Sunday, February 22

Vicious Cycle. The History Renews Itself

It has been such a long time that I havent published any kind of blog.. Yeah I was pretty online on Kat to post my blogs few months back but here on blogger it has been around 5 months ha? 

Few of my friends were asking about my blogs, whether I keep any secret blog somewhere or on my computer.. Even few of them Said they missed my blogs.. Should I really believe? Did they say that so as to console me or they really meant it..? I have some doubts about that but still I miss writing.. And I was really harsh by saying that I am not gonna write again.. So here I am again..

My life has really changed.. I can say that I am not the same girl I was used to be.. Pink dreams? Ahh nope, not anymore.. It is not getting worse but seriously man, it is getting harder.. I am totally confused and worried about the future.. No matter what I tell that I am gonna live this moment, blehhh, it is not happening at all.. Something always pokes my millions of thoughts and future reminds itself by kicking others.. 

Yeah, what is gonna happen next? Here I am, and dropped my shield again.. Lol.. I act like someone brave.. Who knows? Maybe I really am or not.. But just, I dont wanna be hit again.. Cupid.. Fuck your arrows.. You arrow me at a wrong time before a sucky person so it is all me who is fucked up all the time.. Didnt you really have enough of fun by suffering me? 

However, this time I dont suffer at all.. Because I lost my whole senses.. And I really got that love doesnt kill any person as long as that person is not stupid enough to kill himself. So stay, and fight for it.. Somehow we heal over..

Anyway.. Lets keep reading tonight.. Good night ^^

Friday, October 3

I am coming Home

It has been such a long time that I havent written any blog thus far on blogger even though I have been writing blogs on Kat..
Yeah kat is a kind of torrent site and I was having a good progress there until few days ago.. Baaam I got deleted (briefly my account's gone for good).. I dont know if I should care or not however I feel upset indeed.. Because I spent so much time there and made so many friends..

Recently no one seems to understand me or maybe I am getting introverted by time.. So all I am doing is just picking an anime and watch.. I watched around 15 episodes of Toradora today.. It was such a nice story..

Maybe you got curious? I dont like anime nor I am fan of them ... Also I can say that I am not an anime addict (Thank God) but from time to time I watch.. Especially the days whenever I feel I am fucking down.. Watching them doesnt make me feel good indeed but it makes me pass the time.. One more hour.. One more day.. And one more month.. You know...

By the way, I didnt have time to check whatever I have been sharing on my blog over here.. but for sure I have experienced so many sutff..
Actually I didnt really like the theme and fonts of my blog.. Damn, I dont know why I was really ignoring it but it began to disturb me already.. Maybe I should install a new background and play with the font size and color settings.. Blegggghhh..

Anyway.. I will try to keep writing again but I fear of ignoring because I have to study and I am working at the same time.. Also got a bf who I have been dating for about 6 months..

Wheewww.. We will see..
Have a nice day

Wednesday, July 3


I could only see my destiny in your eyes.
Cold like ice but brighter than the stars.
Now I can fight for you thousand years
As long as your holly lips touch my lips.

Tuesday, June 18

Spending Time In A Timeless World

Sometimes I wanna be back to my 16s.. I am 23 now.. Physically younger but as a soul I am more than a corpse lol. Yeah I got older and older. Time runs like a racing horse and I cant catch. I really dont know where did the years go..At that age life was fully a dream.. There was no sorrow and there was no pain and nothing to bully my mind. (ofc they all were but they never concerned nor occupied me that much) I didnt know what would I face, I never thought of future nor was I sure what I am gonna become when I completed my teenhood and took my first step to the adulthood. I was just crazy but fully alive and happy, just I made my life's biggest mistake. 'Growing up'.. Like other teens I was curious and enthusiastic, maybe I was in a hurry too. I didnt know haste would make waste.
So these days I get it when I experience more of the things that I cant ever imagine.. That wasnt what I wanted indeed.. I never wanted to be left in conflictions and I never wanted to lose my dreams that I could ever grow up in me..
It is like we used to play with certain amount of legos when we were kids. You have to break one side in other to build another.

Friday, June 14

The True Love Remains

" To begin a love letter we dont know what to write and when we reach for the closure we would never wish to end. "

Such a new love story showed up itself with a little bit of hush as if a poor leaf falling from a rootless three.. 
Everyone knows how it goes, yeah we all know because the person who claims that s/he has never been inlove is only telling the greatest lie of his/her life. As there will be no such a person who will leave the earth early before having love experience. I really dont know but in this case I remind my best friend's nice quotation "Nobody in the world will die early before they taste each kind of feelings". For me it is well said, feelings are for we humans. Therefore love is one of them and is everywhere on this earth, even in the hands of evil.
Love of nature, love of parents, love of animals, love of God and love of someone who do we assume special to us and so on. Here my aim is to share this entry with all of my blog readers.

