It's Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies

Goodevening
Actually I dont know how I am feeling right now.. Just drowned in my thoughts and someone needs to take me out of my mind for a little while. I cant find peace.. I cannot get the taste of anything.. The rooms are getting smaller, my bed is getting colder, everything familiar to me becomes stranger.. Yeah I lost my life appetite.. I pretend to laugh and enjoy my life as much as I can but then suddenly my throat is knotted and I have a silent scream deep inside that want to come out.. As if I am paying all of these, as if everything is my fault.. As if I am the one who is supposed to be executed.. Cheerful moments and my youth are gone by replacing themself with such a sulking and disappointed face and a broken heart with hatred. So why? Everything is in vain? Have I wasted myself that much? You never got me, you never wanted to understand.. Or you did but you pretended.. Yeah you made a joke, our lives' best joke, it was the funniest one but I cannot laugh at it.. I can never laugh nor smile. Because you took them all away with you.. And there is nothing left for me.. Now I am such a bad timing girl.. I cant smile on time, I cant cry whenever I want.. You ruined my perfect balance.. I dont know if it was your secret mission or on purpose.. I never wanna know, because you pomped my kind heart with grief, sorrow and hate. But you will never hear me say I hate you, nor see me cry. Those planted hatred will poison and kill only me. Not you. So even if I live then whatever doesnt kill me will come back to me as strength.. Strength to beat you down.. After all i killed you in my mind hundred times, what is the use of heart? Nothing can save you, nothing..
But some broken pieces stabbed and they keep me bleeding constantly.. I wont forget, I wont forgive.. Sometimes those wounds dont heal over no matter how much time I spend on it..They also pretend, they also pretend to be healed over at all hah.. Some permanent scars I cannot get rid of, soul to heart, feet to head that I am struggling.. But I promise that you will never see my fall...