True Lovers Are Always Protected

It felt like the greatest rain after a huge storm. Warm and peaceful. I just waited to rain over me because I love that feeling. It is like purification, how blessing how holy it is because it rests my each pieces. I thought I was really lost this time in the storm, i was dragged here and there, my mind was damaged and my hands got hurt to help me to stand up, because I fell many times.. I began to feel scared because no one to help me to reach for the sun shine.. Wild leaves of the trees just covered it and I cant see the sun yet but I feel it..Because it was going to rise somewhow. Something I really forgot to do for a while. "Watching over the sky" .. Billions of stars, sparkling, fading, shooting.. I couldnt know which one to trust and such a grief covered my soul too and a bit anxiety. Maybe I lost my hope and it worried me, faith loss led me have the thought of "What if I could never be back home again??" .. I trembled for a while and sat on a rock to think over everything.. Something evil whispered in my ear "You keep losing your way"..I looked on to the ground and tried to trace my footsteps so that I get the mysterious hints to go back to the spot I started but NOOOOO, the rain washed and the wind swept them away.. I was helpless and felt like a kid who lost her best toy, so my lower lip curved down and I was drowned in my tears at all..But I only made a wish..The unconscious wish that is poured out of my lips to the air "Please God, show me the path I need to follow because I am all lost in this wild forest" and I thought that nobody heard at all.. So I begged for the little sign and repeated my words over and over because i felt that dark sky was falling over me to swallow me.. And the evilish sound in my ears again "you wont be able to survive, you are doomed to death in your fears"... I looked around but there was no one.. I was still struggling, therefore I closed my eyes and wished strongly deep from the heart.. Maybe God heard me this time and sent me sign up over the sky.. "Meine Morgen Stern" sparkled so bright to show me where I am, at that night..

[I get my inspire from the northern sky..]


Bibliography:

1. Northern lights that are desired- Bernardo Fartingale, tk 25, 12p
2. Northern star- Emily Hedgetallis, fn 19, 94p
3. Morning star [german edition/ morgen stern]- Katherine Jèlovski cr/dn 19, 90p
4. Introduction to metaphors ♥
5. How to kick bitches- Hopen Darkenson
6. Le meilleurs amis- B.K Martinez, earth edition 365p

Cover Of The Book

Sometimes cover of the books might not give us the exact information about the content form and structure. We might be captivated by a random book that has an improper cover whereas some of the covers could be telling the best sparkling and striking sentece of a boring simple book.. The all I wanted to mean is covers sometimes lie..
Humans are like that as well.. We only see them from the surface but we would never know what is inside early before reading them... I try not to generalize nor judge but even I am one of those stupids who is fooled by what I see on the cover but not reading.. But there are also some people I regret to read because they ruin my psychology with their never ending rising and falling action that is rich in many foil characters and an only protagonist.. So I begin to think if it was worth to spend my time on that person. However my curiousity and good intentions can never be restrained.. I wanna read everyone to categorize and find a best place to keep on my shelf...

Wonder What's Wrong With Me

Maybe a good song to listen to 

I am gonna let it go.

She Never Was And Never Will Be

The sky is crying now,
maybe it feels me better than i do..
It feels how upset and lonely I am..
Streets are empty
there is still time for sunrise..
I dont wanna sun shine,
please dont shine over my dreams
those dreams I make hard with my nails
because they quickly fade away
and every single day just takes you away.
Time is running out
I recognize but I am helpless
I dont wanna be stranger to the face once I am familiar with..
I just break, I just hurt
I just watch in silence
I dont wanna seek,
I dont wanna struggle for the new comers..
I am peaceful with the olds..
Because I can  never replace
And It hurts my heart,
You dont recognize
it worries me and you dont even feel..
I wish I could be that cold feelingless steel..
So that I could pack and go far away
Without ties, without mercy, without pity
But no, I am stuck over here by myself
that is the worst enemy to me
And I have no power nor remedy
I cannot save my soul
From the hands of bad fortune
Because i was an easy prey
I dont wanna lose it all
Not having is better than losing
As I came this far by chance
I realize that double taken what is given
It is nothing but gambling
And I know that feeling
It is beyond everything
If I am never needed then
I could be more than nothing