And of course there are some symptoms of love like feeling; [it differs person to person]
throwing up
butterflies in tummy

I have no idea about what might be yours but those are the some of them that I mostly hear from people.

The matter is not who we are inlove with but the importance is that do we have the capacity and tolerance to accept the other person with his/her lifetime personality and mistakes?. Basically most of us move with the eyes of our heart that might be blind, If so,

Are you ready for the best temporary blindness?
They say love is blind. In a way it is true up to some point until someone has that urgent surgery to open his/her eyes to the actual world. I know it feels like falling off a horse while you are having the prettiest dream of your life. Besides we need to add this mixture "people might change their minds by time" compound.
Let me share with you a kind of ridiculous experience about it then: There was this guy at my primary school who fell inlove with me and we were only 12 years old. The weird thing is that he never told me he is inlove until a day he found my trace on facebook after 10 years. He remembers my childhood more than I do so it might be the clue that his eyes were on me. He asked to date for the first time by being persistent that I am the girl who has loved whole those years. He was very promising and maybe he was extremely confident. Actually it made me a bit laugh, because he had no idea who I turned out to be within 10 year.. You know nobody is the same person even a day ago, those are the experiences that contribute our character to change. So we had few serious talk that I told him "I am no more religious".. I can imagine what I broke inside of him.. But is it my fault? I just wanted to avoid of telling lies about my character instead of acting out. He suddenly changed his mind due to my not being a strict religious hehe. Please dont take it as an offense, we need to be free in everything what we believe but everyone deserves some respect. So he wished me a good luck and left. And what happened to the long lasting love he could ever promise? Who knows maybe sank into the dept of ocean..

Devoted to someone special.
It feels like rise and fall, sometimes the matter of love becomes the saddest knot in one's throat. There are many reasons; but the most striking one is "we always fall for the people who we think that we can never ever reach" That is why it hurts the most. Circumstances might not allow, so the lovers are forced to fall apart.
How happy for the ones who keep being together in one complete heart. And the question is;
Does love really end?
Maybe not, only some other kind of feelings dominate on love, for example anger, jealousy, hatred.. But it never ends. When it is knitted on one's heart for once, it could never be ripped out, it remains with the best or worst memories.

Sound Of Fear

I wonder what I am gonna face with more.. Sometimes people are scaring me top to bottom that I try to keep away. But when it comes to the person who I definately and wholly adore how would I do that? I am piece to piece because I dropped my guard.. Insecurities and conflictions.. Besides the flashbacks make it worse.. Maybe I am going crazy, maybe I am dreaming. I am scared and confused so I think my mind belie me. So what exactly are you? Show me now or just leave  like others do.

Why does it have to be so hard?
This heart is like a battlefield. 

Paradise Regained

''To my eternal breath,
I take you in whenever I breathe
You are my immortality,
I love you like the tired tides struggle to reach for the sand, I love you like the noisy winds that go through the flowers to spread out their freshness and I need you like the butterflies need their wings to fly.
You are my thirst that I could never handle with, you are the blossom of a unique Eden tree.. You are the most precious gift from God to me.. And loving you is heavenly. Whenever my darkest melancholy surrounds me I just watch the stars, because you are up over the sky like my northern star. 
Give me a place in your little world and lets intermingle for the sake of love like the rivers intermingle to the oceans. 
You are my treasure, hard to gain and easy to lose.. But I will never lose. I will lock you in my heart and wont let you go forever and ever.. 
So I will love you not for today, not for tomorrow.. You will be with soul even in the afterlife..''

One another story began like this..I am sorry that I havent been able to type.. But many things
Anyway I am sleepy as I didnt sleep for a day..
P.S this was only summary..

I fell inlove
I wish Kat was working now, Because I am supposed to copy paste some blog entries to have them here.. It was all about love ofc..

Wednesday, May 15

Alas !!!

P.S fuck you hell and back .. I hate you , because I just noticed that you removed your blog. You are so damn cruel to leave nothing behind for me..

