. I couldnt know which one to trust and such a grief covered my soul too and a bit anxiety. Maybe I lost my hope and it worried me, faith loss led me have the thought of "What if I could never be back home again??" .. I trembled for a while and sat on a rock to think over everything.. Something evil whispered in my ear "You keep losing your way"..I looked on to the ground and tried to trace my footsteps so that I get the mysterious hints to go back to the spot I started but NOOOOO, the rain washed and the wind swept them away.. I was helpless and felt like a kid who lost her best toy, so my lower lip curved down and I was drowned in my tears at all..But I only made a wish..The unconscious wish that is poured out of my lips to the air "Please God, show me the path I need to follow because I am all lost in this wild forest" and I thought that nobody heard at all.. So I begged for the little sign and repeated my words over and over because i felt that dark sky was falling over me to swallow me.. And the evilish sound in my ears again "you wont be able to survive, you are doomed to death in your fears"... I looked around but there was no one.. I was still struggling, therefore I closed my eyes and wished strongly deep from the heart.. Maybe God heard me this time and sent me sign up over the sky.. "Meine Morgen Stern" sparkled so bright to show me where I am, at that night..

[I get my inspire from the northern sky..]


Bibliography:

1. Northern lights that are desired- Bernardo Fartingale, tk 25, 12p
2. Northern star- Emily Hedgetallis, fn 19, 94p
3. Morning star [german edition/ morgen stern]- Katherine Jèlovski cr/dn 19, 90p
4. Introduction to metaphors ♥
5. How to kick bitches- Hopen Darkenson
6. Le meilleurs amis- B.K Martinez, earth edition 365p