R.I.P

I woke up from a deep evilish nightmare, trembling and terrible headache. I can swear that I dont feel my head but I cannot continue to sleep either.. I dont remember those nightmares though but I got scared very much and feeling like crying as one of them broke my heart too bad..
I named the dream "Call of the wild". Because it was very sorrowful in a way and gave me sad but good moral about life.
In my dream I was appointed south east borders of Turkey as an English teacher during war time, I was young around my 18s and I was trying to find a place for myself.. There were Armenian and Kurdish armies walking around the streets and kill or beat whoever they want.. I thought for a while that where the hell I am now? But yeah "hell"  term was exactly good for definition.. Everywhere was red and sparkling, because of blood and flames people were rebellious to set fire, break windows of the homes..And jets and bombs and gunshots.. It was such an undeveloped city that their roads were not even well constructed. Eventually I could reach to the school safe and sound where I am gonna teach but it wasnt even a school but it was like a half collapsed dormitory for old people who need care, such as nursing house. I said: Am i going to teach here? But but ... The principle of the shool didnt even say a single word but pet my shoulder friendly and showed me my room where I am going to stay at school. It was a small room in wreckage at the top of building, paint of the room walls was cracked and fell on the floor, a broken tap that is dripping water constantly, some of the windows were shattered. I said: "Beyza, such a hard life and struggle are waiting for you right over here. It is better you ready yourself and do not expect too much." I thanked the principle but he smashed the door behind him without saying a word.. So I was going to stay here and duty as well at nights to protect school from invader soldiers, rebels and thieves. I was very tired so I lay down on a rusty and smelly bed and fell asleep. The next morning I went downstairs to see my classroom.. I checked many rooms but there were no students except few broken desks... I went in one of them and said "Hello,is there anyone?"
just my voice echoed and after a while I heard chair scratch.. Someone was standing on a desk and buried in books just raised her head and told me: "Are you the new english teacher?" I said: "Yes, my child and I cannot find my class".. That child word made me feel a bit weird and old later but well, the girl jumped out of her desk and ran towards me by singing a childish melody, so I noticed how young she is. Maybe around her 5 and wearing white uniform shirt, dark long haired but a cute little girl who was only my leg length. She held my hand to bring me to the class and disappeared.. I stood still at the door for a while and planned how to spend my first english class then I took a deep breath and went in.. The overall scene of the classroom was heart tearing. Many many poor and filthy students, [I dont scorn anyone by telling these words] some of them were injured, some of them were bruised.. they were only 4 or 5.. So little but all of them came to learn any single thing from me.. They were not like little children but mature adults because they were very conscious of the situation we were in.I kneeled down beside a child and asked some questions and a little boy from the back row just raised and said those by looking into my questioning eyes as if trying to explain: "War, teacher.. It is all because of war. My mom died because of starvation and my dad was killed by Armenian soldiers".. Another child stood up and began to talk as well:" We have no food at home, my mom is cooking the stones that are breakable by teeth --.".. Another one interrupted by saying:" do you see this bandage? A kurdish soldier broke my arm early today while I was on my way to school by saying I dont need education because I will not live longer but he will kill me"..I hugged the little boy.My throat knotted and my tears began to drip...I could only say that: "my child, everything will be alright, everything"... Even this sentence was not enough convincing for me to believe, so how would a child believe in my fake words but I couldnt help shedding tears because my heart was thorn apart in sorrow by the things those little children told, what was their fault?? They were nothing evil but innocent little kids who are the victims of war. So I devoted myself to teach them not only english but about life.. I also helped them as much as I can by spending my whole salary.. At the end of the year they became very brilliant students besides we really loved mutually, they were thirsty for learning so I had to learn more than they do to transfer them..Following day during class the door was smashed, few soldiers went in and fired their guns.. I cried out so loud: "Noooooooo"... They shot all of my students :'( I ran from one to another but all of them, yeah all of them were killed.. Then I recognized someone familiar among the soldiers... The shool principle.. He was one of them.. He was one of those tyrant blood shedding soldiers.. I was handcuffed and he said: "Miss K. You are under arrest for high treason"... Then I woke up.. I was very influenced because It was very sad dream that still makes me feel like crying while I am writing these right now...

REST IN PEACE brave, immortal, world soldiers and martyrs..

I Wont Go Bed Without You

Hi again,
I am feeling better, thanx God but I feel weak and writing these under my blanket because I am freezing and little bit dizzy.. Anyway.
Do you know what? People live with their dreams. If they didnt have any then they would never be able to survive. Dreaming is the leading factor to struggle against the things we face at all.. The desire of reaching for the things we wish to have just makes us logically and emotionally be funtional.. By means of it we hold on to life more tight than usual.
So keep dreaming and believing in your dreams guys.
I swear now I am done and gone :DDDDD

Kiss Of Death

I guess I was poisoned by my medicine because I threw up few hours :( Now I feel cold, very cold.. From bone to flesh.. Omg hope I dont die because I have many things to do. Massive headache and feeling dizzy. Sorry..
Night Night.

Fortune's Play

In the morning I was just telling some verses while I was sleeping then I got up from my warm bed and wrote those lines:

Written all of the dialogues of our play
It is time to perform our roles in best way
We can never have free will of us again
As we are the only players, hard and plain
My tongue rolls behind my lips for you
Your eyes are gazing at me like my foe
But none of us dares to tell the truth
Take the first step if the heart was smooth
Alas, those lines dont let us to be reunited
I can never reach the soul that's desired
Just lies covered our stage like dark clouds
I wait for the rain to wash away our flaws
You said: "A match to lit to see our world"
Mine was: "Pity,cant see,yet I am doomed"
Then cruel silence sent its freezing winds
Whatever I do, I cannot purge those sins
My body suffers in sorrow as a caged deer
I hear your sweet voice echoing in my ear
For I am lost in my own deep anxieties
You shatter my honour into little pieces
The more I want to touch the more you flee
Your heart feels,but eyes dont want to see
So we keep acting for we have no chance
As we'll never sense each other's presence
Eye to eye, soul to soul, heart to heart
Yet fortune's sake we are fallen apart.

