Lets Fall Into Pool Of Love

Almost sunrise, it is 5:49am and I am still wide awake, I cant sleep because you are the reason. I am thinking about you again as you came to my dream once more.I cant help,I just cant take my eyes off of you I cant really explain how I feel but I just suffer on my own deep inside me :/ and it doesnt have cure because ...

Just something goes in my mind:

You make me wanna love
You make me wanna fall
You make me wanna surrender my soul.

Dim Candle Light

I wish there was a fairy to bring me cake and say me that my only one wish will become real. I would blow the candles by saying the greatest wish of my life. But some fairy tales has an irresistable end.. We all know.. You touch my heart! You make my heart beat somehow from the far. Miles away ...
I feel like a little kid whose best doll is taken from her hands while she was playing the greatest part of the game. Knot in my throat and I cant gulp it down. My lower lip slowly curves down and I cant help. Why me? Why me but not the other kids? Yeah I know, I really know that it wouldnt be fair then and I cant wish other people's sadness while they are already in their own pain.
Do you remember?
Whatever happens I would always take the blame on me, [yeah me] to save you from trouble.. I tried to be shelter, I tried to be a strong armor to you kid so that you dont fall and bleed your knees..
Alas !!!
I fell many times and always my knees bled.. You were not aware because I never showed you. Because I was shy to tell you. I should have been the strong one between us so as to teach you not to cry even though I was crying inside. Yeah one of us has to be strong like a steel and I chose to be... You never saw my tears because I ran them into me.
Time was a torch to beam upon the past.. I breathed you in me.. We intermingled that night and all.. I saw the masterpiece of God one more time,how he created such a unique
virtue.. So divine, so heavenly.. Like the most tasty apples from Eden. One would die to bite one piece from the edge but me? Yeah me? I even couldnt dare to touch because I was scared if you lose your brightness..
I grew up so fast that I couldnt have time to look back.. Lost years.. Time took so many things from me by giving nothing back.. But I still feel you... I still feel you everywhere.. I promise that;
You are my tears whenever I cry...
And I swear you are in my smile...

Hospital Phobia Mania

Goodnight
I spent the whole night at hospital again.. In the evening my aunt and uncle came to visit us but I was very dizzy because of massive headache.So she directly measured my blood pressure it was 10-4 as the normal one is 12-8 then she insisted I should go and see a doctor although I refusedany times.. But at the end I waa taken to urgency. They gave me serum to increase my blood pressure. I wanted to escape because I even hate hygenic hospital scent, hospitals and I have blood disgust. I told these to doctor that I would faint when I am injected something but everytime they say it is not a big deal..

Ouch Ouch Ouch

Special thanks to male nurse as he cracked up my veins until he found the right one.Omg my arm hurts so much that I can hardly move it and it bled a lot.. Wheww I still feel disgusted a lot. Fuckers..I really dont know how I could come back home because I was like drunk and laughing at silly things as if I took some ecstasy LOL.. I still have low blood pressure though.. Anyways.

Night Night..

The Pearls

Goodevening
Me again !!!
I dont know how I am feeling right now but it is something sweet and a bit of little rush.. How did we get to our childhoods while we were talking about something different.. I luff yew.

TO MY ALL FOLLOWERS

Hello Fellas..
Selam Millet..
Bazen Türkçe, bazen İngilizce (90%) ve bazen Almanca yazıp gidiyorum işte.. Aylar oldu bloguma yazmaya başlayalı ve iyiki de birileri bana esin kaynağı ve rehber olmuş diyorum.. Bir şekilde kendi düşüncelerimi hissettiklerimi ya da o anda dikkatimi çeken herhangi bir şeyi aktarmak gibisi yok..

Türk Takipçilerime 

Benim için önemli olan bu blogu takip ettiğiniz için teşekkürler.. Sormak istediğiniz herhangi birşey varsa gönderilerime yorum yapabilirsiniz.. Vee şimdi ingilizceye dönelim.

For My English Speaker Followers
Top 6 
USA, RUSSIA,CROATIA, GERMANY, FINLAND, CANADA

Thank you for reading and following my blog which is the most precious thing for me.. If you have any questions you might comment and ask as I will be right over there..
Sorry that my blog is personal as it doesnt carry the aim of advertisement of sell purchase stuff besides it is not about trend. health, youth and fashion.. But I am fine with it as long as it has something about life..
Anyway.. Love all of you and how glad I am that my blog is already read more than 2500 times.. Thank you so much.
See you ♥♥♥

Hiding In Amaranth

Hello...
Deep thoughts
Confusion
Being busy
Creativity
Multiple choices

All of these... I dont know what to do.. But today I just saw the shop I am gonna work in april/may or rest of my life we can never know.. But the problem is money, I dont know how much to demand because it is always the problem. How about the exam.. Omg I am damn fucked up... Anyway.

