Complicated

I know there's no one next to me
I'm staring trough tears at my heart
I keep my own thoughts deep in me
Vivid my certain stucked in past
There are no memories to hold on
You are watching me fall on my own

Why?

My God,
Why not me but my cousin??
2 Deaths in 14days..
And why do such good people die?
They never deserved that sudden.
It shouldnt be like that, no way.
They were too young :'(
Like newly blossoms of a tree.
Then they fell under the ground.
They just slip over the sky one by one
Like shooting stars, I hate it.
Many people love watching stars
But I hate shooting stars..
It reminds me of my ex bf.
He once told me he hates them.
I asked "why? It is amazing"
He told, he was watching
the sky from the balcony at night.
Suddenly he saw a shooting star
and felt crushed as if something very
bad happened.. Yeah the next day his
father was killed in a conflict. He was a
brave person and a good soldier.
Shooting stars remind me of my dad too.
When I was a little kid we used to stay
in our vineyard. I was watching the sky
with my dad and suddenly I saw
a shooting star, it was very close that
I thought a real star fell under a tree.
It was dark and I was very scared to
go there alone,but I still persisted my
dad by saying "dad, there is a shooting
star under that tree, lets go and I wanna
take it." I never desired to have
something that much, besides I was
excited.. He knew it, he knew how
innocent my thoughts were, so he held
my hand and didnt say anything
to break my dreams but took me to
the tree, I was naive, I was fool but
I was a kid who is not aware of it.
I sought for the star but I couldnt find
I got sad and he noticed it so he
told me these: "the shooting star
flew over the sky again, it never fell
because it would be broken if it hit
the ground and you wouldnt want it
right?"... I nodded and I was not sad
at least..
I left that fool kid under the tree..
Because I am at an age to be aware of
everything, everything around..
Maybe for 4 years I hate
shooting stars too, hah they are not
amazing as they seem. They just
remind me of the worst memories.
They are nothing but shit at all..

Now
How much can I take of this?
How long can I live with this?
People think that I am very brave
But me?? Noo, I am surrounded by
the power of the cowardice..
NO SHOOTING STARS
No, No, NOOOOOOOOOO
NEVER EVER AGAIN !!!!
Because ...
I am scared to face with the reality.

You Always Make My Life Upside Down

I swear I feel like that shit today

Noble Tears Counter

Hello,
Maybe I don't feel alright right now.
Because of sudden sore throat..
I'm burning outside,freezing inside.
I think I am getting flu as well.
The matter is not the physical pain.
How about the mental/emotional one?
My mind is blowing so bad.
My feelings are so heavy to carry.
Irresistable pain waits for me to take.
But I know somehow I will handle.
People think nothing hurts me
and I am always fucking happy.
Yes I am because I need to be,
I try so hard to survive in this life.
But I always walk on the edge at all.
I am afraid to lose balance and fall.
Nobody understands, nobody can.
So please dont ever try hard on me.
Some friends but not the peace of mind
Everyday there is someone to hurt inside
I'm dying already with my own wounds
Am I that bad? Am I that wrong?
I wonder what is wrong with me.
One drop of tear brings the waterfall
Now I will tell you what I've done for you,
Fifty thousand tears I have cried.
And you werent there, you'll never be...

Everybody's Fool

You think I dont know

You think I dont understand

Yeah, you are right. I am such a fool

But not only me, everybody's fool

Different From Me

I'm not afraid of anything
I just need to know that i can breathe
I don't need much of anything
But suddenly, suddenly

I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
But suddenly, suddenly

How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel?

I'm young, and I am free
But I get tired, and I get weak
I get lost, and I can't sleep
But suddenly, suddenly

"Would you comfort me
Would you cry with me? "


I am small and the world is big
But I'm not afraid of anything

Child In Time

LOL I remembered this video in the middle of the day and I wonder why indians are that funny with their music and dances.

It Is Just The Beginning, Not The End

You were like my childhood friend.. We were sitting on this wall between that 2 trees and swinging our legs .. This wall is high and seperates two apartment's entrance so we were around 12s and giggling.. So my mom called me to home as she used to.. I was very sad and sorry and told you "I have to go".. So you hugged me and said you have a surprise for me.. I jumped off the wall and looked up to wave you but you disappeared like a fairy.. So I entered to the apartment thoughtful then I pressed to the button of elevator while i was lifting up something fell on my head.. A paper, your hand writing on it.. You wrote "stupid" and one more paper fell.. "Pssstt I am here".. One more paper fell "you silly" written on it. I looked up to the root of elevator.. There were many many papers syou sticked and you wrote something on them.. I looked around.. Many papers too.. You drowned me in papers.. I took them back and gather in my hands but they were so many that i couldnt collect more in my hands.. I was reading at the same time because I was feeling as if you tell them with your voice :D and they were sparkling while i was reading so I stopped the elevator and decided to lift down because there were papers on the floor saying that I should check my mailbox as well. I get off and walked through the corridors... There were sticked papers on the floors that I kneeled down and tried to gather them too but you sticked them so hard that some of them were thorn apart but i was crazily happy to take them off from the floor one by one.. You made a long track with papers for me to follow... Like footsteps. They directly took me to my mailbox. I checked and many papers there too and letters... Many many letters.. I said "girl you are crazy.. " I thought it was endless... I was totally drowned in papers.. Big, small, shining, colorful, white ... So I had a big bag and put them inside.. Pressed the papers inside randomly to gather others.. Then I reached to the main entrance.. But i wasnt 12 anymore.. I didnt notice I was ageing while gathering the papers. I was living for ages but it felt like some minutes to me at all.. I got sad cuz I got old around my 50s in a sudden.. Not sudden but it was me who didnt recognize.. I looked out of the entrance and saw you shining and waving at me.. Like little childs do it to older people.. Yeah you were still like 12 even less than 12, maybe 9 .. I called you "Hello M. from distance and you asked how do i know ur name? I said I am your childhood friend.. You were surprised by saying how can an old lady be your friend. I said this is me.. But you said you dont know who I am.