A Hole Inside My Heart

Goodnight..
It is around 12:30am right now but I feel as if it is 5pm.. Time is always quick whenever I am glad, whenever I dont want to waste.. And it is very slow whenever I get bored. I dont know what to do but for sure I dont wanna be dissolved like sugar in water again because I will get hurt first and then hurt.. You can never know how evil I am if I want because I am cursed and tended...But obviously running away is always the best solution in some circumstances.. Running away from myself and be lost again before no one recognizes my absence..
Night covers everything that has to be hidden with its darkness, everything sleeps except thoughts and nightmares. Even nightmares get wilder and wilder, more tyrant to torture my soul as if I am paying for the cheer I have whole day long. But night also brings grief and the pieces of the evil. At that time I only wish one thing: Wake me up, wake me up to the pure daylight but I get worried again, what if I get blinded? What if I cant see and live? Then the breath I take ... it will be burden for me more than usual. So stamp my mouth with your virtues and leave me alone there with my own solitude..

You Bring Me Back To Silence

I wanna know who you are
I wanna know what is on your mind
I wanna know when to end
I wanna know what do you exactly want
I wanna know what this means
I wanna know where to start
I wanna know what makes you smile
I wanna know how you feel
I wanna know this
I wanna know that
I wanna know these
I wanna know everything
Just everything...

Miss Mess xD

Sorry for ignoring you for about few days but well sometimes I think that it is nice to be disorganized :D because we are easily dissapointed when the things do not go as we plan, arent we? so there are some ways to overcome these kind of feeligs such as disappointment and sadness if you become a "let it go" person. But not always of course..
Sometimes letting things go is better than planning whole those years in your life..

Some Questions

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: Laughs hysterically, makes pterodactyl noise, transforms into a potato and rolls out the door and away into the sunset XD

I dont know but that thing made me laugh for a while... Yeah there are some questions that make us more red than a raddish :D 

The Portrait Of Requiem

I dont know , I really dont know.. I am both hot and cold.. I heat up easily and then it gets harder to calm down.. There are many things to make me feel horrible and angry that I am helpless about.. So at least please you keep my mind peaceful. Everything will be alright
Night Night.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

Needed

Yeah at the end of September it will be a great revolution.. Just patience, just faith and just struggle and everything will be alright when I begin to fix the things I have ruined, nothing can stop me this time.. So lets wait and see what is gonna happen. I am determined and I will do it even if people do not support.. We Turks love our freedom.

I love my freedom and someday I will totally be free, that day is

coming closer, closer, closer !!! I cant count back, I am very

excited for that day when I am gonna move away 

from my home and there will be no trace

of me at all. Anyway I just need to 

go now bye bye !!

No Footsteps On The Ground

I really dont know how to have a good introduction to this entry because I have many things on my mind... I guess I can continue with a song lyrics:

"All of my hate cannot be found, I will not be drowned by your thoughtless screaming and you can try to tear me down, beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming." 

My soul hurts, I just thought I wouldnt be broken again because of the confidence of people are by my side permanently. But no, they are taking sides of others at all. I smile with my tear, so a sound from my inner core says let it go as you cannot bear so much pain as you used to, because I know I am the faulty as I expect too much from people and disappoint myself so deeply when the things dont go right. It is nothing but being naive.

Yeah, the ones we love hurt us the most. I dont need to prove it because it is already proven. The feeling of this grief is already a burden for me so why would I prove? But what was my deadly sin? Trying to embrace pain? It hit me so hard this time that I cannot find myself anymore. Maybe I shouldnt have taken people serious, that was the bliss of my 16s because I was living only for one person and she killed herself.. I am disappointed again. What I learnt is that: no matter how much we try to struggle not to be alone in this live, we are alone indeed. My soul is mine and it is not similar with yours nor it  matches anyone's. It is mine with all of these tragedy, grief, wickedness, cheer, hope.. It is only mine and forever lonely.. So kill one soul to save thousands. I am happy to recognize the fact even it is late.. Now 2nd stage is: it is time to face with it.

Night Night

Dont Leave Me

And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

  Say nay !  say nay !  for shame

  To save thee from the blame

Of all my grief and grame.

And wilt thou leave me thus ?

Say nay ! Say nay ! 

    And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

That hath lov'd thee so long ? 

In wealth and woe among : 

And is thy heart so strong 

As for to leave me thus ? 

Say nay ! Say nay ! 