Dare To Stay If You Have Nothing To Say

Maybe you have given up reading my blog a long time ago but you will come across some traces whenever you decide to read it back. So here I eternize, eternize everything.. Not only here, but also in my room with my own handwriting. This blog is nothing, comparing to the things I am writing in my own world. Many pages, many new fresh pages every single day and maybe you wont know, people wont know but I know.. I know by myself..

Remember the days when we were implying some stuff on our blogs? You dont even write anymore but ...
Yeah then this is for you.

Tuesday, May 14


These days I am trying to make up my mind.. Very important progress in my life and it might open up the doors of my wishes that I am trying to reach.. But I am also afraid of failing.. Besides I need to save some great amount within few days as I might not be able to take the chance because of it.. Work hard and harder. I dont have any other plan like plan B and C.. It is my fault to focus on only one thing but I need to do it, as I dont have any chance

Monday, May 13

Mummy Returns

Today I just came back to talk about few stuff..
Fist of all I need to mention that I am so damn busy these days that is why I dont have time to type even though I enjoy typing..

Life is weird, and it is hard to figure out people.. So I am always on alert to face what a man could turn out to be. All we are humans but still there lives an evil inside us that comes about at an unexpected time.

Some people play on my mind too much and I say aside that: is this the same person I met? I watch them with an open mouth, because they are full of surprises enough to let me down hundred times. Maybe I might be the fool one, giving chance and then chance and chance but nothing changes at all. For sure I am not gonna save the world, who cares?

By the way I met a sweet friend today. She is brave enough to overcome the things she was faced to. We humans get stronger after the long period of pain. Maturity comes with experiences. At least that is what I think so. Anyway she is a cool and helpful vampire and an immortal one :) I am also glad that I would guess what life would bring to me, some friends go and new ones get ready to open themself a good place.. So have a seat.

And I had my dad in my dream early in the morning.. It was very sad that I had to write a letter to my best friend. But she wasnt around so I had to throw it into the trash. I just dont wanna see it again.. I am suffering but I will find a way to survive somehow as I could succeed until today.

I remembered a sentence that dates back to my 16s, yeah almost 7 years ago..
"Dont die before I do."
I already eternized you.
Because everything written stays when the memories fade themself away by time..
A new pure morning..

Friday, May 10

Looking Through The Rough Glass

Hello, I know I havent typed for a long time but I am really busy these days as I am working.. Anyway I shared one of my records ^_^ I know it is crap but :D maybe I enjoy singing..

Monday, May 6

One Two Step

I am very sorry that I havent written for a long time since I began to work.. I am fucking tired right now and an hour pater it is my birthday :3
Yeah I am ageing..
Bye for now.

Thursday, April 25

I Miss You Dad

The saddest part is that there is no one next to me to share how I feel right now. Tears in my eyes and silent scream in my throat to gulp it down. No one, no one at all. Yeah I have many friends or family members but nobody would understand me at all.. Those friends who cry to me but whenever I need them they disappear.

I missed my dad.. There is a huge missing in my life that I could never fill since my childhood. Maybe it is his presence.. I missed him giving me the courage whenever I feel weak no matter what the matter is. 

Now I cant tell it to anyone. I cant because they will just say that "everything will be fine, dont be sad" but hell, they dont know how much it hurts.. How sorrowful I am.

I missed you dad. Whenever I drive  here to there, there to somewhere I rememember you. Whenever I play backgammon with someone I recall you taught me so and your experiences, the things you told about life, I know them by heart...

Just time doesnt let you go.
I was very mad at you, very immature and a rebel.. I could never know that we were given less time to spend.. I am regret, I am so damn regret because I decided to abandon you without even trying to listen to you just for once.. And now no one listens to me, like I did to you.. I understand you very well, I swear I understand you..

Time doesnt surround that broken heart to heal over. To cure, to compensate. It was broken enough and then shattered piece to piece.. Your funeral made my heart fall to pieces.. I lost balance, I lost my courage.. I lost my innocence.. I am so lost.. I cant find solution to my problems.. I cant share them with anyone..

I know that you would do your best to make me happier.. Because I felt them but I didnt make a sound, I knew it but I pretended.. See? How bad your daughter is.. I am so damn cruel.. I brought myself nothing but the pain at all.. Dad, I am so damned.. I am so alone.

I keep everything, your watch that you used to wear that I dont touch. You wouldnt let me play with it when I was a kid and when I became a teen you would ask me to set the time whenever it is a bit back or forward than the time of tv but this time I would refuse and ask you to do it by yourself..

I wish I could help now.. I keep your pictures that mom wanted to throw away, yeah I gathered them from all around and some of them from trash because they are now mine..

