Actually I feel lucky being able to write these as I could never be alive anymore.
I have heating system and a heater in my room that I warned mom not to come in my room while I am sleeping to play with them as much as she wants, because she turns the heater on or off according to the temperature of my room but it only wakes me up at all. I get angry this time..
Today she came in my room around 5am and turned on the heater while I was sleeping.. So it kept heating while there was a plastic chair infront of it that she never recognized. It kept heating the chair and the chair began to melt down by giving off carbon dioxide, in the end my room filled with poisoning gas that they didnt recognize the scent and I was still sleeping.. An hour later mom recognized something is burning but she didnt think it was coming from my room. So she checked the rooms except mine. Chair was already melted down when she came in my room and of course smoke accumulation made her lose her mind by thinking I died cuz of gas poisoning.. She called my name many times but I never heard.. So she came closer and pulled me out of my bed which made me open my eyes by feeling scared of. I was very sleepy and powerless that I didnt recognize what is happening in my room but I saw the chair burnt down. She cried, she got worried too much that I couldnt keep being awake by thinking it is the symptoms of poisoning.. So she took my balcony to get fresh air and I had to drink milk with the force of her.. Omg it is disgusting.. Besides I didnt recognize the scent until I am taken out of my room, I was just having my dad in my dream that I didnt wake up. After all of these I slept in mom's bed although mom tried to keep me awake until she is convinced that I am alright. Such a terrible accident that I could burn down in my room if it set fire.. Omg I dont even want to think about it.. Dont worry guys I am safe now..
Sunday, February 3
The last time I saw your face seemed like yesterday to me. I suffer because I miss you. Yeah I miss you every single fucking day and you will never know. You will never know how much I feel and love you but you will never get it on your own way. I keep your name deep inside of my heart, because I am scared and terrified, not scared of anyone but just scared of you at all.. I have no fears, you know that.. Just, if I said it loud, you would go away. I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss your scent even if I never felt, I miss your everything.. I was wishing that each passing day just removes the traces of you that makes me feel I am totally taking you out of my life and burrying you where you belong to, because I know it is impossible to have you, impossible because you could never belong to me and I just knew it but still ... I try hard, I try to distract myself but no, I dont have salvation, you are just killing me. How could I burn paradise and replace my whole world with you. You are my voice that I hear inside of me, you are the breath I take every second and you are in my dreams that I have every night. So how can I get rid of you? You are the biggest spell on me and you will never know because you will see,you will feel deep in you but I wont open my mouth to tell... I cant sacrifice, I am scared to death, I cant open my mouth that you stamped by your force but I will live till the end without you knowing that I will be loving you somehow, somewhere far away..