    And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

That hath given thee my heart 

Never for to depart ; 

Neither for pain nor smart : 

And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

Say nay ! Say nay ! 

    And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

And have no more pity, 

Of him that loveth thee ? 

Alas !  thy cruelty ! 

And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

Say nay ! Say nay !

They Flee From Me

They flee from me that sometime did me seek

With naked foot, stalking in my chamber.

I have seen them gentle, tame, and meek,

That now are wild and do not remember

That sometime they put themself in danger

To take bread at my hand; and now they range,

Busily seeking with a continual change.

Thanked be fortune it hath been otherwise

Twenty times better; but once in special,

In thin array after a pleasant guise,

When her loose gown from her shoulders did fall,

And she me caught in her arms long and small;

Therewithall sweetly did me kiss

And softly said, “Dear heart, how like you this?”

It was no dream: I lay broad waking.

But all is turned thorough my gentleness

Into a strange fashion of forsaking;

And I have leave to go of her goodness,

And she also, to use newfangleness.

But since that I so kindly am served

I would fain know what she hath deserved.

Just Pull The Trigger

I have a problem that I cannot explain to anyone, even my best friends because I tried so many times and they didnt want to get so I am giving up on trying to explain it.. Yeah sometimes you might think someone over there is your soul mate but there are few pieces of you are still undefineable that nobody can ever find a proper answer for this riddle... It is not being mysterious, it is all about perception of the other side, no matter how much you try, they never see, they never feel.
So there is no remedy !
We humans are helpless like that.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Goodmorning.
Actually I feel lucky being able to write these as I could never be alive anymore.
I have heating system and a heater in my room that I warned mom not to come in my room while I am sleeping to play with them as much as she wants, because she turns the heater on or off according to the temperature of my room but it only wakes me up at all. I get angry this time..
Today she came in my room around 5am and turned on the heater while I was sleeping.. So it kept heating while there was a plastic chair infront of it that she never recognized. It kept heating the chair and the chair began to melt down by giving off carbon dioxide, in the end my room filled with poisoning gas that they didnt recognize the scent and I was still sleeping.. An hour later mom recognized something is burning but she didnt think it was coming from my room. So she checked the rooms except mine. Chair was already melted down when she came in my room and of course smoke accumulation made her lose her mind by thinking I died cuz of gas poisoning.. She called my name many times but I never heard.. So she came closer and pulled me out of my bed which made me open my eyes by feeling scared of. I was very sleepy and powerless that I didnt recognize what is happening in my room but I saw the chair burnt down. She cried, she got worried too much that I couldnt keep being awake by thinking it is the symptoms of poisoning.. So she took my balcony to get fresh air and I had to drink milk with the force of her.. Omg it is disgusting.. Besides I didnt recognize the scent until I am taken out of my room, I was just having my dad in my dream that I didnt wake up. After all of these I slept in mom's bed although mom tried to keep me awake until she is convinced that I am alright. Such a terrible accident that I could burn down in my room if it set fire.. Omg I dont even want to think about it.. Dont worry guys I am safe now..

But I Know You Wont Be There

The last time I saw your face seemed like yesterday to me. I suffer because I miss you. Yeah I miss you every single fucking day and you will never know. You will never know how much I feel and love you but you will never get it on your own way. I keep your name deep inside of my heart, because I am scared and terrified, not scared of anyone but just scared of you at all.. I have no fears, you know that.. Just, if I said it loud, you would go away. I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss your scent even if I never felt, I miss your everything.. I was wishing that each passing day just removes the traces of you that makes me feel I am totally taking you out of my life and burrying you where you belong to, because I know it is impossible to have you, impossible because you could never belong to me and I just knew it but still ... I try hard, I try to distract myself but no, I dont have salvation, you are just killing me. How could I burn paradise and replace my whole world with you. You are my voice that I hear inside of me, you are the breath I take every second and you are in my dreams that I have every night. So how can I get rid of you? You are the biggest spell on me and you will never know because you will see,you will feel deep in you but I wont open my mouth to tell... I cant sacrifice, I am scared to death, I cant open my mouth that you stamped by your force but I will live till the end without you knowing that I will be loving you somehow, somewhere far away..

All The Rules That I Like To Play

You misunderstood my way at all.
There are many immature people, especially teens who need to grow up more, because I am an adult and I cant tolerate immaturity, yeah sometimes I act like a kid and make jokes but as a soul I am 40+ when it comes to serious situations and consequences..
You need to know that i am not an easy prey. I might act the blonde idiot but I learnt a lot whole through my life so I am not into quick decisions once I used to make.. Yeah I learnt  a lot from my faults. I got the experience of the world, so dont think you can hunt me in a minute, because like in my bio

Noli me tangere
For Caesar's I am
Wild to hold
Though I seem tame.

I adore you Thomas Wyatt.. You are my biggest love.. You are my man,

I like blurry pictures :D

On The Brink Of A Cliff

Actually I really dont know how to begin.