Omfg No Shiki Miki !!

Goodmorning fellasssss...
Actually I woke up early today and I was studying [I am gonna continue to study LOL] but I wanted to share this one:
While one of my friend was hanging around tumblr early in the morning she saw a picture and thought it was me
She said: "aww B. why would you go for dat, girl?"
She texted me the link.. So I am gonna share the picture:

LOL, the girl on the top

Yea she looks like me but for sure it is not me in the picture lololol.. However just for a while I thought that if one of my picture was stolen and photoshopped xD it is something striking though. Anyway bye for now..

Shocky Mocky Sucky Monday

It was a good start for a day but well it didnt last that long.. I had my 8th suitor for arranged marriage which pissed me off..The same woman, although we refused, she came again.. I dont even know her but I guess she liked me and she will be persistent.. I am expecting her 3rd time too.. The thing I got angry was my granny.. She was in bedroom and she shouted my name on purpose so that suitor's mom hears and learns.. I try to hide my identity and features so that the news isnt spreaded out. I wanna mention my granny first.. She is around 82 years old and she talks too much, she talks even much more than me :D and she tells everything to everyone that I really hate.. Oh come on woman, please keep our secrets a little bit inside so that people do not involve in nor use them against us. I believe in evil eye, so whenever granny praises me or my good features to others, I quickly get sick or something bad happens.. I am easily and quickly get influenced by the evilish powers.. I know that you might not believe such a thing but for sure something goes wrong at a time when I am praised.. Actually I dont have anything to be praised as well LOL but even the day whenever I do my hair something good or wear make up becomes a good subject for my granny to press the buttons of her mobile and call someone random to tell what did I exactly do.. FFFF it is very depressing to have such a granny indeed..Besides, she is very curious, she tries to invole in everything and wants everyone to do whatever she wants.. If you dont do what she exactly wants she tells it hundred times until you freak out to do that thing to shut her up. She is a selfish person, she always likes whoever religious but she doesnt recognizes if that religious person has a good or bad personality..My mom says she is old and naive but fuck thay shit my granny is not naive, she is fucking aware of everything, even she has a better memory than me..She calls me "princess" at home and I swear I really hate to be called princess..Mostly I dont respond her if she calls me like that so she leads a monologue in a volume as if we both are having dialogue, she tells the things loud if she wants me to hear and persists to freak me out..
[Omfg sorry for the rant but I swear I am very full so I need to pour it out..Btw she is my mom's mom.. My dad's mom passed away a year after my dad's death..]
Anyway, she can hardly walk because of her legs and it is normal.. Yeah we mostly turkish people are not able to walk properly approximately after our 60s.
I think this post explains everything,
Just a second as I will upload soon

Yeah Loading .......

LOL whenever I read I feel like laughing.. Indeed I am not such a bad person to swear nor treat bad to old people but grrrr my granny freaks me out at all..
Hope that she moves to my aunt soon.. Because she has been here for a month and she will stay few months too..

Yeah I forgot to mention Turkish customs.. We Turks have strong family ties, we are supposed to be respectful our elderly people and need to take care of them ... Especially a child is raised to take care of their parents when they get older which is both good and bad.. You can guess why.. So it is not ethic to leave your parents to a nursing house, but for me it is ridiculous because children do not have to take care of their parents.. I wouldnt mind to be left in a nursing house when I get older.. I dont know, I dont need anyone indeed..
Anyway, bye for now

I Can't Breathe Easy

Ohh please dont frown, I know I havent been able to write for few days.. I didnt feel like to because of many sad things..
I just remembered a song that I used to listen when I was 15.

Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye
Watching him hold what used to be mine
.....
....
I cant breathe easy
Cant sleep at night
Till you are by my side

I cant breathe easy
I cant dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There is no air

Curse me inside
For every word I caused you to cry
Curse me inside
I wont forget , no baby
I dont know why
I left the one I was looking to find
Ohhh why, ohhh whyyy???


Well I am just feeling disappointed and sad.. I just watcing people how they break and hurt me.. It was once them who asked me tobe in their lives and now I am thrown away as if an used tissue..

People who are kind turned so rude

People who are familiar became so strangers.

It is better to apologize and then leave them alone then because anger, selfishness, their benefits just erase the good deeds and the struggle I show them. However they judge me with little mistakes while their faults are as big as the world. I keep a blind eye so that we can fix the things but no, they just torture me with every single stuff by forgetting that I effort and they should forgive me for the sake of me for once...

But nooo, that is my fate to bear such pain.. However I learn, I learn how to give up, I learn not to give much of myself who doesnt deserve.. I know someday I will cool off too.. Like the stupid people all around me and at that time you will miss the precious things what you are given.. 

It will be too late.. 

Thoughts will be replaced by repentance ...

Requiem will not work to resurrect me ...

I will be the sorrowful knot in your throat.

More Time

Hope you could someday understand
That is not something I have planned
No,dont worry, everything will be fine
Fate will lose, darkness will hide away
Because everything's in the hands of God
Sun will rise, days will follow each other
Just this soul doesnt get used to silence
So please tell me what's on your mind
As I could never figure out by myself
I can never find what is hidden inside
We need much more time, few hours
Promised no matter how much it takes
I will wait for it with my all patience.

Would You Wait For Me Forever?

Sometimes ...

I wish ...

"I Wishes" are getting collected in my small box where I keep them locked..

I write them down on paper so that I read back and dont lose ever again.

Especially the things I couldnt do even if I wanted to achieve/have.

I wish ...

I wish ...