Good Girls Gone Bad

Hello,
As my usual each night ritual I am eating orange by the left side of your altar. I am fairly grinning because I know that I have the senses to guess what do you want lol. Because you are naive enough to imply it somehow, I can imagine your twisted face,
I can imagine how your fingers work while you are texting me. You know how to keep me for yourself but this time LoL, yeah this time I am far more smart and cautious than you could ever imagine/think whatever. I just
count my each step ^^ Each step..
"Kaçan kovalanır" [The one who escapes is chased] ♥ Be aware ;)

Ohh yeah
It is like we are playing chess. So I will beat you at your own game. As I am not the same girl you met. Time, time, time... Years will pass and from your ears you will never be able to erase my name.
I am comiiiiiiiiinnnnnngggggggg !!! LOL
Night Night

Where Have You Been Of My Life

Weird things are still going on.. I cant figure out but today I was asked two unexpected questions that I totally forgot the answers. I mean I havent been asked for a long time. I just got surprised and dont know, my life has never been such easy to know the responses. It has a bright side in a way but I am not sure if I want to take chance or not because I am tired at all.. And i dont wanna feed hope out of nothing.. Omg why I am that confused?? I was never that unstable now I cant decide between things. My life turned upside down and lol I am still trying hard to fix it.. There are few things I feel that I should have done before but anyway it is late.. So from now on I am going to create new chances for myself.

Basic Lyrics #8

My Passion - Akcent

Just listened to it from the radio and I remembered

Omg, since my laptop is broken I cant access my albums.

I like this song and I dont know the lyrics :D

The first song thats lyrics I never listen to but just the melody lol

It dates back to my  last year summer school

Memories, memories ^^

Just Lit My Last Cigarette

"Sana bağlıydım ama bağımlın değildim"
"I depended on you but I wasnt addicted to you"

One more night and then never again..
Let the waves remove my fucking name
For sure I wont be broken anymore.
Magic is gone, masks are slided down
So no, no more days to spend in vain
And please dont ever recall my name
I am not really mad nor I give damn
I had happy things since you came
There is no point, there is no cure
Because I know you dont even care
Then dont pretend here to stay
As you're here but your heart's away

I Heard The Words Come Out

"You are a bitch"
"I hate you more than anything on this earth"
"You are so mean and waste"
"I dont need you"
"You are extremely pushy"
"Who do you think you are? Queen of England?"
"You are useless and pathetic"
"I'll think twice before telling you something"
"Stupid bigot muslim, go away"
"I hope you die someday"
"I dont want anything from you"


Those poisonous sentences I am said.. I would wish to die instead of hearing my good friends to tell me those..
I forgave but I wont forget.

Ohhh Sweet People

Sometimes I think if it is better not to make friends with anyone?? Because in the end there is always something weird going on. Or something wrong. I never scorn people due to their race, gender, sexuality, religion and nationality ...

But I am always insulted for those reasons even if I dont imply anything. My mom used to tell me to keep away from non-muslims, kurdish, armenians. but i have friends from each of the sections. At schools we were taught to hate serbians, croatians, greeks, arabs, russians, armenians, israeli people and americans etc because of the saddest history and wars.. Obviously those nations also teach their own citizens to hate Turkish people because they are prejudiced as well. But the most ridiculous thing is that blaming people because of their religion and nation. What to do with nation? If my anchestors had war with yours then does it mean I am a bad person? If my grand grand granddad killed yours then was it my fault? First you need to accept that not only yours but also my ancestors were killed too.. But bigots always think one sided instead of thinking dimensional. War was unavoidable, so was the bloodshed as long as people were stupid, I wish that it never happened but when it happens of course every nation citizens will protect their own country in order to survive

that is the fact. But I dont really blame any person today as we good people are the worst victims of sad events that happened in the past and some of my friends still do as I recognize. Why am I now being charged for the source of terrorism, shedding blood, evils things? Ohh stupid people please change your minds first..

Always Hanging In The Air

Goodnight..
Terrible headache took over me, probably I will need to see a doctor again or I shouldnt have drunk that much last night but I am not regret hehehe. Neverrrrr !!!
I ate fruits as I do everyday.. So I am getting sleepy.. But I wont sleep as I need to finish this 4 pages to solve.. Maths, I really hate but well there is maths in everything so.. But maths, please treat me kind okay?
FIY: I am tired of waiting. Never mind i dont really care then..
Night Night

I've The Time Of MY Life

LOLOL..
I had to change this entry because while I was slightly drunk and a bit high, I am very
ridiculous, especially the things I saved over here were damn improper but I dont really want to mention so i just rewrite the stuff.
I like my cousin's friends hahaha.. Guys you are damn crazy like usual. The best damn thing was watching the stars, yeah some of them were on the grass and some of us were on his car :D some weed some beer some wine and some vodka.. I didnt mix all of them but beer and weed were enough to feel stars were damn funny.. Bliss and peace.. I overthought on my life for once without worrying.. But I need to do some stuff that require long time.. It will be great when I am done at all.. Patience just patience...

