Monday, February 25

Shocky Mocky Sucky Monday

It was a good start for a day but well it didnt last that long.. I had my 8th suitor for arranged marriage which pissed me off..The same woman, although we refused, she came again.. I dont even know her but I guess she liked me and she will be persistent.. I am expecting her 3rd time too.. The thing I got angry was my granny.. She was in bedroom and she shouted my name on purpose so that suitor's mom hears and learns.. I try to hide my identity and features so that the news isnt spreaded out. I wanna mention my granny first.. She is around 82 years old and she talks too much, she talks even much more than me :D and she tells everything to everyone that I really hate.. Oh come on woman, please keep our secrets a little bit inside so that people do not involve in nor use them against us. I believe in evil eye, so whenever granny praises me or my good features to others, I quickly get sick or something bad happens.. I am easily and quickly get influenced by the evilish powers.. I know that you might not believe such a thing but for sure something goes wrong at a time when I am praised.. Actually I dont have anything to be praised as well LOL but even the day whenever I do my hair something good or wear make up becomes a good subject for my granny to press the buttons of her mobile and call someone random to tell what did I exactly do.. FFFF it is very depressing to have such a granny indeed..Besides, she is very curious, she tries to invole in everything and wants everyone to do whatever she wants.. If you dont do what she exactly wants she tells it hundred times until you freak out to do that thing to shut her up. She is a selfish person, she always likes whoever religious but she doesnt recognizes if that religious person has a good or bad personality..My mom says she is old and naive but fuck thay shit my granny is not naive, she is fucking aware of everything, even she has a better memory than me..She calls me "princess" at home and I swear I really hate to be called princess..Mostly I dont respond her if she calls me like that so she leads a monologue in a volume as if we both are having dialogue, she tells the things loud if she wants me to hear and persists to freak me out..
[Omfg sorry for the rant but I swear I am very full so I need to pour it out..Btw she is my mom's mom.. My dad's mom passed away a year after my dad's death..]
Anyway, she can hardly walk because of her legs and it is normal.. Yeah we mostly turkish people are not able to walk properly approximately after our 60s.
I think this post explains everything,
Just a second as I will upload soon

Yeah Loading .......

LOL whenever I read I feel like laughing.. Indeed I am not such a bad person to swear nor treat bad to old people but grrrr my granny freaks me out at all..
Hope that she moves to my aunt soon.. Because she has been here for a month and she will stay few months too..

Yeah I forgot to mention Turkish customs.. We Turks have strong family ties, we are supposed to be respectful our elderly people and need to take care of them ... Especially a child is raised to take care of their parents when they get older which is both good and bad.. You can guess why.. So it is not ethic to leave your parents to a nursing house, but for me it is ridiculous because children do not have to take care of their parents.. I wouldnt mind to be left in a nursing house when I get older.. I dont know, I dont need anyone indeed..
Anyway, bye for now

I Can't Breathe Easy

Ohh please dont frown, I know I havent been able to write for few days.. I didnt feel like to because of many sad things..
I just remembered a song that I used to listen when I was 15.

Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye
Watching him hold what used to be mine
I cant breathe easy
Cant sleep at night
Till you are by my side

I cant breathe easy
I cant dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There is no air

Curse me inside
For every word I caused you to cry
Curse me inside
I wont forget , no baby
I dont know why
I left the one I was looking to find
Ohhh why, ohhh whyyy???

Well I am just feeling disappointed and sad.. I just watcing people how they break and hurt me.. It was once them who asked me tobe in their lives and now I am thrown away as if an used tissue..

People who are kind turned so rude
People who are familiar became so strangers.

It is better to apologize and then leave them alone then because anger, selfishness, their benefits just erase the good deeds and the struggle I show them. However they judge me with little mistakes while their faults are as big as the world. I keep a blind eye so that we can fix the things but no, they just torture me with every single stuff by forgetting that I effort and they should forgive me for the sake of me for once...
But nooo, that is my fate to bear such pain.. However I learn, I learn how to give up, I learn not to give much of myself who doesnt deserve.. I know someday I will cool off too.. Like the stupid people all around me and at that time you will miss the precious things what you are given.. 
It will be too late.. 

Thoughts will be replaced by repentance ...
Requiem will not work to resurrect me ...
I will be the sorrowful knot in your throat.