I really wish

I could go back in time

and fix the things that I couldnt

I am sorry for blaming people for the things I wish I couldnt do by myself and I will learn how to live with them whole through my life.

Now, taking action doesnt seem useful.

It will never work even if I try hard.

So it is too late to love and 

too early to lose..

Somewhere beyond the pain

there should be something to believe in

To live, to achieve, to bear.

I still live

I still breathe

I still continue to believe

~~~

My heart still beats

even if how much half I am.

Despite the dark hole deep inside my heart

So I will let the things undone.

I dont exactly know how and when but 

For sure there will be time span to 

be done. All done !!

Either here or there afterlife.

Now farewell thee.

Sincerely wish that someday

our paths cross again.

.......

Losing My Grip

This aint a "writing" for the broken hearted!!

No silent prayer for the faith departed

 ~~~ 

 It is my life,

 It is now or never 

 I aint gonna live forever 

 I just wanna live while I am alive.

 ~~~~~~ 

 My heart is like the open highway 

 Like B. said i did it my way 

 I just wanna live 

 while I am 

 alive. 

Red Road

Sorry for my existence

I give you your peace back!

How Perfect Everything Could Be

Here we go again..
Without the words you utter at all.
I couldnt sleep whole through the night..
And I dont know Why!!!!
Maybe I am just haunted
Or maybe cursed by the people.
Silence 
Silence 
Silence at all.
But nothing to gain.
That I cannot bear, but I can shed tears
For nothing.. Nothing serious.
I never understand how it helps.
You say you need me
and then push me with the back of your hand
Pity, pity that I cannot help
But at least I could share the sorrow.
Cuz I need you now and tomorrow.
But you are never there
Or hiding as you do well.
If I could change your mind.
If I could teach, if you could learn
Not to escape but to face.
Of course you cant fake,
Nobody can smile while crying inside
That is not I wanted, that is not what I intended..
Just sharing and caring,
I know I am useless..
I know I cant help
But I can be right over there to share
And you cant even share that.. 
You say you dont wanna lose me
and you cry but you push me.
You take it all away with you,
You wanna be hurt and
you wanna cry all alone
but that is what I cannot allow
that is me
that is my friendship
that is how i dont leave people alone
and I cant wake you from your nightmares
You wanna hit them alone 
but ever seen a person who can handle them alone??

Hep Saklandım Ben Kendi Dünyama

Bu ilk ve son Türkçe yazım sanırım.. Nereden esti diye hiç sorma, işte öylesine.. Bazen insanın kendi dilinde de deşarj olması gerekiyor. Ben de içimdekileri dökmeye karar verdim, iyi de ettim.
Affet, nefret ettim senden, diye söze giriyorum:
Hislerimi cümlelerle anlatamam, çünkü yetersiz kelimeler.. Ama yine de bir umut, neylersin durmuyor insanın içinde, patlayıp çıkıveriyor birden. O halde,
"Şu araların" bir listesini yapalım bakalım..
* Kördüğüm olmuş düşünceler
* Hayal kırıkları
* Yorgunluk
* Yalnızlık
* Korku
Kısacası, karmakarışığım.. Düşüncelerimde boğuluyorum.. Peki neden? Aslında pek çok nedeni var bunun ama;
Anlatsam dinler misin?
Dinlesen anlayabilir misin?
Anlasan yardım edebilir misin?
En iyisi boşvermek, hayatı eskisinden daha da fazla hafife almak..
Farkettiysen, takmayan insanlar daha da mutlu diğerlerine kıyasla. Evet daha mutlular çünkü düşüncelerinde ölmüyorlar benim gibi.. Bir de bana bak, ömrümden eksildi teker teker ve bunları oturupta paylaşabileceğim tek bir insan bile yok yer yüzünde...
Boşver artık, ben aramıyorum.
Çok istiyorsa o kişi gelip beni bulsun..

Big Girls Don't Cry

For readers information:
I am not sure if you noticed that most of the time my titles are picked up song lyrics or song names because I am deprived of imagination. Mostly they are related to the content. Some titles are of course have nothing to do with content as well because they are out of my poor imagination...
And you can ask me anything through comments.

I am sorry that I hurt you

It is something I almost live with everyday.

Feelingless Feelinglessness Of Feelings

So damn and damn, I could never be a good friend..

I try, I swear I try to do my best, I tear apart myself. 

Then dont you ever recognize that you should let it go.

And I am the one put the blame, but I dont care

Just let it go, dont follow, and dont chase me anymore.

Because I am complicated I could never be that easy at all.

Maybe a bit sweet and mostly bitter but I love the way I am.

I dont need to prove myself to anyone, I dont beg for mercy.

As I saw by myself nothing is eternal, nothing is forever.

Words are erased,promises are taken back easily.

I dreamt so long but they are gone in a short time.

No looking back, no looking forward but just now.

I am bored of feeling scared of losing what I have gained.

So no more gaining to lessen the pain of losing.

Yeaaaaa, yeaaaaaa

Just hurry up and

Stop the time

...

Cold, We Are So Cold, We Are.

I made my mind up.. These days I am in between most of the things, I didnt know I could turn out to be such a mess who cannot decide a thing.. Maybe my psychology got fucked up and I need to fix it.. Just few months more studying and everything will be alright and I will be so far away from here.. Please God help me for that because I dont really know what I am gonna face with.. Hope that it doesnt turn out to be such nightmare that I always have at nights.. I need to sleep peacefully from now on if i can..
Last 5months..
We will see what is gonna happen.

It's Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies

Goodevening
Actually I dont know how I am feeling right now.. Just drowned in my thoughts and someone needs to take me out of my mind for a little while. I cant find peace.. I cannot get the taste of anything.. The rooms are getting smaller, my bed is getting colder, everything familiar to me becomes stranger.. Yeah I lost my life appetite.. I pretend to laugh and enjoy my life as much as I can but then suddenly my throat is knotted and I have a silent scream deep inside that want to come out.. As if I am paying all of these, as if everything is my fault.. As if I am the one who is supposed to be executed.. Cheerful moments and my youth are gone by replacing themself with such a sulking and disappointed face and a broken heart with hatred. So why? Everything is in vain? Have I wasted myself that much? You never got me, you never wanted to understand.. Or you did but you pretended.. Yeah you made a joke, our lives' best joke, it was the funniest one but I cannot laugh at it.. I can never laugh nor smile. Because you took them all away with you.. And there is nothing left for me.. Now I am such a bad timing girl.. I cant smile on time, I cant cry whenever I want.. You ruined my perfect balance.. I dont know if it was your secret mission or on purpose.. I never wanna know, because you pomped my kind heart with grief, sorrow and hate. But you will never hear me say I hate you, nor see me cry. Those planted hatred will poison and kill only me. Not you. So even if I live then whatever doesnt kill me will come back to me as strength.. Strength to beat you down.. After all i killed you in my mind hundred times, what is the use of heart? Nothing can save you, nothing..