Finally Found You

Dressed up in the middle of the night, my cousin is gonna take me soon.. Well done bro as it is very unexpected ^^ and I feel that it is gonna be a good damn night..
Night Night ♥

You Said: It Is Easy To Forget

Unutmak kolay demiştin
Alışırsın demiştin
Öyleyse sen unut beni

Gözlerimde yaş
Kalbimde sızı
Unutmadım seni
Unutamadım, unutamadım
Ne olur anla beni

The Tale Of Two Cities

First you dont know how to begin to a letter and when you reach to the end you can not know how to end it.. It is like all about us.. I dont know what is going on but familiar people are getting stranger to me by time. Probably I am boring and too simple that is why they run away or maybe am I annoying ha? I cant understand if I just deserve it or not. I am questioning. I am just thinking if I do something wrong but I cant find the gate in this labyrinth and then walls are rising up to drown me more.So should I run away too?
Till when? How long? and Till where? Wont this nightmare capture me again? Please wake me up.. Just wake me up.

Take me away

I really feel so weird these days.Sudden mood change and I swear that i really dont know how I am gonna fix the things I have been constantly breaking.. I am worried, terribly worried because I am scared of being lost.. I am on the edge and nobody recognizes.. I am slowly fading away and I erase the trace behind my back so that there is nothing left because I dont want to put pain nor sorrow but I really sense that the irresistible end is coming closer..I wanna be a permanent smile on people's face at all, there is nothing more important than this. Because when you leave this earth, you take everything about love with you..

That is why I put care and love on people as much as I can because I feel that someday people will not feel me eternal.. I have such a weak point that I can never get mad at any person for a long time even if I tell them that I will not talk to them anymore..Anyway

I just wonder how does it feel to be forgotten.
It would give me less pain instead of staying as a heart breaker. I dont want to set anyone on fire. I just hate myself because of having that much confliction.Would it really worth?
So why I am struggling for?? Damn I am so confused, my heart and my mind hits each other like two enemies..

Time, time and time... Please dont stab me anymore as I am really drowned in my complicated thoughts.. I am scared, more scared than I seem to be..

I Find No Peace

[This poem by Thomas Wyatt summarizes the best what is happening to me these days]

I find no peace, and all my war is done.

I fear and hope. I burn and freeze like ice.

I fly above the wind, yet can I not arise;

And nought I have, and all the world I season.

That loseth nor locketh holdeth me in prison

And holdeth me not—yet can I scape no wise—

Nor letteth me live nor die at my device,

And yet of death it giveth me occasion.

Without eyen I see, and without tongue I plain.

I desire to perish, and yet I ask health.

I love another, and thus I hate myself.

I feed me in sorrow and laugh in all my pain;

Likewise displeaseth me both life and death,

And my delight is causer of this strife.

Make A Sound

:/ :( :C
There are some voices in my head that I can not get rid of and they are killing me inside slowly.. Whenever i remember I just want to be alone, maybe it is not easy to forget and forgive as it seems.. Those voices just sicken my soul and I cant tell it to any close person, nobody asks either.. I think I withdraw back into my shield again, quiet and calm like the patients who impatiently long for the silence of the death..

Ne hasta bekler sabahı,
[Neither a patient would wait the morning]
Ne taze ölüyü mezar.
[Nor a grave would wait the fresh dead]
Ne şeytan,bir günahı,
[Nor a devil would wait for the sin]
Seni beklediğim kadar.
[As much as I waited for you]


Geçti istemem gelmeni,
[Too late, I dont want you to come]
Yokluğunda buldum seni;
[As I found you in your nought]
Bırak vehmimde gölgeni,
[Leave your shadow in my dream]
Gelme,artık neye yarar.
[Dont come, there is no use anymore]

Knock On My Window

Goodnight
I am extremely tired and this backpain is killing me right now, I had my 16relatives, they came for my dead cousin.. Then I had a huge fight with mom. She really got angry that I got scared because she was gonna shout at me outside the kitchen among guests. But I was right, few minutes ago she came in my room and apologized. I dont really know what is wrong with people these days but something weird is going on. And of course there are some stuff that makes me in conflict all the time.. Anyway
Night Night

Basic Lyrics #7

Bir Kadın Çizeceksin - Manga
I was 16 when I listened to this song
I find the monster in video so cute
The song name in english is "Drawing a woman"
Manga is the first and last turkish band I love
Manga also represented Turkey in Eurovision  2010 with the song named "we could be the same"
It is the first and last band that brought "turn table" concept to Turkey.
I like their avatars :)

Letters Of Art

Last night, many many sick thoughts surrounded my mind that I was not myself for sure.

Self harm - intermediate level..

I hurt myself so bad that nobody knows about it, I headed to my cousin in the morning because I didnt want anyone notice. Ha it made me feel guilty again but anyway. Luckily cuts stopped bleeding otherwise my cousin would go more crazy. She took me to park so we talked for a long time but it didnt make me relieved.. The only useful thing she did was to give me the cream for healing the wounds on my legs after all screaming out when I showed her what I have done and of course she frowned.. I dont care, I dont have any value nor my presence mean something for them.. But still she wanted to talk to my friends to protect me.. At least it made me feel a bit that I am owned, but still I am damn all alone because she would never understand me. I cant find peace anywhere. Then she gave damn to M and bf and all my friends which made me laugh. Because it reminded me of her last boxing match with M and K. She tried to be more evil than she could be and it made her fail at all. Silly her, but she tried to protect me.. So I gave her my mobile because she was angry to curse everyone on my contact list but she didnt dare.. I just asked her if she can hug me while I am sleeping.. It is something I need the most these days as nobody embraces me even not my mom.. I just needed a place to feel someone cares me even if it is little.. So I fell asleep few hours on my cousin's bed and she went to send letters for bubbles and theo. They were already late to be sent but I dont know why I carried them with me in my bag.