It doesnt mean mom never loved you.. Maybe she loved you the most..From time to time I recognize that she misses her lifetime partner who accompanied her while going yo to the vineyard.. She tries to take care of the only belonging you just left for us.. She made some men build a shelter on vineyard..

I screamed out when I saw the shelter because I am sure that you would get angry if you saw it because it prevents sunlight to come in but I am sure you are somehow glad that she does her best with the little money she has..

And now I cant continue, because ... Because my tears drop on the screen. I miss you dad, I really miss your presence in my life.. It has been almost 4 years. You were my wings to fly.. You were my biggest courage to lit fire.
I can feel you all around me.

Tuesday, April 23

Sky Is The Limit

Have a nice day fellas..
How are you doing?? Sorry, it is the first time I am asking it right??? I am so thoughtless but I am not self centered even though I write all about me.. Just they are my feelings that I share most of the time.

Today I am gonna rant about friendship.

First of all I have to admit that I make friends with fakers who are just some bitches and bastards indeed... I know I always complain but I have never seen such bullshit people in my life before. Yeah it is called experience but I am tired of experiencing the things with worthless people at all..

Some people dont know about appreciation. I dont expect too much but at least a little word "thank you" would be fine and kind to tell others if they do something good for you.

Some people do not even care your existence until they need in something you might provide them. Fuck this materialistic world.. Everything gains value with money in people's grace. What happened to love, respect, loyality and honesty ??  Die bitches. Nothing could worth to the simple smile of a person.. Money wouldnt buy it at all..

GET OUT right now then as I dont need such people who fake to tell me s/he misses/loves me after all not keeping in touch for a long time.. Lmfao and I still care all about those people by supposing them they are still my friends while they are not giving a shit.. Probably I showed so much care that it only flew their ass out and made them think they are something priceless..

So no mercy.. Cross the bacteria out! I cant sicken myself anymore for the sake of wicked people who act like they are my friends. Sorry but those humans even dont mean anything to me ha.. Anyway.. I have a life to carry on and no time for those.. Fuck you assholes..

Bye for now.

Monday, April 22


It was such a fucking crazy day and I enjoyed a lot.. Early in the morning I just drove to my vineyard.. Far from the madding crowd you know ;) Silence and peace and of course nature but well yeah it didnt take so long to be in peace because my sister and kids came. But never mind them. I planted some flowers and we had some kind of family breakfast ^_^ briefly it was great.. Hell I put on weight again so I need to do something.. Yeah it is because of stress definately, because I eat whatever fuck I find :DDD I will go on a strict diet obviously. In the afternoon I had to go my bro in law's office as I had some stuff to do. There is this job on my mind but hope that I am qualified enough to get it because I need it so much to save my life. Eventually I wont need to take this stupid exam if I could get that job.. Whuuu.. Wish me luck..By the way I like my bro in law's new office lol as I really enjoy there and I love the atmosphere..
You will get why I like there when I am able to add the picture soon..

And all of these.. My bro in law gave me a lift back to vineyard.My eldest sister also came. So my niece Ebrar was here too.. She is the cutest pain in the neck lmfao.. I love her so much.. That kid makes me back to life and laugh with her little heart at all..

And of course it rained. Unavoidable weather but what it causes is beautiful :) Yea it has been for a long time that I havent seen rainbow all around.
Anyway.. Now need to go..

Saturday, April 20

Tomorrow's A Mystery

Aren’t you somethin’ to admire
Sen hayran olunmayacak bir şey misin
Cause your shine is somethin’ like a mirror
Çünkü tıpkı bir ayna gibi parıldıyorsun
And I can’t help but notice
Kendime engel olamıyorum ama dikkat ediyorum
You reflect in this heart of mine
Yüreğime aksediyorsun
If you ever feel alone and
Eğer yalnız hissedersen ve
The glare makes me hard to find
Parıltın beni bulunması zor yapar
Just know that I’m always
Şunu bil ki ben her zaman
Parallel on the other side
Seninle aynı yolda olacağım
Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
Çünkü biz el eleyken ve duyguluyken
I can tell you there’s no place we couldn’t go
Sana gidemeyeceğimiz bir yer olamayacağını söylerim
Just put your hand on the past
Sadece ellerini geçmişe uzat
I’m here tryin’ to pull you through
Sana yardımcı olmaya çalışıyorum
You just gotta be strong
Yalnızca güçlü olmalısın
Cause I don’t wanna lose you now
Çünkü seni şimdi kaybetmek istemiyorum
I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me
Tam olarak diğer yarıma bakıyorum
The biggest scene is set in my heart
En büyük manzara yüreğime kurulu
There’s a space, but now you’re home
Bir boşluk var ama şimdi evindesin
Show me how to fight for now
Şu an için nasıl savaşılacağını göster bana
And I’ll tell you, baby, it was easy
Ve sana anlatacağım bebeğim, bu kopay
Comin’ back into you once I figured it out
Anladım ki sana geliyorum
You were right here all along
Sen hep buralardaydın
It’s like you’re my mirror
Aynam gibisin
My mirror staring back at me
Bana geri bakan aynam
I couldn’t get any bigger
Daha büyüğünü alamazdım
With anyone else beside me
Arkamda başka biriyle
And now it’s clear as this promise
Ve şimdi bu söz kadar temiz
That we’re making
Bu iki yansımayı
Two reflections into one
Tek yapıyoruz
Cause it’s like you’re my mirror
Çünkü aynam gibisin
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me
Bana geri bakan aynam, geri bakan aynam