But some broken pieces stabbed and they keep me bleeding constantly.. I wont forget, I wont forgive.. Sometimes those wounds dont heal over no matter how much time I spend on it..They also pretend, they also pretend to be healed over at all hah.. Some permanent scars I cannot get rid of, soul to heart, feet to head that I am struggling.. But I promise that you will never see my fall...

Have So Much To Give

I cant wait the chance to come and go... Time steals everything we have like a little thief and then consumes. I know you are more afraid but arent we created to taste every feelings? Dont look at me like that as it hurts, dont curve your lower lip down for God's sake as I cant stand. Here, I made you a circlet from my courage to embrace your soul with .. And here my partnership is for better or worse, so preserve your heart by holding on it..
Am I rock or a rose or  fist
Or the breath at the end of kiss?
How deep do you wanna go
I will go there if I can..
Night Night

Holding Last Breath

:'( 

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

:'(

It Doesnt Matter Anyway

Such a wondersome start to a new day.. Even if my health is getting worse.. I had backpain whole through the night that kept me awake..But emotionally I am still strong no matter what happens.. So you still have chance to get on my nerves by trying hard LOL. Ok it was kinda weird wish to talk about right now.. I am gonna have a breakfast as I am hungry.. I lost my appetite and lost few kilos again.. I dont know.if I should feel glad or upset, I dont have fat to burn..Last night I also noticed that my hair strings fall.. Am I getting older or something? LOL .. I dont really care.. Maybe too much stress to bear.. But well everything will change as I will never be standing at the same point now I am... So I need to go and get some life outside of here, I need to earn my life again.. It is not still late.

One Hundred Years Of Solitude

Hello,

I dont really know what to write right now. Because my mind is empty, empty like hell.. I cannot think of anything but let me explain.

Current mood: annoyed/ pissed off

Head: Cant stand even to a single sound

Mind: Distracted

Desire: kiling someone quickly

Body: backpain, headache, stomach ache

Look, i cannot write stories now it is because I feel like something happened to my ears and I hear every single sound three times louder tsss.. Omg, I wanna die so much

True Lovers Are Always Protected

It felt like the greatest rain after a huge storm. Warm and peaceful. I just waited to rain over me because I love that feeling. It is like purification, how blessing how holy it is because it rests my each pieces. I thought I was really lost this time in the storm, i was dragged here and there, my mind was damaged and my hands got hurt to help me to stand up, because I fell many times.. I began to feel scared because no one to help me to reach for the sun shine.. Wild leaves of the trees just covered it and I cant see the sun yet but I feel it..Because it was going to rise somewhow. Something I really forgot to do for a while. "Watching over the sky" .. Billions of stars, sparkling, fading, shooting.. I couldnt know which one to trust and such a grief covered my soul too and a bit anxiety. Maybe I lost my hope and it worried me, faith loss led me have the thought of "What if I could never be back home again??" .. I trembled for a while and sat on a rock to think over everything.. Something evil whispered in my ear "You keep losing your way"..I looked on to the ground and tried to trace my footsteps so that I get the mysterious hints to go back to the spot I started but NOOOOO, the rain washed and the wind swept them away.. I was helpless and felt like a kid who lost her best toy, so my lower lip curved down and I was drowned in my tears at all..But I only made a wish..The unconscious wish that is poured out of my lips to the air "Please God, show me the path I need to follow because I am all lost in this wild forest" and I thought that nobody heard at all.. So I begged for the little sign and repeated my words over and over because i felt that dark sky was falling over me to swallow me.. And the evilish sound in my ears again "you wont be able to survive, you are doomed to death in your fears"... I looked around but there was no one.. I was still struggling, therefore I closed my eyes and wished strongly deep from the heart.. Maybe God heard me this time and sent me sign up over the sky.. "Meine Morgen Stern" sparkled so bright to show me where I am, at that night..

[I get my inspire from the northern sky..]


Bibliography:

1. Northern lights that are desired- Bernardo Fartingale, tk 25, 12p
2. Northern star- Emily Hedgetallis, fn 19, 94p
3. Morning star [german edition/ morgen stern]- Katherine Jèlovski cr/dn 19, 90p
4. Introduction to metaphors ♥
5. How to kick bitches- Hopen Darkenson
6. Le meilleurs amis- B.K Martinez, earth edition 365p

Cover Of The Book

Sometimes cover of the books might not give us the exact information about the content form and structure. We might be captivated by a random book that has an improper cover whereas some of the covers could be telling the best sparkling and striking sentece of a boring simple book.. The all I wanted to mean is covers sometimes lie..
Humans are like that as well.. We only see them from the surface but we would never know what is inside early before reading them... I try not to generalize nor judge but even I am one of those stupids who is fooled by what I see on the cover but not reading.. But there are also some people I regret to read because they ruin my psychology with their never ending rising and falling action that is rich in many foil characters and an only protagonist.. So I begin to think if it was worth to spend my time on that person. However my curiousity and good intentions can never be restrained.. I wanna read everyone to categorize and find a best place to keep on my shelf...

Wonder What's Wrong With Me

Maybe a good song to listen to 

I am gonna let it go.

She Never Was And Never Will Be

The sky is crying now,
maybe it feels me better than i do..
It feels how upset and lonely I am..
Streets are empty
there is still time for sunrise..
I dont wanna sun shine,
please dont shine over my dreams
those dreams I make hard with my nails