Now I am back to home.. Whenever I feel like studying I find any other reason to do other stuff.. Maybe I am so done with everything..
I read some lines from Emily Dickinson.

Back to my ipad after a long time

Today's poem maybe

I am nobody, who are you?

Are you nobody too?

Well Said

I am giving up on myself forever...
If I could see tomorrow it will be the greatest miracle that one could ever have
And personally I dont believe in miracles anymore because humans hold their own destiny in their own hands.
So I close my eyes soon for the desire of eternal sleeping..
I am doomed, I am so doomed..
So please
Dont try to wake me up, it is in vain, because I will never hear a simple sound on this earth ever again.

Basic Lyrics #6

Breathe No More - Evanescence
I love this song really much
Not only love but I live, I feel..
It is full with memories.
One of my friend sang it to me
I was 17 when I first listened to
It was the only Evanescence song that I didnt have in my album
My ex bf sent it to me because he knew I love evanescence and he's an Evanescence fan too
I was with one of my good friend on stairs and I cried because I was upset so she hugged me at that time
Besides she just stabbed me in the back so we dont keep in touch anymore
Sometimes I sing this song
I would like this song to be played during my funeral.

The Sound And The Fury

I know you are reading this right now..
Or you going to read somehow and someday.
So I can rant and rage as much as I want.
And If you dont care then I dont care while I am going anywhere..
I am tired, tired of fighting.. Tired of being judged, tired of being misunderstood, tired of being pushed away. You have no self control, you cant control your anger, you have to reflect and burst out on me right?? You pick ridiculous stuff to feel sensitive... Look girl, I am not responsible all of these shit that has happened to you in your life so why am I paying for it? I have problems to handle with as well but have you ever seen me treating you rude? when did I tell you that "I dont wanna talk?" ... Anyway... Anyway
Thanx for showing me what kind of a person I am in your grace.. Yeah, you are right that I am scary and evil and untrustworthy.. I wont forget your that sentence in audio "I am regret to tell you everything".. Dont make yourself regret more whole through the life then.
You dont need a teacher
You dont need someone pessimistic
You dont need someone negative
You dont need someone honest
You dont need anyone who pokes your wounds...

S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y audios were enough effective to make me notice who I am.

Briefly you dont need me.

So instead of telling me that "delete me, forget me" .. Just do it by yourself if you could find an easier way.

But yeah I forgot that you overcome people so easily as you told me many times.

Sorry for letting you down that bad..
Bye !!!

Takvim / Calender

Yıllar mı hızlandı yoksa [Did years get faster or else?] Ne çabuk geçiyor upuzun günler geceler [How fast the longest days and nights pass] Daha dün gibi derler ya hani [They say: as if yesterday] Meğer herkes kurarmış böyle cümleler [Whereas everybody would utter such sentences] Vakit geçmek bilmezdi oysa [However, time wouldnt pass] Hangi ara koptu yaprak yaprak takvimler [When were these calenders thorn apart leaf by leaf] Akarken biriktir derler ya [That they say: collect while it is flowing] Kasam boş, kalbim kırık, elde yine hüzünler [My box is empty,my heart is broken with grief in the hands] Pişman çok pişmanım esasen [Regret, I am very regret indeed] Ama çok korkuyorum ya reddersen [But I am too afraid if you refuse] Gururdan mı nedendir artık [If it is because of your Pride or something?] E sen gel kendini alt edersen [Then come when you beat yourself down] Evimi ocağımı, yuvamın sıcağını-- [My home, my family, and the warmth of my house--] Yarimin kucağını bıraktım [I left my lover's embrace] Her günahın tadına, dünyanın batağına-- [I tasted every sin, into the world's swamp --] Batacağım kadar battım [I sank as much as I could] Meğer herkes tanışıyormuş [Whereas everyone is introduced] Birgün mutlaka gerçeğin ta kendisiyle [with the reality itself, someday]İnsan buna da alışıyormuş [A mortal would get used to this as well]İnsan dayanıyormuş bütün gücüyle [A mortal would stand with his all strength] Pişman çok pişmanım esasen Ama çok korkuyorum ya reddedersen Gururdan mı nedendir artık E sen gel kendini alt edersen Evimi ocağımı, yuvamın sıcağını Yarimin kucağını bıraktım Her günahın tadına, dünyanın batağına Batacağım kadar battım

Basic Lyrics #5

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry
Actually I dont like most of her songs but I like this video
It reminds me of some sad stuff
I think I first listened to the song was 2 years ago
In this video I just like her ridiculous act with mustache
Sometimes I listen to but you know it has a place.