It was such a dreamy day that I woke up early with an anxiety. Yeah job interview. I gave some Demo class about how to teach English and ofc I got the job but I dont feel like doing it. These days I get some offers from many different fields but these are the jobs I am not glad with. Maybe I should study more and be appointed by the goverment and get away from home at the end of August.. I need that, I need to be so far away..

Then that wasnt the topic I wanted to talk about but anyway..

I dont understand people no matter how hard I try hard... From granny to mom and friends, everyone has different aspect. Yeah we should not be the same but what the hell, cant you be a bit normal please? Or am I the only one who is not normal? 

What kind of a world I landed on? 

What is the aim of this life?

Who I am?

Nothing, at all

Such a dumb.

Yesterday, LIFE Was Such An Easy Game To Play

Now I need a place to hide away,
I believe in yesterday...

Why did you have to go that things got that shit. I have no words to tell more. I dont wanna be captivated with the cruelity of the past.. It haunts me, I need to step on it and move on at all..

Invincible Armada

Goodevening!
How can be a good evening while I am not feeling that so fine? Omg my wisdom teeth are killing me right now.I cant eat, I cant talk too much either. It hurts terribly.. My mood was at least a bit okay but thanks to mom that she could ruin in a minute.. We had 3rd world war again.. I wont tell you the reason because it is very offensive..
Anyway I am just going,
Night Night

Letters To Juliet :3

Goodnight..

I am sorry that I forgot to publish this entry before.. Dont know I am just confused and distracted that is why dont expect something nice from me, especially nice news.

I was feeling terrible today because I was haunted by the memories that made cry.. But then I received a letter from Theo. Maybe nobody can know how much it meant to me. I am not such a demanding person. Little things make me glad long lasting and I dont expect anything.. Thank you Theo, it made my day.. I read them all, many things inside. You bothered a lot dear ♥ but I promise I will keep them in a special place.. Everything in it was wondersomeeee :) I really loved them a lot..

Wisdom Teeth Of An Ultimate Truth

Goodafternoon !!!
I just woke up and eating cereals while I am writing these. Yeah K-special red fruits, because I like both its taste and I need to keep my diet somehow otherwise I will gain the weight back that I lost.

Actually I kinda feel I had a boxing match last night and I am terribly knocked out because every pieces of my body just hurts so bad now. Besides backpain and special thanks to my wisdom teeth, for being the best inspiration for my tittle, that began to hurt since morning.

Today is 29th but I would like to mention yesterday night.
My eyes are still getting wet when I think about yesterday. Especially last night
I was such cheerful in the morning, everything began in the afternoon..My 6th arranged marriage candidate's mother rang the bell. I was thinking it was a postman but when I opened the door I came face to face with a stranger woman who asked my mom. Naive me because I was thinking she is a beggar or something LOL. But my mom invited her in and I realised that she is one of  those visitors so I ran off into my room and smashed the door... They talked some stuff, probably she praised her son and told about the features of him, and then she left.. Mom talked to me and she threatened me with beating me if I run away again.. Yeah my granny also witnessed those, she is a stupid old lady that spreads out the news about me to everyone in family, now my aunt uncle almost everyone knows that I have visitors. It will increase the number of it more because people always tell each other, so it will be a big deal, spreaded ear to ear.. I hate the situation I am currently in because nobody really understands nor asks how I feel. I am far different than my family members, I dont want to follow turkish customs and traditions because I find it too stupid. Arranged marriage? It is the most stupid thing I have ever known.. Couples are never satisfied and mostly couples who marry by means of arranged marriage just divorce. This topic makes me drowned, I dont even wanna anyone to make joke about it because it makes me upset and pissed off. Mom will never understand it and they make this arranged marriage topic a great phobia to me. I am really irritated about it.

In the evening I was so down but still I chatted with Cashew, she made me feel better ♥ because I am so damn moody that I cheer up easily or get upset so quick.. I love you girl..

At night I began to feel terrible again as if I was gonna burst out, I was so mad and upset. I also chatted with Theodora about this arranged marriage thingy.. Suddenly I burst into tears in my bed...
I could hardly admit that I missed my dad so much :'( I miss him, miss him, miss him.. This is the first time I tell it, years after his death.. I couldbt confess till last night even to myself: Yeah I cried so loud that "I want my dad".. I swear I really want him back because I recognized how much lonely and helpless case I am. He loved me more than anyone else in my family, he even loved me more than my mom..If he was alive now my life would be far different than this one I know.. I miss his presence, I miss his authority. Nobody really wants me in this family, nobody cares.. Nobody cares what I think , nobody asks what I want.. All I wanted was a shelter for me and he was my shelter.. At least he would make me be happy by letting me go and live in another city. Whole night I was with Theo ♥ till I fell asleep in the end. I sobbed on my pillow.Omg I cant even cry in this home, it makes me crazy because whenever my lower lip curves down mom asks what is wrong with me. So you can guess that I am fucking questioned when I cry a bit.. Ohh I need to pour it out as I wouldnt be able to live if I kept my life without crying more than 10 years..
Dad I miss you a lot... See me, How weak your daughter is, so come and take me with you, even it is hell i am willing to come wherever you are :'( With my whole scream in my throat, I just scream out your name that come back, I need you in my life, no matter what I am or what you were.. Give me your courage, give me your strength to deal with this life.. At least I would feel there is someone who is proud of me. Just hold my hand and cares my hair and kiss my face that  stupid girl's.. I wanna you know that I am very regret that stupid me never let you do those things even if I knew you waited me to forgive you with my heart whole those years patiently.. Angels promised me to tell you these from me: I am sorry, I am fucking sorry that my conscience kills me every single day piece by piece even if I am aware or not.. I forgive you, I forgave you :'( And someday we will meet again !! I promise that, this time I will give you a great hug.. The biggest and tighest one.. 
JUST FORGIVE ME.. Forgive stupid me.