because they quickly fade away
and every single day just takes you away.
Time is running out
I recognize but I am helpless
I dont wanna be stranger to the face once I am familiar with..
I just break, I just hurt
I just watch in silence
I dont wanna seek,
I dont wanna struggle for the new comers..
I am peaceful with the olds..
Because I can  never replace
And It hurts my heart,
You dont recognize
it worries me and you dont even feel..
I wish I could be that cold feelingless steel..
So that I could pack and go far away
Without ties, without mercy, without pity
But no, I am stuck over here by myself
that is the worst enemy to me
And I have no power nor remedy
I cannot save my soul
From the hands of bad fortune
Because i was an easy prey
I dont wanna lose it all
Not having is better than losing
As I came this far by chance
I realize that double taken what is given
It is nothing but gambling
And I know that feeling
It is beyond everything
If I am never needed then
I could be more than nothing

R.I.P

I woke up from a deep evilish nightmare, trembling and terrible headache. I can swear that I dont feel my head but I cannot continue to sleep either.. I dont remember those nightmares though but I got scared very much and feeling like crying as one of them broke my heart too bad..
I named the dream "Call of the wild". Because it was very sorrowful in a way and gave me sad but good moral about life.
In my dream I was appointed south east borders of Turkey as an English teacher during war time, I was young around my 18s and I was trying to find a place for myself.. There were Armenian and Kurdish armies walking around the streets and kill or beat whoever they want.. I thought for a while that where the hell I am now? But yeah "hell"  term was exactly good for definition.. Everywhere was red and sparkling, because of blood and flames people were rebellious to set fire, break windows of the homes..And jets and bombs and gunshots.. It was such an undeveloped city that their roads were not even well constructed. Eventually I could reach to the school safe and sound where I am gonna teach but it wasnt even a school but it was like a half collapsed dormitory for old people who need care, such as nursing house. I said: Am i going to teach here? But but ... The principle of the shool didnt even say a single word but pet my shoulder friendly and showed me my room where I am going to stay at school. It was a small room in wreckage at the top of building, paint of the room walls was cracked and fell on the floor, a broken tap that is dripping water constantly, some of the windows were shattered. I said: "Beyza, such a hard life and struggle are waiting for you right over here. It is better you ready yourself and do not expect too much." I thanked the principle but he smashed the door behind him without saying a word.. So I was going to stay here and duty as well at nights to protect school from invader soldiers, rebels and thieves. I was very tired so I lay down on a rusty and smelly bed and fell asleep. The next morning I went downstairs to see my classroom.. I checked many rooms but there were no students except few broken desks... I went in one of them and said "Hello,is there anyone?"
just my voice echoed and after a while I heard chair scratch.. Someone was standing on a desk and buried in books just raised her head and told me: "Are you the new english teacher?" I said: "Yes, my child and I cannot find my class".. That child word made me feel a bit weird and old later but well, the girl jumped out of her desk and ran towards me by singing a childish melody, so I noticed how young she is. Maybe around her 5 and wearing white uniform shirt, dark long haired but a cute little girl who was only my leg length. She held my hand to bring me to the class and disappeared.. I stood still at the door for a while and planned how to spend my first english class then I took a deep breath and went in.. The overall scene of the classroom was heart tearing. Many many poor and filthy students, [I dont scorn anyone by telling these words] some of them were injured, some of them were bruised.. they were only 4 or 5.. So little but all of them came to learn any single thing from me.. They were not like little children but mature adults because they were very conscious of the situation we were in.I kneeled down beside a child and asked some questions and a little boy from the back row just raised and said those by looking into my questioning eyes as if trying to explain: "War, teacher.. It is all because of war. My mom died because of starvation and my dad was killed by Armenian soldiers".. Another child stood up and began to talk as well:" We have no food at home, my mom is cooking the stones that are breakable by teeth --.".. Another one interrupted by saying:" do you see this bandage? A kurdish soldier broke my arm early today while I was on my way to school by saying I dont need education because I will not live longer but he will kill me"..I hugged the little boy.My throat knotted and my tears began to drip...I could only say that: "my child, everything will be alright, everything"... Even this sentence was not enough convincing for me to believe, so how would a child believe in my fake words but I couldnt help shedding tears because my heart was thorn apart in sorrow by the things those little children told, what was their fault?? They were nothing evil but innocent little kids who are the victims of war. So I devoted myself to teach them not only english but about life.. I also helped them as much as I can by spending my whole salary.. At the end of the year they became very brilliant students besides we really loved mutually, they were thirsty for learning so I had to learn more than they do to transfer them..Following day during class the door was smashed, few soldiers went in and fired their guns.. I cried out so loud: "Noooooooo"... They shot all of my students :'( I ran from one to another but all of them, yeah all of them were killed.. Then I recognized someone familiar among the soldiers... The shool principle.. He was one of them.. He was one of those tyrant blood shedding soldiers.. I was handcuffed and he said: "Miss K. You are under arrest for high treason"... Then I woke up.. I was very influenced because It was very sad dream that still makes me feel like crying while I am writing these right now...

REST IN PEACE brave, immortal, world soldiers and martyrs..

I Wont Go Bed Without You

Hi again,
I am feeling better, thanx God but I feel weak and writing these under my blanket because I am freezing and little bit dizzy.. Anyway.
Do you know what? People live with their dreams. If they didnt have any then they would never be able to survive. Dreaming is the leading factor to struggle against the things we face at all.. The desire of reaching for the things we wish to have just makes us logically and emotionally be funtional.. By means of it we hold on to life more tight than usual.