Aren’t you somethin’, an original
Sen özgün değil misin
Cause it doesn’t seem really as simple
Çünkü öyle basit görünmüyorsun
And I can’t help but stare, cause
Ve sana bakmaktan kendimi alamıyorum, çünkü
I see truth somewhere in your eyes
Gözlerinde bir yerde gerçeği görüyorum
I can’t ever change without you
Sensiz değiştiremiyorum
You reflect me, I love that about you
Beni yansıtıyorsun, bunu seviyorum
And if I could, I
Ve keşke, ben
Would look at us all the time
hep bize bakabilsem
Yesterday is history
Dün mazidir
Tomorrow’s a mystery
Yarın bir gizem
I can see you lookin’ back at me
Bana geri baktığını görüyorum
Keep your eyes on me
Gözlerini üzerimde tut
Baby, keep your eyes on me
Bebeğim, gözlerini üzerimde tut
You are, you are the love of my life
Sen, sen hayatımın aşkısın
Baby, you’re the inspiration for this precious song
Bebeğim sen bu şarkı için ilham kaynağısın
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
Ve benimle olduğundan beri yüzünün ışıldamasını istiyorum
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it’s already gone
Öyleyse şimdi “eski ben”e elveda diyorum, o çoktan gitti
And I can’t wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Ve seni eve götürmeyi bekleyemiyorum, bekleyemiyorum
Just to let you know, you are
Sana sadece demek istiyorum ki sen,
Girl you’re my reflection, all I see is you
Benim yansımamsın güzelim, tek gördüğüm sensin
My reflection, in everything I do
Yansımam, yaptığım her şeyde
You’re my reflection and all I see is you
Benim yansımamsın güzelim, tek gördüğüm sensin
My reflection, in everything I do
Yansımam, yaptığım her şeyde

Wednesday, April 17

Say It Loud

Hello guys,
Omg :((((((((((((((
Why there are these people to make me hate life at all? I am really bored.. I feel I can go back to my bad times because I became wicked to break 2 friends' hearts and I feel fucking proud of it LMFAO.. I know it is not true but I am pissed off enough.

One of them just end up with telling me the dates she is involved without asking how the fuck I am... So I burst out by saying I dont really wanna listen, thanx for asking I am fine too.. She told me I am being mean and what I describe is me after all I told her she is self centered.. Lmfao, at least I say hello and ask how people are instead of ending up with spreading my negative mood. So I got angry and removed her from facebook like she deserved and yeah she was stalking at me so much these days that pissed me off as well. Please be kind at least to say "Hi, how are you?" . My God, do I expect too much  from people? :( I have friends who lack of greeting me.. Is it too much? Come on, please do say that fucking HI before telling all about your life at all..

And the other friend just remembers me whenever she doesnt have someone to go out with.. Ohh  fuck, I dont really care.. I told her I am gonna stay home today and obviously she got offended by saying " all I wanted to meet you.." yeah yeah yeah as if you care my fucking ass blehhh..


Now I understand how shit people could turn out to be..Because they are not the same people who I used to know.. So I dont give a fuck about it then.. Care the one who cares you.. Love the one who loves you. Be with the one who is with you.

Now maybe it is enough to complain ha?

Na naaa...
You dont remember me
But I will remember you.

Tuesday, April 16

All The Shit I Captured

Hello fellas..
Today I took few pictures.. Few? Maybe many lol.. So I am gonna share them

P.S.I took this freak one few nights ago though..One of my psycho gaze.. I dont know but most of the time I like bad quality pictures more hahah..
 Dude !