I cant continue to type more because I am drowning in my tears.. Bye !

Affection Stairs

Is this crush

or

 love

or 

affection

or

infatuation?

Omg I can never know, yeah I know but sometimes I just feel so cold, sometimes I feel warmer than it is supposed to be.

I really dont care at all.

So let it go again

Hope that I wont be broken.

I had a good moral after breaking up with

ex bf even if we were together for 4 years.

Who is faulty? Maybe him or me doesnt matter that much as long as you are over right? Over is always over so I dont

need to explain it nor I wanna

remember and ruin my

good mood :)

I told this several times but I want to repeat it again and again. So listen to me guys:

NOBODY DIES FROM LOVE.

Alas !!!

It is the person who kills himself/herself inside by dragging behind the memories.

So throw them away and be relax.

For sure you can collect the new ones that might be better than the previous ones.

Just a little bit faith to have

Nothing can break this strength in you

So, just for once be brave and set yourself on fire, you cannot learn without turning into ashes but you know that you can reborn

and fresh yourself at a certain time.

You born stronger, 

You grow braver,

Believe in me,you and us.

Ohh by the way I am gonna attach 2 of my mom's flowers..
Yılbaşı çiçeği gets its name from new year because it blossoms during new year
time only :3
And
Kalp kalbe Karşıdır has heart shaped leaves that is why it is called like that.

[Yılbaşı çiçeği] New Year Flower

Kalp Kalbe Karşıdır [Heart to heart]

That is the name of the flower.

I am loving it !!

We're Walking On Sunshine

What am I? 

Your biggest mistake?

Fallen Leaves

Hello fellas

Nothing much to tell,

It was such a boring day at all.

So I didnt do anything special but I had rest.

Omg my tummy hurts a lot as if I had operation. Period time is coming closer again which will suffer me day and night and

maybe I will faint again as usual.

Anyway I am gonna add 

two pictures that

I took before

taking

shower.

Night Night

Potent Element Of Human Existence

Too much to say but the less time to write.

I am just tired of being sorry at all.

I cant please anyone no matter how hard I try. Maybe they need to look through the telescope to see my deeds. OMG I am pissed off again. But well I know everything is gonna be fine somehow as usual, there is nothing that time cannot fix so I am just  giving some time so that I see what is gonna happen. I need to believe in tomorrow, otherwise I wouldnt be able to survive.
But still such a fucking day

You Are So Good To Me

Hey

I got mad, so maddd.

Omg I have been pissed off whole day

and people came over me.

Yeah stupid ass people

I saw  that how fake they are

For sure I wouldnt upset myself,

but it was a good experience that people 

take credit of me and my account on formspring. So I just disabled.

Should I just stay and watch them?

Maybe I might return for the sake of Cashew

but for no one else at all. Because she is the only one whom I can trust and she is not faking at all. ♥ Love you so hard bro.

I am just tired of watching people

acting like they are somebody else who could they never be in their real lives.

What a pitty, attention seeking wouldnt 

make a person happy long lasting.

Man, stop complaining that you are always detested but be yourself so that people around love you more.

You reached your aim so here I am

out of the game, play on your own so if it is more entertaining. Because I am gone.

Dursun Zaman

Capture the most precious moments you have

Because someday you might never have again

You cant also get the time back you know it very well

You could never expect it to feel mercy upon you either

Besides you cant beseech as nobody will hear your voice

Only you could save them as memories in your archieve

Someday you take them out and cry over and over

Sometimes those memories put pretty smile on your face

But I know you would never feel regret to have them

Even if they become the reason of your running tears

I know you would give a deep sigh and continue to live

For the sake of your beloved, even if they left you hurt

So either dont complain as that is always the way it is

Or remove them from your own skin then cremate

Because the fact that ashes are lighter than a dead corpse.

The Only One I Wish I Could Forget

I dont wanna be without you babe

I dont wanna play that part.

No, I am feeling weird again.

I am tired of this mood changes.

One day goes good and

the following day seems sorrowful.