So keep dreaming and believing in your dreams guys.
I swear now I am done and gone :DDDDD

Kiss Of Death

I guess I was poisoned by my medicine because I threw up few hours :( Now I feel cold, very cold.. From bone to flesh.. Omg hope I dont die because I have many things to do. Massive headache and feeling dizzy. Sorry..
Night Night.

Fortune's Play

In the morning I was just telling some verses while I was sleeping then I got up from my warm bed and wrote those lines:

Written all of the dialogues of our play
It is time to perform our roles in best way
We can never have free will of us again
As we are the only players, hard and plain
My tongue rolls behind my lips for you
Your eyes are gazing at me like my foe
But none of us dares to tell the truth
Take the first step if the heart was smooth
Alas, those lines dont let us to be reunited
I can never reach the soul that's desired
Just lies covered our stage like dark clouds
I wait for the rain to wash away our flaws
You said: "A match to lit to see our world"
Mine was: "Pity,cant see,yet I am doomed"
Then cruel silence sent its freezing winds
Whatever I do, I cannot purge those sins
My body suffers in sorrow as a caged deer
I hear your sweet voice echoing in my ear
For I am lost in my own deep anxieties
You shatter my honour into little pieces
The more I want to touch the more you flee
Your heart feels,but eyes dont want to see
So we keep acting for we have no chance
As we'll never sense each other's presence
Eye to eye, soul to soul, heart to heart
Yet fortune's sake we are fallen apart.

A Hole Inside My Heart

Goodnight..
It is around 12:30am right now but I feel as if it is 5pm.. Time is always quick whenever I am glad, whenever I dont want to waste.. And it is very slow whenever I get bored. I dont know what to do but for sure I dont wanna be dissolved like sugar in water again because I will get hurt first and then hurt.. You can never know how evil I am if I want because I am cursed and tended...But obviously running away is always the best solution in some circumstances.. Running away from myself and be lost again before no one recognizes my absence..
Night covers everything that has to be hidden with its darkness, everything sleeps except thoughts and nightmares. Even nightmares get wilder and wilder, more tyrant to torture my soul as if I am paying for the cheer I have whole day long. But night also brings grief and the pieces of the evil. At that time I only wish one thing: Wake me up, wake me up to the pure daylight but I get worried again, what if I get blinded? What if I cant see and live? Then the breath I take ... it will be burden for me more than usual. So stamp my mouth with your virtues and leave me alone there with my own solitude..

You Bring Me Back To Silence

I wanna know who you are
I wanna know what is on your mind
I wanna know when to end
I wanna know what do you exactly want
I wanna know what this means
I wanna know where to start
I wanna know what makes you smile
I wanna know how you feel
I wanna know this
I wanna know that
I wanna know these
I wanna know everything
Just everything...

Miss Mess xD

Sorry for ignoring you for about few days but well sometimes I think that it is nice to be disorganized :D because we are easily dissapointed when the things do not go as we plan, arent we? so there are some ways to overcome these kind of feeligs such as disappointment and sadness if you become a "let it go" person. But not always of course..
Sometimes letting things go is better than planning whole those years in your life..

Some Questions

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: Laughs hysterically, makes pterodactyl noise, transforms into a potato and rolls out the door and away into the sunset XD

I dont know but that thing made me laugh for a while... Yeah there are some questions that make us more red than a raddish :D 

The Portrait Of Requiem

I dont know , I really dont know.. I am both hot and cold.. I heat up easily and then it gets harder to calm down.. There are many things to make me feel horrible and angry that I am helpless about.. So at least please you keep my mind peaceful. Everything will be alright
Night Night.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

REVOLUTION

Needed

Yeah at the end of September it will be a great revolution.. Just patience, just faith and just struggle and everything will be alright when I begin to fix the things I have ruined, nothing can stop me this time.. So lets wait and see what is gonna happen. I am determined and I will do it even if people do not support.. We Turks love our freedom.

I love my freedom and someday I will totally be free, that day is

coming closer, closer, closer !!! I cant count back, I am very

excited for that day when I am gonna move away 

from my home and there will be no trace

of me at all. Anyway I just need to 

go now bye bye !!

No Footsteps On The Ground

I really dont know how to have a good introduction to this entry because I have many things on my mind... I guess I can continue with a song lyrics:

"All of my hate cannot be found, I will not be drowned by your thoughtless screaming and you can try to tear me down, beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming." 

My soul hurts, I just thought I wouldnt be broken again because of the confidence of people are by my side permanently. But no, they are taking sides of others at all. I smile with my tear, so a sound from my inner core says let it go as you cannot bear so much pain as you used to, because I know I am the faulty as I expect too much from people and disappoint myself so deeply when the things dont go right. It is nothing but being naive.

Yeah, the ones we love hurt us the most. I dont need to prove it because it is already proven. The feeling of this grief is already a burden for me so why would I prove? But what was my deadly sin? Trying to embrace pain? It hit me so hard this time that I cannot find myself anymore. Maybe I shouldnt have taken people serious, that was the bliss of my 16s because I was living only for one person and she killed herself.. I am disappointed again. What I learnt is that: no matter how much we try to struggle not to be alone in this live, we are alone indeed. My soul is mine and it is not similar with yours nor it  matches anyone's. It is mine with all of these tragedy, grief, wickedness, cheer, hope.. It is only mine and forever lonely.. So kill one soul to save thousands. I am happy to recognize the fact even it is late.. Now 2nd stage is: it is time to face with it.

Night Night

Dont Leave Me

And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

  Say nay !  say nay !  for shame