Pure morning
until I get up from the bed



When a girl loves ...

It is extraordinary at all

To rain or not to rain
I was about to go out early before it began to rain at all but doesnt matter I went out.

Make me immortal with a kiss [Just singing]

Calm down it is gonna be a good day.

For Coco
He liked this one more.
Such a good friend who knows me since I was 16.

Just Noticed This!!!!
Manuel, Sebastian 
For sharing my picture on homepage
of the site. Such an amazing gift.

Hey, Silly ...

headache but nothing more at all

not this time 

I know you guys love me trolling ^_^

brick here, brick there.. Brick everywhere

Here my signature is

rock this joint then
smelling like booze

Monday, April 15

Leave Me Alone

When you dont love me ...
I thought everything's getting better
For us, I even said a little bit prayer,
I have been dreaming for decades.
So I just struggled and struggled and struggled. What for? For something
Shit that I didnt deserve. I didnt at all
Tears on my face, drip drop, drip drop
Sliding silently down from my neck.
Dont you see it is happening again.
You push me out of your life slowly
I am not time's fool yet I recognize
Then why are still you haunting me?
You just killed me hundred times
And want to make sure I am dead
Get out my head and dont suffer me.
I know, you cant do that, because
I have something you want to take
But you cant take me from myself.
Nay no way, I will tear this soul out
But I will never give up on surviving.
Just get out !!!

Tell Me All The Stories

Sorry for not being able to write some stuff as I attended one of my friend's wedding for about 2 days. It wasnt such a "wowowow" celebration but well made me think how could the organization be if I was gonna marry. Some stuff made me laugh and some stuff made me a bit angry but I am glad that eventually she could marry.

OMG I am very busy that I still have 5 more wedding to join.I guess half of the population of the world will be married in this summer but I still dont have a significant other or someone to date. Probably I will be a single old lady ^_^
I think I learnt how to look like a ghost in the picts xD

My sister on the right and my niece with scarf on left
I and my sister dont look alike right?

Lmfao, we enjoyed a lot.. Even though the atmosphere was boring and it was very crowded and hot.. Never mind we found some ways to enjoy.. And sorry guys there is no pict of bride and groom because I didnt have change to take pict :D my friend was busy with guests and she danced whole through the night.

That look of are you ready to rock this wedding? 

Friday, April 12

Ego Mihimet Sum Semper Proximus

I dont want to know anyone well enough to recognize that they lie.

I am suffering because of massive headache right now but I dont really care as it doesnt give me much pain as much as people give. 

Such a good moral for me: never ever be the first one to ask a guy if he would like to date unless he asks you at all.. Well it didnt break my courage but just I wont put myself in a position of a fool next time. I am not angry, just refusals also become good experiences.. Anyway.

Ofc not like that :D

There are many things to tell indeed but few words arent enough to express what exactly this shit is.. Maybe you read my mind and agree with me.

Actually I feel damn fool but yeah this time I am the one guilty. Because I attract all of the crazy people like a magnet. I have such almighty friends lmfao. They are unique in the category of stabbing me in the back. Competition is a good thing but competing each other to give me harm? Naaa kids, it is not good. I cannot wait for the one who is gonna be the next.

These days I am thinking about dyeing my hair :) some fair strings or auburn? I dont know. All I know is that I dont look as old as I am so I need to do something about it. Because I am tired of some people's think that I am around 17s. Gosh..

Life is fucking but anyway..

5 words
Fuck, fucked, fucking, fucken, fuckers
Yeah that is me.

Wednesday, April 10

It Is About Time To Leave

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied? Christ !!!
Tourniquet, my suicide.

Tuesday, April 9

It Feels Like The End

Yeah, this time it is all fucked up. I am tired, really tired.. It crossed the line.. Fuck that damn shit, same thing again and again.. Fuck my trust issues.. Fuck everyone.. Fuck this  system top to bottom.. Yeah put the blame on me while the real fuckers are all around.. Fuck you old creepy men.. What the hell do you want from girls around 20s while you are at the age of my dad ha? You womanizer mother fucker pedophiles, hungry wolves.. Hope all of you die, hope all of you get raped you damn bullshits.. Hope you dont ever exist because you dont deserve any place here on earth.. Fuck this world as well.. Because there is no one nice, everyone is seeking for their own benefits.. Liars, fakers, pedophiles, racists... Fuck all of you...