But I cant stop to keep myself

from thinking.

Look,

What have I done to myself.

I ruined everything at all

and I cant fix 

no matter how hard I try.

Will you help me then?

Will you be with me 

and be my eternal relief?

I cant find you in others.

So show yourself

Just for once.

Back To The Stars

Helloooo

It is monday and it is monday syndrome for everyone but not for me though haha.I woke up early ^^ I went to bank as I had some stuff but it is just shit. Banks in turkey is just total shit. I studied as well and then I went out for jogging. The weather was nice. I also paid a short visit to post office, I met with one of my guy friend. Sorry for typing in a rush because I am in a hurry. By the way Katja said Hi. Omg I havent seen her more than 5 months, it was such a good news that I felt very glad.
Thanx god she is fine and everything is alright. My day briefly was like that and in the evening it became boring.
Anyway
Night Night.

An Empty Street

Sunday, Sunday...

It was time to have a rest a bit because I am just  tired.

But still I went out and the weather was awesome as well.

This is the weirdest winter time I have ever seen because it doesnt snow as it used to.

I was alone at home so I enjoyed my day as my sister and mom went out. In the evening they came back again with kids and I really hate them at all. Anyway I am still happy.

I wrote some pretty stuff. 

All is fine,

All is fineeeeee

Night Night

Things I'll Never Say

Hello, 

I feel weird but not depressed ofc :) Waking up early makes me happier I guess and I am more dynamic. To admit that I am just taking back whatever I have given and it is a kind of relief for me.. It was all I have been thinking of while jogging.. The weather is more than windy.. But I really dont care because I have never felt that peaceful in my life.. I know bad things are gonna happen again but let me enjoy my day a bit.. Hell yeah I really dont care because I fixed few things in my mind that worry me in vain. 

In the evening my sister and nephew/niece visited. I just acted like sleeping because that monster never ever stop disturbing if my eyes are open :D but well yeah it worked so.

By the way I keep writing few things as a diary as well.. So there is no much time for anxiety, keeping myself busy with some stuff also works.. 

I love the way I am. I am proud because I am far different than my family. Hahaha no matter how much they try to control me, they wont be able to change me anyway..

THAT'S ME, THAT'S ALL ME !!

Feel What I Feel

Hellllllooooooo...

Actually I am very sleepy right now to write but anyway..

Today I just went out and bought some stuff ^^ I also took many pictures of my city so as to show my friends.. I guess I walked more than 5km.. So I am very tired now. I went to the places where my dad had 3 shops. I am not sure if they know me around there but they really know my dad so probably if i told my surname then they would figure it out that I am his daughter.. 

I just saw how they turned my dad's shop into  a weird shop that sells stupid bags.. Ohh it made me upset but I cant do anything about it.. I just sat on a bank before the shop and dreamt the places that I used to play when I was a kid. It broke my heart more.. Anyway I just dont wanna write about it more.

Theda and her friend were out today,so she also took many pictures of her city and sent me. How beautiful it is..

And Cashew, your drawing is wondersome ♥

That is all for today..

Night Night

All I Need ...

Is A Mustache ^^

Hiiii fellassss

Well I am in a hurry indeed but well I need to write somehow.

It was an amazing day, I woke up cheerful and I chatted with my friends of course and we had fun.. It was insane actually that I had some audios that I imitate kitten monkey and cat etc. Besides let me show you how sexy I could be if I was born as a male LOL.

Kiss my mustache.

One of the girl on formspring said I look like Super Mario ahaha then I am cute ha? I know it was one of my extreme fun outburst day..OMG I still laugh as long as I remember that I recorded some shouting voice :DDDD 

[ Cashew, I liked video by the way ♥ I should emphasize that it is my fireplace that I am going to hide in :P and you very talented in drawing so you need to keep it ]

By the way Theodora shared some pictures of Split while she was outside.. Awesome city :") it was really beautiful that I gave damn my living in the middle of turkey while turkey is a peninsula.

In the evening I had to pay back for my laughter because I know I was extremely happy that something was gonna ruin it.. Family problems, I really hate and I am tired of it. But Theo tried to help to distract, so thank you a lot.

I remembered my childhood as well.. All the good and bad memories.. Life is exhausting enough to make all of us get older.. Even if it is not physical, it exhausts mentally, spiritually as I already feel i am over 40 years  old while I am only 22. I dont know how much older will I feel when my current age becomes 40. But I am sure I will be smiling while reading these if technology doesnt ruin this blog as well..

