Thursday, April 25

I Miss You Dad

The saddest part is that there is no one next to me to share how I feel right now. Tears in my eyes and silent scream in my throat to gulp it down. No one, no one at all. Yeah I have many friends or family members but nobody would understand me at all.. Those friends who cry to me but whenever I need them they disappear.

I missed my dad.. There is a huge missing in my life that I could never fill since my childhood. Maybe it is his presence.. I missed him giving me the courage whenever I feel weak no matter what the matter is. 

Now I cant tell it to anyone. I cant because they will just say that "everything will be fine, dont be sad" but hell, they dont know how much it hurts.. How sorrowful I am.

I missed you dad. Whenever I drive  here to there, there to somewhere I rememember you. Whenever I play backgammon with someone I recall you taught me so and your experiences, the things you told about life, I know them by heart...

Just time doesnt let you go.
I was very mad at you, very immature and a rebel.. I could never know that we were given less time to spend.. I am regret, I am so damn regret because I decided to abandon you without even trying to listen to you just for once.. And now no one listens to me, like I did to you.. I understand you very well, I swear I understand you..

Time doesnt surround that broken heart to heal over. To cure, to compensate. It was broken enough and then shattered piece to piece.. Your funeral made my heart fall to pieces.. I lost balance, I lost my courage.. I lost my innocence.. I am so lost.. I cant find solution to my problems.. I cant share them with anyone..

I know that you would do your best to make me happier.. Because I felt them but I didnt make a sound, I knew it but I pretended.. See? How bad your daughter is.. I am so damn cruel.. I brought myself nothing but the pain at all.. Dad, I am so damned.. I am so alone.

I keep everything, your watch that you used to wear that I dont touch. You wouldnt let me play with it when I was a kid and when I became a teen you would ask me to set the time whenever it is a bit back or forward than the time of tv but this time I would refuse and ask you to do it by yourself..

I wish I could help now.. I keep your pictures that mom wanted to throw away, yeah I gathered them from all around and some of them from trash because they are now mine..

It doesnt mean mom never loved you.. Maybe she loved you the most..From time to time I recognize that she misses her lifetime partner who accompanied her while going yo to the vineyard.. She tries to take care of the only belonging you just left for us.. She made some men build a shelter on vineyard..

I screamed out when I saw the shelter because I am sure that you would get angry if you saw it because it prevents sunlight to come in but I am sure you are somehow glad that she does her best with the little money she has..

And now I cant continue, because ... Because my tears drop on the screen. I miss you dad, I really miss your presence in my life.. It has been almost 4 years. You were my wings to fly.. You were my biggest courage to lit fire.
I can feel you all around me.