The more I witness that shit the less I want to live at all.. So God, either take me or just give these idiots some brain.. Well my first wish is more logical so hope I die early before being witness to people's shit more..
Fuck all of you stupids
Fuck all of you bastards
Fuck all of you sons of bitches

Sunday, April 7

Connotation Of Assumption ♥

 Which is worse, failing or not trying? 

Now I am pretty sure that you are part of me. Because stars whispered every night in my ears that I am your destiny and it became a matter between us.. You are promised gift to me and I am still struggling to crush your stone heart. Because it is mine, it will always be mine. So I will run like tides, come and go, go and come until I break that stone by the seaside. I wont get tired, I wont get bored, I wont give up.

 Which is worse, when a good friend moves away or when you lose the touch with a good friend who lives right near you? 

You are the one I have always wanted, your warmth, your breath, your eyes, your smile, your everything. You kill the devil in me and make me a good person when I am about to set a huge fire. Maybe I am helpless, I cant think no more because it is like the best dream whenever I have few seconds with you but you dont recognize, it really doesnt matter because you will already be in my arms when you completely recognize :)

 Which is worse, putting trust on everything or not being able to trust anyone? 

I sometimes hate you because I just suffer, as you have the biggest pride but mostly I love you and I admit then remind it to myself... I tried so hard not to fall for you because I knew the consequences but that is a heart matter, I cant help, it wouldnt listen to me and I dont expect anything at all. I can live, I can breathe as long as I feel your presence, it is the only thing I need.

 Which is worse, not being loved or not being trusted by someone who do you care? 

And whenever your soft stare comes, it stays here for a long time, I love that feeling. I am me, a better person. It hurts me if you are hurt and I know people hurt you constantly without thinking you have a heart.So should I be sad or happy because whenever you are hurt, you just remember me.. I dont know if you consider me the sibling of pain but I am everything what you see and I am nothing when you dont see..

Which is worse, just being quiet or being argumentative all the time?

I know you love me too but you always deny, because you are scared and your pride just takes all over you. It is when you become a painful knot in my throat. A sudden scream wants to come out with my sincere tears that washes my face away " I LOVE YOU HELL AND BACK " but it only turns into voiceless whisper when it reaches my lips from my heart. I am more afraid because I lose you in your own depth whenever I am nailing to find you.

 Which is worse, living a lie or being an outcast? 

I swear to God, you love me. You really love me. And you lie to me, you lie to yourself, you lie..You deny us. The uttered sentences dont matter as I believe what I am made to feel. So you love me to death that is how I feel, that is how you make me feel. I know we are like the forbidden fruits to each other because you are there far away, I cant reach, I cant hold, I cant breathe you in me. But this soul still mourns over you, still desires you, still screams out your name. But I cant tell it loud as you stamp my lips everytime. Then you are my biggest silence and my name is on your tongue tip, I swear I know. We hold on to the sweet memories, You cry at nights without me and deep inside, you bury yourself into your own core slowly and I feel like I hear you whenever your precious tears run like river.. They run into me and intermingle with my soul. My lips tremble and push me to say " I love you so hard " but whenever I intend, my tongue gets numb behind my lips.. Because I dont know, maybe I am waiting for the right time. Maybe you are right, I am too coward.

 Which is worse, to be hated or to be forgotten? 

Then someday if you need to pick one of these, to hate or to forget, just hate me as much as you can but please dont ever forget, just keep me somewhere in your heart even if you might give me the little place over there. Because there is nothing would hurt and then kill me but this forgetting matter. Feel me in every breath you take in, I will be watching over you from far and I promise you that no matter whatever happens I will never ever get over you..

And here you touch my weekest spot again whenever I feel stone cold. I cant cool this heart off as long as you dont set me free.. I sobbed again in my bed, I never wished so much like that to die. My existence light got so dim and there was no one with me except my love and my ocean tears.. I dont wanna fight over the simple things so I hold myself back.. Forgive me!!
Just know that ....
Ich kann nicht ohne dich leben :'(
Love you ♥