  To save thee from the blame

Of all my grief and grame.

And wilt thou leave me thus ?

Say nay ! Say nay ! 

    And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

That hath lov'd thee so long ? 

In wealth and woe among : 

And is thy heart so strong 

As for to leave me thus ? 

Say nay ! Say nay ! 

    And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

That hath given thee my heart 

Never for to depart ; 

Neither for pain nor smart : 

And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

Say nay ! Say nay ! 

    And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

And have no more pity, 

Of him that loveth thee ? 

Alas !  thy cruelty ! 

And wilt thou leave me thus ? 

Say nay ! Say nay !

They Flee From Me

They flee from me that sometime did me seek

With naked foot, stalking in my chamber.

I have seen them gentle, tame, and meek,

That now are wild and do not remember

That sometime they put themself in danger

To take bread at my hand; and now they range,

Busily seeking with a continual change.

Thanked be fortune it hath been otherwise

Twenty times better; but once in special,

In thin array after a pleasant guise,

When her loose gown from her shoulders did fall,

And she me caught in her arms long and small;

Therewithall sweetly did me kiss

And softly said, “Dear heart, how like you this?”

It was no dream: I lay broad waking.

But all is turned thorough my gentleness

Into a strange fashion of forsaking;

And I have leave to go of her goodness,

And she also, to use newfangleness.

But since that I so kindly am served

I would fain know what she hath deserved.

Just Pull The Trigger

I have a problem that I cannot explain to anyone, even my best friends because I tried so many times and they didnt want to get so I am giving up on trying to explain it.. Yeah sometimes you might think someone over there is your soul mate but there are few pieces of you are still undefineable that nobody can ever find a proper answer for this riddle... It is not being mysterious, it is all about perception of the other side, no matter how much you try, they never see, they never feel.
So there is no remedy !
We humans are helpless like that.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Goodmorning.
Actually I feel lucky being able to write these as I could never be alive anymore.
I have heating system and a heater in my room that I warned mom not to come in my room while I am sleeping to play with them as much as she wants, because she turns the heater on or off according to the temperature of my room but it only wakes me up at all. I get angry this time..
Today she came in my room around 5am and turned on the heater while I was sleeping.. So it kept heating while there was a plastic chair infront of it that she never recognized. It kept heating the chair and the chair began to melt down by giving off carbon dioxide, in the end my room filled with poisoning gas that they didnt recognize the scent and I was still sleeping.. An hour later mom recognized something is burning but she didnt think it was coming from my room. So she checked the rooms except mine. Chair was already melted down when she came in my room and of course smoke accumulation made her lose her mind by thinking I died cuz of gas poisoning.. She called my name many times but I never heard.. So she came closer and pulled me out of my bed which made me open my eyes by feeling scared of. I was very sleepy and powerless that I didnt recognize what is happening in my room but I saw the chair burnt down. She cried, she got worried too much that I couldnt keep being awake by thinking it is the symptoms of poisoning.. So she took my balcony to get fresh air and I had to drink milk with the force of her.. Omg it is disgusting.. Besides I didnt recognize the scent until I am taken out of my room, I was just having my dad in my dream that I didnt wake up. After all of these I slept in mom's bed although mom tried to keep me awake until she is convinced that I am alright. Such a terrible accident that I could burn down in my room if it set fire.. Omg I dont even want to think about it.. Dont worry guys I am safe now..

But I Know You Wont Be There

The last time I saw your face seemed like yesterday to me. I suffer because I miss you. Yeah I miss you every single fucking day and you will never know. You will never know how much I feel and love you but you will never get it on your own way. I keep your name deep inside of my heart, because I am scared and terrified, not scared of anyone but just scared of you at all.. I have no fears, you know that.. Just, if I said it loud, you would go away. I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss your scent even if I never felt, I miss your everything.. I was wishing that each passing day just removes the traces of you that makes me feel I am totally taking you out of my life and burrying you where you belong to, because I know it is impossible to have you, impossible because you could never belong to me and I just knew it but still ... I try hard, I try to distract myself but no, I dont have salvation, you are just killing me. How could I burn paradise and replace my whole world with you. You are my voice that I hear inside of me, you are the breath I take every second and you are in my dreams that I have every night. So how can I get rid of you? You are the biggest spell on me and you will never know because you will see,you will feel deep in you but I wont open my mouth to tell... I cant sacrifice, I am scared to death, I cant open my mouth that you stamped by your force but I will live till the end without you knowing that I will be loving you somehow, somewhere far away..

All The Rules That I Like To Play

You misunderstood my way at all.
There are many immature people, especially teens who need to grow up more, because I am an adult and I cant tolerate immaturity, yeah sometimes I act like a kid and make jokes but as a soul I am 40+ when it comes to serious situations and consequences..
You need to know that i am not an easy prey. I might act the blonde idiot but I learnt a lot whole through my life so I am not into quick decisions once I used to make.. Yeah I learnt  a lot from my faults. I got the experience of the world, so dont think you can hunt me in a minute, because like in my bio

Noli me tangere
For Caesar's I am
Wild to hold
Though I seem tame.

I adore you Thomas Wyatt.. You are my biggest love.. You are my man,

I like blurry pictures :D

On The Brink Of A Cliff

Actually I really dont know how to begin.

It was such a dreamy day that I woke up early with an anxiety. Yeah job interview. I gave some Demo class about how to teach English and ofc I got the job but I dont feel like doing it. These days I get some offers from many different fields but these are the jobs I am not glad with. Maybe I should study more and be appointed by the goverment and get away from home at the end of August.. I need that, I need to be so far away..