I'm By Your Side To Fight And Defend

La La La
La La La
La La La , La La La La La La

Morning guys..
I am sailing on an open sea, I dont care the waves because they cannot sink my heart's boat.. Yeah the smallest boat ever but the biggest donor to sacrifice.. Sail your heart to me clean and close.. I think I love you so bad but I cant stop nor admit to myself at all..

Feeling Begins

I feel weird.. Maybe a bit scared..
There are some things I would never tell.
But they wanna come out and I am confused.
Indecisive, helpless and I cant pretend.
I deny sometimes because it sucks.
But sometimes it is the best feeling to keep.
I love that feeling.. I love the butterflies..
I know I am hard but I have a kind heart.
I cant compare nor I can compensate
I cant stop that feeling, it is unfair..
Flowing, boiling and then melting down.
And it mingling with my thirsty soul.
Nothing can extinguish this flame at all.

You Smile, I Smile

Few ridiculous things..

They could be little for others

But they mean a lot to me.

It is easy to make me the happiest

I am very simple, very simple girl
when it comes to bliss matter.

I love smiling even if I am moody

I also love people who make me smile.

I know it is temporary but today is today.

Tomorrow might be far different.

No need to think much about future

No anxieties no repentance

No tears no pain and no fall
It is when you smile, I smile.
♥♥♥

Break All The Rules

That is what I used to do at my granny's LoL.

It is such a great feeling to swing your legs out of window. But I dont recommend it

for the kids who are underage.

I remember we had some important rules

But given promises were broken by time

You couldnt keep them at all and

I am not angry nor mad

I just feel nothing

but numb.

Basic Lyrics #4

Kauas Pois - Raappana

The second Finnish song that stuck in my head xD

I love this song because my best friend sang for me

To be honest I dont know what the lyrics mean and I didnt ask from her either

It reminds me of something exotic, could be a place with palm trees lol

In video the first thing that took my attention is that the singer always plays with the edge of his jacket

These Wounds Wont Seem To Heal

Ohh, sweet people ...

Are you aware of how much you have taken from me? 

Are you aware of how much I care?

Omg, past, past, past just leave me alone for a little while..

You will never, right? But you will stay  somewhere on the corner of my mind.

Yeah you will chase me till my last breath

with your all cruelity and merciless shadow.

But why?? Why? Because I am so weak?

I cant get rid of thinking and no solution.

I am afraid of being left all alone but at the same time I wanna be alone. So how to handle with that???

Nobody understands me.. Even not for once

and that feeling of being useless.. I have significance at all.

Is it me who isolates myself or the people who constantly push me away?  

I dont expect the world to understand me but I need only one person who wont judge me. But NO, nooo as the life sucks. People as well.

I hate being moody too.. It makes me feel like I am even faking.. I cant bear that damn shit.

Few hours ago I was glad and now gloomy and few minutes later I will be smiling.. Fff..

I hate myself more than anyone else on this planet so how am I expected to love people if I cannot love myself first???

Yeah I am not.. Because I couldnt reach to the point people wanted me so, everything has been measured with material these days.

If you have money then you are respected whoever or whatever you are.. Ridiculous.. It is nothing but ridiculous. What happened to virtues and values. Love? Honesty? Care? Hope? Tolerance? Aid? What happened? Almost no one left to keep those.. Even me, I cannot tolerate people, I cannot tolerate myself either.. Because whenever I try to do something I sink into my thoughts so deep that I am stuck there like a wheel stucks in the mud. Helpless, no one can find solution as long as I cannot find by myself.. Walls are coming over me and they give me no peace..

No peace at all...

I hate here

I hate there

I hate everywhere

Anyway thank you for the rant..

Night Night

I Cant Hold On

Goodmorning
It is raining right now and I dont wanna get up from the warm bed because I feel frozen.. But suddenly the weather reminded me of a winter time when I was around 9.. It would snow heavily and schools would be off so we would go out and play snowball but it would end up with burying someone into snow and run away homes. The roads would be empty because snow wouldnt let cars move here to there and great fog would cover everythere that I would get scared if a car comes and hits me. I feel like I can hear our screams even now, how cheerful it was and we were peaceful without life anxiety.. When I came back home, the feeling of my cheek's being pinkish :) mom would get angry with me but the home would always be warm to welcome and heat me.. I would love the feeling of wet drops that fall from my head.. It was the best innocence and childhood memories that one could ever have. There was no fake friends, no responsibilities, no grief and no sorrow but only silly childish dreams and nobody would be able to touch to ruin it because I was kid and I would strongly believe what I want by supporting my ideas even if they are ridiculous or meaningless. I wish I could go back in time and stay there forever..

Basic Lyrics #3

Come On Over - Christina Aguilera

I was 9 when I first listened to Christina
She was also a teen as it seems lol
I used to love its video and the dancers
Stair part in video is my favourite haha

Basic Lyrics #2

Rhythm Divine - Enrique Iglesias 

One of the oldest English single of him I guess
I dont remember but I used to love its video
It shakes and heats up my lood somehow
It was my alarm ringtone for 2 years when I was 17.

