Tuesday, January 29

Wisdom Teeth Of An Ultimate Truth

Goodafternoon !!!
I just woke up and eating cereals while I am writing these. Yeah K-special red fruits, because I like both its taste and I need to keep my diet somehow otherwise I will gain the weight back that I lost.
Actually I kinda feel I had a boxing match last night and I am terribly knocked out because every pieces of my body just hurts so bad now. Besides backpain and special thanks to my wisdom teeth, for being the best inspiration for my tittle, that began to hurt since morning.

Today is 29th but I would like to mention yesterday night.
My eyes are still getting wet when I think about yesterday. Especially last night
I was such cheerful in the morning, everything began in the afternoon..My 6th arranged marriage candidate's mother rang the bell. I was thinking it was a postman but when I opened the door I came face to face with a stranger woman who asked my mom. Naive me because I was thinking she is a beggar or something LOL. But my mom invited her in and I realised that she is one of  those visitors so I ran off into my room and smashed the door... They talked some stuff, probably she praised her son and told about the features of him, and then she left.. Mom talked to me and she threatened me with beating me if I run away again.. Yeah my granny also witnessed those, she is a stupid old lady that spreads out the news about me to everyone in family, now my aunt uncle almost everyone knows that I have visitors. It will increase the number of it more because people always tell each other, so it will be a big deal, spreaded ear to ear.. I hate the situation I am currently in because nobody really understands nor asks how I feel. I am far different than my family members, I dont want to follow turkish customs and traditions because I find it too stupid. Arranged marriage? It is the most stupid thing I have ever known.. Couples are never satisfied and mostly couples who marry by means of arranged marriage just divorce. This topic makes me drowned, I dont even wanna anyone to make joke about it because it makes me upset and pissed off. Mom will never understand it and they make this arranged marriage topic a great phobia to me. I am really irritated about it.

In the evening I was so down but still I chatted with Cashew, she made me feel better ♥ because I am so damn moody that I cheer up easily or get upset so quick.. I love you girl..

At night I began to feel terrible again as if I was gonna burst out, I was so mad and upset. I also chatted with Theodora about this arranged marriage thingy.. Suddenly I burst into tears in my bed...
I could hardly admit that I missed my dad so much :'( I miss him, miss him, miss him.. This is the first time I tell it, years after his death.. I couldbt confess till last night even to myself: Yeah I cried so loud that "I want my dad".. I swear I really want him back because I recognized how much lonely and helpless case I am. He loved me more than anyone else in my family, he even loved me more than my mom..If he was alive now my life would be far different than this one I know.. I miss his presence, I miss his authority. Nobody really wants me in this family, nobody cares.. Nobody cares what I think , nobody asks what I want.. All I wanted was a shelter for me and he was my shelter.. At least he would make me be happy by letting me go and live in another city. Whole night I was with Theo ♥ till I fell asleep in the end. I sobbed on my pillow.Omg I cant even cry in this home, it makes me crazy because whenever my lower lip curves down mom asks what is wrong with me. So you can guess that I am fucking questioned when I cry a bit.. Ohh I need to pour it out as I wouldnt be able to live if I kept my life without crying more than 10 years..
Dad I miss you a lot... See me, How weak your daughter is, so come and take me with you, even it is hell i am willing to come wherever you are :'( With my whole scream in my throat, I just scream out your name that come back, I need you in my life, no matter what I am or what you were.. Give me your courage, give me your strength to deal with this life.. At least I would feel there is someone who is proud of me. Just hold my hand and cares my hair and kiss my face that  stupid girl's.. I wanna you know that I am very regret that stupid me never let you do those things even if I knew you waited me to forgive you with my heart whole those years patiently.. Angels promised me to tell you these from me: I am sorry, I am fucking sorry that my conscience kills me every single day piece by piece even if I am aware or not.. I forgive you, I forgave you :'( And someday we will meet again !! I promise that, this time I will give you a great hug.. The biggest and tighest one.. 
JUST FORGIVE ME.. Forgive stupid me.

I cant continue to type more because I am drowning in my tears.. Bye !


  1. time wont heal wounds...pain wont end..I can tell you that much..
    time will help you deal with those..and will give you many chances to forgive yourself as I know your father is so proud of you and loves you so much and he is always beside you ..
    it is ok to cry...it is ok to dream things different...but also remember to live ..for us who love you so much and for him who loved you more than anything on this world...your apology to him will be that..not regrets and tears...your life
    love you :*

  2. Thanx Ruby for feeling how I feel.Gonna do my best to handle.