Then that wasnt the topic I wanted to talk about but anyway..

I dont understand people no matter how hard I try hard... From granny to mom and friends, everyone has different aspect. Yeah we should not be the same but what the hell, cant you be a bit normal please? Or am I the only one who is not normal? 

What kind of a world I landed on? 

What is the aim of this life?

Who I am?

Nothing, at all

Such a dumb.

Yesterday, LIFE Was Such An Easy Game To Play

Now I need a place to hide away,
I believe in yesterday...

Why did you have to go that things got that shit. I have no words to tell more. I dont wanna be captivated with the cruelity of the past.. It haunts me, I need to step on it and move on at all..

Invincible Armada

Goodevening!
How can be a good evening while I am not feeling that so fine? Omg my wisdom teeth are killing me right now.I cant eat, I cant talk too much either. It hurts terribly.. My mood was at least a bit okay but thanks to mom that she could ruin in a minute.. We had 3rd world war again.. I wont tell you the reason because it is very offensive..
Anyway I am just going,
Night Night

Letters To Juliet :3

Goodnight..

I am sorry that I forgot to publish this entry before.. Dont know I am just confused and distracted that is why dont expect something nice from me, especially nice news.

I was feeling terrible today because I was haunted by the memories that made cry.. But then I received a letter from Theo. Maybe nobody can know how much it meant to me. I am not such a demanding person. Little things make me glad long lasting and I dont expect anything.. Thank you Theo, it made my day.. I read them all, many things inside. You bothered a lot dear ♥ but I promise I will keep them in a special place.. Everything in it was wondersomeeee :) I really loved them a lot..

Wisdom Teeth Of An Ultimate Truth

Goodafternoon !!!
I just woke up and eating cereals while I am writing these. Yeah K-special red fruits, because I like both its taste and I need to keep my diet somehow otherwise I will gain the weight back that I lost.

Actually I kinda feel I had a boxing match last night and I am terribly knocked out because every pieces of my body just hurts so bad now. Besides backpain and special thanks to my wisdom teeth, for being the best inspiration for my tittle, that began to hurt since morning.

Today is 29th but I would like to mention yesterday night.
My eyes are still getting wet when I think about yesterday. Especially last night
I was such cheerful in the morning, everything began in the afternoon..My 6th arranged marriage candidate's mother rang the bell. I was thinking it was a postman but when I opened the door I came face to face with a stranger woman who asked my mom. Naive me because I was thinking she is a beggar or something LOL. But my mom invited her in and I realised that she is one of  those visitors so I ran off into my room and smashed the door... They talked some stuff, probably she praised her son and told about the features of him, and then she left.. Mom talked to me and she threatened me with beating me if I run away again.. Yeah my granny also witnessed those, she is a stupid old lady that spreads out the news about me to everyone in family, now my aunt uncle almost everyone knows that I have visitors. It will increase the number of it more because people always tell each other, so it will be a big deal, spreaded ear to ear.. I hate the situation I am currently in because nobody really understands nor asks how I feel. I am far different than my family members, I dont want to follow turkish customs and traditions because I find it too stupid. Arranged marriage? It is the most stupid thing I have ever known.. Couples are never satisfied and mostly couples who marry by means of arranged marriage just divorce. This topic makes me drowned, I dont even wanna anyone to make joke about it because it makes me upset and pissed off. Mom will never understand it and they make this arranged marriage topic a great phobia to me. I am really irritated about it.

In the evening I was so down but still I chatted with Cashew, she made me feel better ♥ because I am so damn moody that I cheer up easily or get upset so quick.. I love you girl..

At night I began to feel terrible again as if I was gonna burst out, I was so mad and upset. I also chatted with Theodora about this arranged marriage thingy.. Suddenly I burst into tears in my bed...
I could hardly admit that I missed my dad so much :'( I miss him, miss him, miss him.. This is the first time I tell it, years after his death.. I couldbt confess till last night even to myself: Yeah I cried so loud that "I want my dad".. I swear I really want him back because I recognized how much lonely and helpless case I am. He loved me more than anyone else in my family, he even loved me more than my mom..If he was alive now my life would be far different than this one I know.. I miss his presence, I miss his authority. Nobody really wants me in this family, nobody cares.. Nobody cares what I think , nobody asks what I want.. All I wanted was a shelter for me and he was my shelter.. At least he would make me be happy by letting me go and live in another city. Whole night I was with Theo ♥ till I fell asleep in the end. I sobbed on my pillow.Omg I cant even cry in this home, it makes me crazy because whenever my lower lip curves down mom asks what is wrong with me. So you can guess that I am fucking questioned when I cry a bit.. Ohh I need to pour it out as I wouldnt be able to live if I kept my life without crying more than 10 years..
Dad I miss you a lot... See me, How weak your daughter is, so come and take me with you, even it is hell i am willing to come wherever you are :'( With my whole scream in my throat, I just scream out your name that come back, I need you in my life, no matter what I am or what you were.. Give me your courage, give me your strength to deal with this life.. At least I would feel there is someone who is proud of me. Just hold my hand and cares my hair and kiss my face that  stupid girl's.. I wanna you know that I am very regret that stupid me never let you do those things even if I knew you waited me to forgive you with my heart whole those years patiently.. Angels promised me to tell you these from me: I am sorry, I am fucking sorry that my conscience kills me every single day piece by piece even if I am aware or not.. I forgive you, I forgave you :'( And someday we will meet again !! I promise that, this time I will give you a great hug.. The biggest and tighest one.. 
JUST FORGIVE ME.. Forgive stupid me.

I cant continue to type more because I am drowning in my tears.. Bye !