Orientalism

The western world's aspect of the east. I mean the east in the eyes of west. Ok I am not gonna mention my literary criticism classes :DDDDD

Everything began like that;

My eye is on you

I took this picture to send a friend to kid with her then I got an idea to tease.. Why dont I cover my head totally by leaving my eyes visible at all?? LOL.. So I was gonna pretend to be an arab but I am not sure if I look like ninja or arabic women :D

Stay there.. I am gonna upload the picture: 

Here, my aim was to cover head at all but it brought more  ideas.

Such like this.. I know I am crazy, there are some moments nothing can hold me.. Suppose that I wake M. up such like that. I swear she never be able to sleep back again LOL.

And of course a ninja is supposed to have ninja sword.. But I have dagger instead haha

It tastes good xD

Anddddd a bit overal one even though I look ridiculous..

I had so much fun indeed..

Basic Lyrics #1

Broken - Evanescence ft. Seether

I love listening to this song when I am alone
I love singing when I am feeling lonely
I love the lyrics as they are meaningful
This song sometimes makes me feel crying
The first time I saw the video, I was 14

Ay, Ay Kahroldum

Gökyüzüne yazdım adını binlerce yıldızla
Aldırmadı, gülüp geçti çağrıma.

Göze aldım, dağları deldim
Çölleri, denizleri aştım geldim
Ama nafile, bakmadı gözyaşıma

Ay, ay kahroldum
Düşe kalka peşinde maskara oldum.

Ay, ay unutuldum
Karda kışta kurda kuşa yem oldum


[I wrote your name up above the sky
with hundred of stars
You didnt care, but laughed at my call

I dared everything, ripped mountains
I came by your side by crossing the deserts and seas
But in vain, you didnt care my tears

Ay, ay I am damned
I became a fool stumbling behind you

Ay, ay I am forgotten
I became a prey for wolf and birds in winter]

Biiiiiyuuutuuufuuulll Fiiiiiiliiiiinnnngggg

Morning !!!
I woke up to a new day with hope. I want today to be very peaceful and relax because it is sunday. Even if I am sick physically I am fine mentally I guess but I dont really know what is waiting for me at the end of the day. I dont want to give in easily because it is not late for anything.. I dont wanna spend today in hospital too like I did yesterday, my blood pressure was low in the evening though 9/4 and normal one is supposed to be 13/8.. It constantly made me feel like passing out anywhere I found :/ but well I did was to sit my bro in law and my niece/nephew in sitting room by putting my head on the edge of the armchair by acting like I am okay.. Something is really weird with me.. My niece studies science-maths and I swear she is really smart, I asked her a maths question to teach me the shortest method of it and she couldnt solve it xD so I did somehow in a short time which surprised her. She said that "auntie, your brain is really wasted, you could have studied medicine, it is not late yet as universities began to be full with people who are over 24 years old." I just mocked her that "yeah you wanna me have my 2nd diploma at the age of 30s right?" and we giggled.. Hope she studies medicine as she wishes.. I just recognized something that made me happy, for the first time someone in my family is proud of me and it is that 16 years old girl [my niece].. And she will be the 2nd member of the family who is slightly open minded and who will follow my way by getting rid of these bigots..I saw the light in her ^^
Texting with my ex also made me feel alright yesterday.. He knew I was sick few days ago and called to ask how I am.. Then said "you are the smartest girl as far as I know, could you give me some advice?" I helped him on something very complex.. I know we could never be the same again but I swear I cannot hate any person anymore.. I forgave him but I wont involve him in my life ever again because I am not inlove with him, maybe I love someone but that is not exactly my ex and maybe I think I feel I am crushed again.. I really dont know but I swear I will suffer again by keeping it inside.. But I am also afraid of runing the things. Anyway the matter of love always sucks..
One more thing.. What the hell is wrong with some people?? I used to have two good friends from highschool and I introduced both of them to each other. We three were good friends but then they left me out lolol and they began to get closer to each other.. So they gave up calling or texting me.Yeah it always happens I dont mind, but the thing is that , why still people love gossiping about the others who dont even keep in touch?? Let me tell you the story, one of them texted me few days ago by saying I was in urgency because of my face.. Duhhh -_- I told her her yeah I was in urgency but not cuz of my face, your news resourse is half wrong.. She was like that: ohhh please tell me what happened then??.. I just told her how could she know I was in urgency as long as we dont keep in touch for a long time?? .. One of the nurse was her friend and told her my name.. Whao the fuck that nurse is? and how does she know me even while I dont know her..I told my friend that I have problem with my period regularity.. Yeah she doesnt need to know the triths and she was satisfied with my answer, pfff.. It really made me.go craxy because she is fucking damn curious and has no shame to ask what is wrong with me at all although they cut the connection few months ago, yeah she can ask but she even didnt tell get better soon.. She just learnt what she wanted and never texted back lololol.. Yeah we will have all kind of friends in our lives..From gossip types to curious ones, from liars to fake ones..All kinds :) that is why experiences prevent us to have new friends I guess.. I say myself that Beyza it is an another experience to keep in your archieve..I just try to figure the things out... So nobody knows me that deep inside but surface except my two best friends ♥♥ [they are painted in blue] and they are living in another countries, I wish we could live closer but someday we will meet in person, I really hope that...
Besides I wont let this annoying thing to ruin my day :) I dont need many friends.. I need friends who understand and accept me as the way I am..With my mistakes,with my worst fucking moody manners, with my bad sense of humour and with my insanity...
Andddd I cannot skip this !!!
I spent the whole night with M... Night? xD almost sun was gonna rise haha.. Girl sorry to let you down but I think I am at the beginner phase for migraine.. Massive headaches and I cant stand the light and noise and ffff I feel like crazy and pills do not wotk but I spent few hours to download your damn word games until I find the true one  and kik with you :DDD maybe now I have the game.. Our eyes were hurting but we were still kidding and teasing each other.. That is the best part of the friendship and a good sacrifice.. I thank you so much, I owe you and I am.really glad that you got rid of the bad mood for a while.. I know you did it for me that is why I adore you bottom of my heart..

