Complicated

I know there's no one next to me
I'm staring trough tears at my heart
I keep my own thoughts deep in me
Vivid my certain stucked in past
There are no memories to hold on
You are watching me fall on my own

Why?

My God,
Why not me but my cousin??
2 Deaths in 14days..
And why do such good people die?
They never deserved that sudden.
It shouldnt be like that, no way.
They were too young :'(
Like newly blossoms of a tree.
Then they fell under the ground.
They just slip over the sky one by one
Like shooting stars, I hate it.
Many people love watching stars
But I hate shooting stars..
It reminds me of my ex bf.
He once told me he hates them.
I asked "why? It is amazing"
He told, he was watching
the sky from the balcony at night.
Suddenly he saw a shooting star
and felt crushed as if something very
bad happened.. Yeah the next day his
father was killed in a conflict. He was a
brave person and a good soldier.
Shooting stars remind me of my dad too.
When I was a little kid we used to stay
in our vineyard. I was watching the sky
with my dad and suddenly I saw
a shooting star, it was very close that
I thought a real star fell under a tree.
It was dark and I was very scared to
go there alone,but I still persisted my
dad by saying "dad, there is a shooting
star under that tree, lets go and I wanna
take it." I never desired to have
something that much, besides I was
excited.. He knew it, he knew how
innocent my thoughts were, so he held
my hand and didnt say anything
to break my dreams but took me to
the tree, I was naive, I was fool but
I was a kid who is not aware of it.
I sought for the star but I couldnt find
I got sad and he noticed it so he
told me these: "the shooting star
flew over the sky again, it never fell
because it would be broken if it hit
the ground and you wouldnt want it
right?"... I nodded and I was not sad
at least..
I left that fool kid under the tree..
Because I am at an age to be aware of
everything, everything around..
Maybe for 4 years I hate
shooting stars too, hah they are not
amazing as they seem. They just
remind me of the worst memories.
They are nothing but shit at all..

Now
How much can I take of this?
How long can I live with this?
People think that I am very brave
But me?? Noo, I am surrounded by
the power of the cowardice..
NO SHOOTING STARS
No, No, NOOOOOOOOOO
NEVER EVER AGAIN !!!!
Because ...
I am scared to face with the reality.