Sunday, March 10

The Tale Of Two Cities

First you dont know how to begin to a letter and when you reach to the end you can not know how to end it.. It is like all about us.. I dont know what is going on but familiar people are getting stranger to me by time. Probably I am boring and too simple that is why they run away or maybe am I annoying ha? I cant understand if I just deserve it or not. I am questioning. I am just thinking if I do something wrong but I cant find the gate in this labyrinth and then walls are rising up to drown me more.So should I run away too?
Till when? How long? and Till where? Wont this nightmare capture me again? Please wake me up.. Just wake me up.

Take me away

I really feel so weird these days.Sudden mood change and I swear that i really dont know how I am gonna fix the things I have been constantly breaking.. I am worried, terribly worried because I am scared of being lost.. I am on the edge and nobody recognizes.. I am slowly fading away and I erase the trace behind my back so that there is nothing left because I dont want to put pain nor sorrow but I really sense that the irresistible end is coming closer..I wanna be a permanent smile on people's face at all, there is nothing more important than this. Because when you leave this earth, you take everything about love with you..

That is why I put care and love on people as much as I can because I feel that someday people will not feel me eternal.. I have such a weak point that I can never get mad at any person for a long time even if I tell them that I will not talk to them anymore..Anyway

I just wonder how does it feel to be forgotten.
It would give me less pain instead of staying as a heart breaker. I dont want to set anyone on fire. I just hate myself because of having that much confliction.Would it really worth?
So why I am struggling for?? Damn I am so confused, my heart and my mind hits each other like two enemies..

Time, time and time... Please dont stab me anymore as I am really drowned in my complicated thoughts.. I am scared, more scared than I seem to be..

I Find No Peace

[This poem by Thomas Wyatt summarizes the best what is happening to me these days]

I find no peace, and all my war is done.
I fear and hope. I burn and freeze like ice.
I fly above the wind, yet can I not arise;
And nought I have, and all the world I season.
That loseth nor locketh holdeth me in prison
And holdeth me not—yet can I scape no wise—
Nor letteth me live nor die at my device,
And yet of death it giveth me occasion.
Without eyen I see, and without tongue I plain.
I desire to perish, and yet I ask health.
I love another, and thus I hate myself.
I feed me in sorrow and laugh in all my pain;
Likewise displeaseth me both life and death,
And my delight is causer of this strife.

Make A Sound

:/ :( :C
There are some voices in my head that I can not get rid of and they are killing me inside slowly.. Whenever i remember I just want to be alone, maybe it is not easy to forget and forgive as it seems.. Those voices just sicken my soul and I cant tell it to any close person, nobody asks either.. I think I withdraw back into my shield again, quiet and calm like the patients who impatiently long for the silence of the death..

Ne hasta bekler sabahı,
[Neither a patient would wait the morning]
Ne taze ölüyü mezar.
[Nor a grave would wait the fresh dead]
Ne şeytan,bir günahı,
[Nor a devil would wait for the sin]
Seni beklediğim kadar.
[As much as I waited for you]

Geçti istemem gelmeni,
[Too late, I dont want you to come]
Yokluğunda buldum seni;
[As I found you in your nought]
Bırak vehmimde gölgeni,
[Leave your shadow in my dream]
Gelme,artık neye yarar.
[Dont come, there is no use anymore]