Probably I will utter this sentence if someday I die: " I am not regret of anything because I had a happy life. My beloved best friends painted my colorless life. "

Night Night ♥

Our Temperature Is Rising

Heyyy

Well it was such a busy day, mom called me that her friend is coming.. Urrghh I hate Turkish customs of welcoming the guests. Whaa do I have to sit and talk with an old lady at the same age with mom? OMG it is fucking boring, I prefer to do some stuff in my room on my own.. I tried to get ready in a short time. But my fucking hair, it is fucking curly that I need to do it everyday, either straighten or  brush blablabla ... It just reminds me of Justin Timberlake's big problem, in magazines: he said that "it is very hard for him to shape his hair because it is curly" .. Uhhh ohh c'moon, if he had my hair type he would probably commit suicide :DDDD

That is not a duckface pose xD I took randomly while talking to myself :D

Mmm Should I do like this? or What???

My last desperate check..

Okay, now I can get out of WC lol.

And I asked for permission to go out, yeah I ask for permission from our guests if it is okay for them.. Turkish culture you know.. I needed to post letters but it was freezing outside so I sat on a bank and thought a bit. Then I came back to home..

Nothing much remarkable indeed.. But I am happy ^^ Just to be me and be alive..

When You Call My Name

Haaaaiiiiiii

I am just speechless right now

Because I recognized/I was recognized again that simple little things make me the happiest person in the world.

Yeah I hate this life mostly somehow

But if I didnt exist
then how would I taste some

 colours and beauties of this life?
Yeah I would be a ghost.
Such a sad ghost then
spinning around so that people feel me
just for once.
But hell, I had the greatest day ever
People around me were out of expectation.
I dont know if you know how to make a good turkish coffee or do you know the difference between turkish coffee and coffee?
Turkish coffee has layer that consists of bubbles like latte..
So my neighbour was here and I really hate
the tradition that I make coffee whenever she comes -_-
Otherwise mom freaks out
hahaha..

By the way it was my first trial to sing in Croatian. It turned out to be so hard when i had to face with "srca" word..
"Pismo moja" was a good song maybe but well hard to sing as well.. Especially for me because of some consonants.


vocaroo.com/i/s18MooTX8gCk

And Cashew
OMG
Thank you for "Kauas Pois"
instead of singing but talking all around
LOL kidding, I am very glad that you
made that speech :)
With "Snuff" and "Choose to be me"
you are wondersome my dear
I love your voice
♥♥♥
Niteee Niteee
:*

Damn Cold Night

Last night I just had nervous breakdown.

I stuck on my table and lay there for hours 

because I had no power to move myself

I was not functional briefly. Besides

I dropped a bottle of water on me.

From my neck to tummy 

I soaked up and got frozen.

I needed to change my clothes but 

omg I was really numb that

I could hardly reach to the bed

then I fell asleep like that wet.

When I woke up I felt like I am listening to

Soilwork - Distance 

hehehe

You will never face conclusions

You will get what you want

Am I really an exception?

Imaginary Body

How can I pretend that I don't see
What you hide so carelessly? 
I saw her bleed
You heard me breathe
And I froze inside myself
And turned away
I must be dreaming

We all live
We all die
That does not begin to justify you

It's not what it seems
Not what you think
No I must be dreaming
It's only in my mind
Not in real life
No I must be dreaming

Help you know I've got to tell someone
Tell them what I know you've done
I fear you but spoken fears can come true.

It was such a weird day that I told myself 'I must be dreaming' at all. It started good. Pretty good and then turned into garbage at all. So just a question:

If you woke and you were told whatever you had as memory is series of lies then what would you do?

Probably you wouldnt wait for tomorrow to come.
I dont wanna fall to pieces ever again. I just wanna know everything. Everything.

Probably, people sometimes sense the stormy  things before they happen or I dont know.

Some sweet things might turn out to be bitter nightmares. Perhaps it is for measuring how strong could a palm tree stand still against the invincible storms.

Well, maybe I am just tired at all. By the way I receieved an email from my Estonian friend whom I havent seen more than 5 months. She sent me her pictures and I was like that: wow she grew up a lot..I am really glad.

And of course I didnt forget to mention my evening.. 

Firstly I hope that I didnt ruin your happy evening time. I was feeling horrible you know.. But our closure was wondersome. Girl, you are insane :D Thank you Cashew ♥

Yeah that is why I love and adore our friendship. Because it consists of everything we could share without hesitation. It could never been that easy to reach for the peak by falling down. But everything has some sort of "Rise and Fall". 

It will be a bit metaphoric but;

Eventually, you and I - "we" could make the most delicious chocolate cake even though we were lack of some important ingredient e.g chocolate.

Darling, with this creativity and insanity, we dont need to purchase chocolate from the market for our chocolate cake :DDD Hell wait, chocolate is my recipe. Now it is your turn marvellous and magnificent chef, you can bake it with your warmth.. ♥

Bon Appetit !!!

Tattoosome

In islam it is forbidden to have tattoo. 

So I can only watch them all around instead of having one for myself but well it is also troublesome to remove it if you dont like or you dont want it anymore.

Well anyway,

 I just share some good ones for my taste.

Of course I wouldnt have large one

but small one so that I can hide

if i dont want it to be seen

by the people.

The head of Medusa always takes my attention

This one is very creative

And this one is very professional

This one is also awesome