It is unrelated but suddenly I remembered the parody of "as long as you love me" that I watched on youtube yesterday.. hihihihi..
But I am gonna share the original one.

Baby I know this is our song LOL.

I love you guys.. I really love you ^^
How happy to have such brilliant best friends in my life..

Omg, It is biiiiiyuuuuuuutuuuuufuuuullll

Heavenly.. Who says that there is no heaven on earth?

Resource: Potato

Hey moron, special thanx for the pictures ^^
Omg sorry for this disorganized entry as I should have said bye bye after the part "How happy ... " but well my mind is like garbage can so I share whatever I think of..

So the true and the best friendship is like this:
>> Peeling orange continuously when the other one desires quietness
>> Giving banana when the other one is freaking moody
>> Hiding into fireplace and stay there till the things settle down so as not to be killed by the other
>> Crying, doing nothing together, leading a warm conversation, playing games, kiss/ kick/ hammer/ hug each other when one or both of the sides are down..BASICLY SHARING WHATEVER YOU HAVE..

I know we are insane :3333 

That is best damn thing that makes the friendship
          Biiiiiiiyuuuuuutuuuuufuuuuuulll

xoxo

The Worst Will Be Over And We Will Breath Again

Goodnight..
I dont really know how I feel right now. Maybe a bit complicated, maybe sad because my friend is sad and she needs silence. But I am sure she will be alright because she is a strong girl. She is the master of riddles. So life picked some people yesterday to be burden and today she was chosen to be put the sorrow. Tomorrow it will be another person, the next day me, the next day any random person..But I know that somehow we will handle and ease the pain by time. I cant talk to her now as she will get mad at me but even she is mad, she is the sweetest caring person ever.. I adore her, I adore her strength and maybe she is aware of it.. I envy her because she has the features that I wanted to have but it is not jealousy, it is admiration.. if I wish something for myself then I always wish something the best for the people whom I adore because when they share their success or happiness with me I feel proud of them by being the happiest...

And I know that someday if I cannot walk to her, she will run to me because she is that type of merciful generous and kind person.. I know her caring heart now.. She proved me maybe many times but I was fool enough not to recognize. But I know now and it is not late to learn..

All I know is that she has a bright future with full of bliss. She will ask how do I know that while reading this entry.. [I am not medium you know, but I didnt share some of my dreams with you] That most of the time in my dream I see her in a green garden/ park/ field while sitting peacefully..

One more thing, she has fear and anxiety but she will be a great mother.. We can never know the prospective husband/daddy but of course he will be a nice man who will make her glad as the way she deserves for the rest of her life.. Omg I wish I could be godmother or how do you guys say, baptise mother? lol I forgot it anyway but well I wish I could be that thing for the kids but but but I am not a christian so :( but in my tradition we give gold to the mother for new born babies, so maybe you guys would let me go jewellery store and offer a special gold bracelet for the little baby.. omg I guess you will really have a baby girl first because I mentioned bracelet first.. But if it is a baby boy then you mother will have such a gold jewellery from auntie Beyza.. I really dont know if you have that kind of tradition.. And I ask for permission to teach them their first, second and third swearing words "fuck" "asshole" "your mom".  LOL you will kill me but you will have little assholes who will curse like me in the end. :DDDDDDD I guess I talked too much..

So bye for now.
*Steals a sweet kiss from your cheek and runs away*
Stupid, I peeled some orange for you by the way. :*

Omfg You Are So Damn Whimsy

Duhhh -_- 

Even today's bots are so mean

As it didnt even ask who I am inlove with.

Damn whore bbleeehhh..

LOL

Life Looks Better In Spring

I still remember that December like yesterday :(

No, please dont wish it from me as I can never forget

Because, no matter what the feelings always remain ...