No, You Love Me But I Mean Nothing At All To You

Agora Meyhanesi

Sana bu satırları
Bir sonbahar gecesinin
Felç olmuş köşesinden yazıyorum.
Beşyüz mumluk ampullerin karanlığında
Saatlerdir, boşalan kadehlere
Şarkılarını dolduruyorum,
Tabağımdaki her zeytin tanesine
Simsiyah bakışlarını koyuyorum*
Ve, kaldırıp kadehimi
Bu rezilcesine yaşamların şerefine içiyorum:
Burası Agora Meyhanesi
Burda yaşar aşkların en madarası
Ve en şahanesi
Burda saçların her teline
Bir galon içilir
Sen, bu sekiz köşeli meyhaneyi bilmezsin
Bu sekiz köşeli meyhane seni bilir.
Burası Agora Meyhanesi
Burası arzularını yitirmiş insanların dünyası.
Şimdi içimde sokak fenerlerinin yalnızlığı
Boşalan ellerimde
Kahreden bir hafiflik.
Bu akşam
Umutlarımı meze yapıp içiyorsam
Elimde değil.
Bu da bir nevi namuslu serserilik.
Dışarıda hafiften bir yağmur var
Bu gece benim gecem
Kadehlerde alaim-i semaların raksettiği,
Gönlümde bütün dertlerin
Hora teptiği gece bu
Camlara vuran her damlada
Seni hatırlıyorum
Ve sana susuzluğumu...
Birazdan plaklarda şarkılar susar,
Kadehler boşalır,
Umutlar tükenir
Mezeler biter
Biraz sonra
Bir mavi ay doğar tepelerden
Bu sarhoş şehrin üstüne,
Birazdan bu yağmur da diner.
Sen bakma benim böyle delice efkarlandığıma,
Mendilimdeki o kızıl lekeye de boşver
Yarın gelir çamaşırcı kadın
Herşeyden habersiz onu da yıkar;
Sen mes'ut ol yeter ki
Ben olmasam ne çıkar.
Dedim ya:
Burası Agora Meyhanesi
Bir tek iyiliğin tüm kötülüklere
Meydan okuduğu yer
Burası Agora Meyhanesi,
Burası kan tüküren
Mes'ut insanların dünyası... 

Wednesday, April 3

I Am So Done , Fuck You

Hello again...
I am pissed off so much, maybe I am fucking done this time.. I am so done.
One of that moment when I totally hate damn people and myself.. So I am writing these to screw and swear at you some mother fuckers who try to be in my life..

Why am I fucking always on procrastination? 

Damn bitches.. Fuck you as you get benefit from me for only whenever you need me at all.. Yeah, your little asshole son needed an narration for his English project homework so I was the one who came to your mind first right? Where the fuck have you been for a long time whenever I needed one of my cousin to talk? Or have you ever called me to keep in touch? No, people are so damn for good days only. They are always with me whenever I am glad but whenever I need someone to cry they just get lost. Bitch I dont need you then, go to the hell and suck my balls.

Here is one another asshole sucker bitch who just says me "hello" whenever she has some stories to tell.. Yeah ofc she picks me because nobody can bear your fucking damn spoiled ass right? You dont even ask how I am but just end up with telling all of the stuff about you.. I have never seen such a selfish, self centered  whore like you indeed.. Yeah I tell these here because if I told all of these to you then you would be more fucking than a shattered mirror, you pathetic fragile.

There is this another friend that I am ashamed to call her "my friend".. Fuck you and your constant lies at all as you benefit from me and take all the advantages because I am known on some sites.. Go die away from me. And another guy whom I used to like.. You also try to get the benefit at all..Yeah I might act the fool but I am never.. Fuck you top to bottom, earth to space.. How idiot you guys are.. You cant let me down at all, I dont need you and your lies to keep me busy all around as I am not a kid.

Why? Why me?

Mother fucking asshole sucking retards. So fuck the hell off, I dont even want your presence from 1km away.. Fuck you cunts and dickheaded pigs.. You are a birth error.. You are the biggest mistake.. Fuck your genes and chromosomes. Pity the mother to have a shit like you. I am sure she wouldnt give birth if she knew what you are gonna turn into..

I am fucking done, that is enough.. Thanx for teaching me again that;

Trust no one...

Monday, April 1

For God's Sake

Hello today is April 1st
So April Fools, I dont know who the hell found it but I had the worst joke of my life today.. My ears omg, I cannot even hold my head stable so I am gonna sleep soon as I cannot bear this bullshit pain but glad that I got rid of stupid pranks.. It doesnt worth though.. Health is the most blessed gift that we are given.. I get it these days as this is the 4th time I went to see a doctor less than a week.. Besides I will see him again on thursday :/ hope that it will be the last time I see him.. Anyway my head is banging right now.. Triple massive headaches from each sides are making me feel like fainting all over here.. So have a good time and prank behalf of me as I dont have any power to laugh or play trick on someone due to the pain.
Bye Bye