Anywhere

I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason

Forget this life 
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Stay Here Tonight

I know it's late and you're tired
And we'd been talking for hours here
You don't have to tell me

I see that look in your eyes
And I know soon we'll say our goodbyes oh yeah
I feel it coming

And I hear you take a deep breath
And my hands are starting to sweat
I don't want you to
I don't want you to leave yeah

Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
'cause when you're around me everything's right, don't go
Oh, don't leave me alone
Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
I wanna hold you in my arms show you what that's like, don't go
I need you, I need you

You grab your coat and I'm dying
But I know you're still deciding, yeah
'cause nobody's moving
Time stops and everything's quiet
I'm hanging on for my life and you
You don't even see it

And then you come in closer
And baby it's not over
Till I hear you say, till I hear you say
Goodnight oh yeah

Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
'cause when you're around me everything's right, don't go
Oh, don't leave me alone
Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
I wanna hold you in my arms show you what that's like, don't go
I need you, I need you

Something about you saves me
Something about you makes me feel like I'm alive

I Know The Truth Now

All I need to look inside of people in some circumstances. Because they dont show their real face until the very last second. I am just disappointed because I'm stabbed in the back one more time. They are taking sides even if they act like they never do and it makes me feel like laughing at their face :D There is a saying in Turkish: "Denize düşen yılana sarılır" means "the one who falls into the sea, hugs the snake" .. I think its meaning is clear enough.. Anyway..

These days I miss Cash a lot, her pc is fucking broken down grrrrr.. But thanx God we still have connection ♥ Baby, hope that it works properly or I will kick it.. Ohh it will almost be a year within 2months since we met.. Darling you are the best damn thing that has ever happened to me :DDD You are my pain in the ass :* And I dont know if you still remember my tree adventures for the high connection.. This summer I expect it to be the same hahaha.. And ice hockey matches on TV.. Go Finland... Goooo... Thanx for being in my life darling, hope to meet you and then take you Amsterdam LOLOL..
Bye for now.

Complicated

I know there's no one next to me
I'm staring trough tears at my heart
I keep my own thoughts deep in me
Vivid my certain stucked in past
There are no memories to hold on
You are watching me fall on my own

Why?

My God,
Why not me but my cousin??
2 Deaths in 14days..
And why do such good people die?
They never deserved that sudden.
It shouldnt be like that, no way.
They were too young :'(
Like newly blossoms of a tree.
Then they fell under the ground.
They just slip over the sky one by one
Like shooting stars, I hate it.
Many people love watching stars
But I hate shooting stars..
It reminds me of my ex bf.
He once told me he hates them.
I asked "why? It is amazing"
He told, he was watching
the sky from the balcony at night.
Suddenly he saw a shooting star
and felt crushed as if something very
bad happened.. Yeah the next day his
father was killed in a conflict. He was a
brave person and a good soldier.
Shooting stars remind me of my dad too.
When I was a little kid we used to stay
in our vineyard. I was watching the sky
with my dad and suddenly I saw
a shooting star, it was very close that
I thought a real star fell under a tree.
It was dark and I was very scared to
go there alone,but I still persisted my
dad by saying "dad, there is a shooting
star under that tree, lets go and I wanna
take it." I never desired to have
something that much, besides I was
excited.. He knew it, he knew how
innocent my thoughts were, so he held
my hand and didnt say anything
to break my dreams but took me to
the tree, I was naive, I was fool but
I was a kid who is not aware of it.
I sought for the star but I couldnt find
I got sad and he noticed it so he
told me these: "the shooting star
flew over the sky again, it never fell
because it would be broken if it hit
the ground and you wouldnt want it
right?"... I nodded and I was not sad
at least..
I left that fool kid under the tree..
Because I am at an age to be aware of
everything, everything around..
Maybe for 4 years I hate
shooting stars too, hah they are not
amazing as they seem. They just
remind me of the worst memories.
They are nothing but shit at all..

Now
How much can I take of this?
How long can I live with this?
People think that I am very brave
But me?? Noo, I am surrounded by
the power of the cowardice..
NO SHOOTING STARS
No, No, NOOOOOOOOOO
NEVER EVER AGAIN !!!!
Because ...
I am scared to face with the reality.

You Always Make My Life Upside Down

I swear I feel like that shit today

Noble Tears Counter

Hello,
Maybe I don't feel alright right now.
Because of sudden sore throat..
I'm burning outside,freezing inside.
I think I am getting flu as well.
The matter is not the physical pain.
How about the mental/emotional one?
My mind is blowing so bad.
My feelings are so heavy to carry.
Irresistable pain waits for me to take.
But I know somehow I will handle.
People think nothing hurts me
and I am always fucking happy.
Yes I am because I need to be,
I try so hard to survive in this life.
But I always walk on the edge at all.
I am afraid to lose balance and fall.
Nobody understands, nobody can.
So please dont ever try hard on me.
Some friends but not the peace of mind
Everyday there is someone to hurt inside
I'm dying already with my own wounds
Am I that bad? Am I that wrong?
I wonder what is wrong with me.
One drop of tear brings the waterfall
Now I will tell you what I've done for you,
Fifty thousand tears I have cried.
And you werent there, you'll never be...

Everybody's Fool

You think I dont know

You think I dont understand

Yeah, you are right. I am such a fool

But not only me, everybody's fool